Lucky Charm
by profmom72
Summary: Bella and Edward were secret best friends during one of the best periods of Bella's life. Their friendship has waned. When they are forced back together, untold secrets are revealed. When the truth is out there, will anyone feel lucky?
1. Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

**AN: I don't claim the characters, but I'll stake claim to my dh. Big love to Melissa223 for the eyes and to hmonster4 for returning the favor.**

_Signs, Signs, Everywhere, Signs._

BPOV

I really wanted to play hooky. I wanted to turn off the alarm and let myself slip back into dreamland. I wanted to stay in bed until nearly noon, only getting up when I finally needed to eat. I wanted to spend the afternoon surfing through mindless tv shows, reading a smut novel, or catching a matinee. I wanted to, but I wouldn't. I never play hooky. Ever. The temptation was so strong this morning though.

You know how whenever there is a plane crash or a natural disaster, there's always someone on the news who was supposed to be on that plane or in the path of the tornado, but they had some supernatural feeling. They give up nonrefundable seats. They take a completely different route to work because this intuition told them to.

Something was telling me not to get out of bed. I may not be getting on a plane today, but I was going down all the same. So, I should have torn up my ticket and stayed home.

But I never play hooky. Ever. So, I still turned off the alarm, but instead of rolling over and closing my eyes again like I wanted, like my instincts told me I should, I sat up slowly and focused on the room around me.

My studio apartment wasn't much, but it was mine. I was mostly just relieved to be out of the wretched dorm. Too much estrogen in one place. For two years, I waited for all those girls to start growing up, to stop giggling at the very thought of a boy, to support rather than sabotage each other, to simply become women. Even Pavlov's dogs were capable of learning through conditioned response. Couldn't these women learn that if they played the same games, made the same mistakes, the outcome would be the same?

I rarely fit in with other females. I just couldn't bring myself to care about things like hair and fashion. I never wanted to cut another woman down just because she was prettier than I.

When I finally realized my waiting was in vain, I started looking for a place of my own. With no roommate, and no budget, my choices were limited.

I suppose all the giggly girls would turn their noses up at my studio, no bigger than a dorm room, but it was mine. One room served as bedroom, living room, and kitchenette. There was bathroom in the hall I shared with two other studios on this floor. That was no different than my dorm really.

The place was pretty run down and not in the best neighborhood, but I learned that if you just acted like you belong somewhere, people tended to leave you alone. I suppose if they knew you lived here, they knew you don't have anything worth hassling you over.

I spent the last year trying to make as many improvements as I could. I combed thrift shops for pictures and curtains. I'm not sure I did much good; the place still looked small and shabby, but I never did have much style. I settled on a green color scheme, an inside joke. Green reminded me of home only I had no desire to return.

There was a time when I never wanted to leave Forks, WA. I call them my lucky years. Sophomore year through graduation. It seemed no matter what I did, things just worked in my favor. It's not that my life was destitute before that. In fact, middle school turned out much better than I was expecting, despite the Mean Girl extraordinaire. If I am the superhero of my own tale, then surely Lauren Mallory is my nemesis.

When I watched movies where the main character is teased, tormented, and tortured by a bully, and it seems so unfair I almost wanted to stop watching because I could always identify. I have no idea what I did to Lauren. None. We hadn't attended the same elementary school, so I didn't even meet her until middle school. She wasn't exactly academically gifted—read dumb, but I hate to be petty—so I didn't have any of my accelerated classes with her, but as luck would have it, they don't distinguish people based on intelligence or ability for P.E.

I was absolutely terrible in P.E. I'm such a klutz, complete with no hand-eye coordination. The great comic book writers in the sky must have found the gym the perfect setting for Bella, the super hero to meet her nemesis. Gym was my kryptonite. I had no power there.

XxXxXxXx

I quietly changed in a corner of the locker room, trying to be as invisible as possible, while the other girls laughed and chatted. I didn't take note of anyone until I heard the bang of a locker closing near me.

"Well I guess this will have to do," the girl announced. I glanced up to see her wearing a gym uniform that was supposed to be exactly like mine, but she made some alterations. First off, I think she bought the shorts intentionally two sizes too small. Then she had tied the t-shirt into a knot at her side so that it was stretched tightly. It reminded me a fitted sheet. You know how they are always just a bit too small, and you spend 20 minutes trying to get each side to stay put because you've stretched it as far as you could. She was smart enough to know she couldn't get away too much skin, so there was just a small gap between the top of her shorts, and the bottom of her shirt, just enough to reveal the smallest hint of hot pink lace.

I turned away quickly because I sure as hell didn't want to get caught staring at another girl in the gym room locker. Even then I welcomed all sexual orientations, but I knew damned well that I might not live down that kind of reputation, especially if flaunted by the girl with the hot pink lace, until I moved away for college.

Maybe I would have been better off as the dyke with wandering locker room eyes. Maybe she would have thought me gross and left me alone. Instead, she turned toward me, and asked, "What do you think? Do you want to work on your uniform too?"

"Uh, are you talking to me?"

"Yeah," she said with a voice that typically accompanied rolling eyes.

"No, I don't really need to call attention o myself in there. It's not going to be pretty." I said it quickly, hoping she would leave me alone.

"I don't know about gym being pretty, but I think you're too pretty to wear that t-shirt. Did they only have the XL left at JC Penney?" I couldn't tell if she was laughing at me or with me yet. Her eyes looked friendly enough.

"I like big shirts." I shrugged.

"Well you must love that one then. Hi, I'm Alice," and she stuck out her hand. I hesitated, probably looking like the social misfit I was before meeting her gesture. I figured it was safe to look at her now. She was almost too cute. I hadn't notice just how tiny she was. Her dark hair was short and styled to stick out in exactly the right places.

"Bella," I replied simply. I half expected to see fairy dust on my hand when I pulled away. I reflected on our differences. I was small too but not diminutive like she was. My hair was just brown compared to her shiny raven color. She stood out; I blended. I couldn't imagine what we would have in common.

"I guess we should go face my personal hell," she sighed.

"Your personal hell? Something tells me you won't have a problem in there."

"Oh heavens, no. I can handle the class, but whomever thought that making me get all sweaty in the middle of the day and then having to make myself look presentable in a matter of minutes was a good idea should really be tortured slowly and painfully."

I couldn't help it. I giggled. I still wasn't sure I wanted her for a friend, but I guess she couldn't be all bad if we shared a hatred of P.E. so I decided to let go, and like the little lambs we were, we followed the mewing and bleating prepubescent girls to the bleachers.

It started before I even sat down. Alice was headed toward the top bleacher. She was graceful as she practically hopped her way to her destination. I should have seen it coming, but of course, I tripped. I was about halfway up the incline when my foot just didn't make it to the next bleacher level. I caught myself from whacking my chin on the next bleacher up. I can't imagine that would have been good, but I ended up bumping into the girl just to the right of me. "Oops. Oh gosh, I'm sorry."

The girl just sort of smiled at me. She seemed sweet, cute, and harmless. So, I turned to continue my ascent. I was surprised when the next thing I heard was, "What a flipping moron. Jess, do you think she tripped over her shirt since it's down to her ankles." I must have looked confused when I looked back at the girl. Her eyes didn't look any less cute, sweet, or harmless than they had a second ago. I was going to let it go, when a small movement next to the girl caught my attention.

Perhaps the lighting in the room got lower, and the soundtrack of my life played a discordant melody. Perhaps, everyone uttered a small gasp. I'll never know. All I know is that when I saw the adjacent girl, I knew that she was not sweet, cute, or harmless. I couldn't look away for some reason. She glared for a moment, then raised one eyebrow, smirked, and said, "Are you in the special classes?"

I was simply speechless so I knew it wasn't my voice that sang, "Oh sorry, Lauren, but no, Bella won't be joining you on the short bus after school."

There was a round of chuckling nearby as Alice, my new savior, swiftly tapped my arm to lead me away.

Thanks to Alice, middle school wasn't so bad. It turns out she was a bit of a freak herself. We were both just out of time in a way. We were old for our years but in different ways. Alice's confidence was inspiring. She didn't care what people thought of her. She reminded me a little of Molly Ringwald in _Pretty in Pink_. She had a crazy fashion sense that worked for her. She didn't come from a lot of money either, but she was so resourceful and creative. I, on the other hand, was like the old spinster, the fuddy duddy. I just didn't care about the monumentally mundane life of middle school. I knew I was above it, but I still let them get to me. Alice worked tirelessly to get me to ignore all of Lauren's jabs and jokes.

People grow up and apart though. When we left middle school for high school, there were more people, more freaks, more opportunities for friends. My friendship with Alice waned.

It wasn't anything in particular. At least I don't think so. Maybe she was sick of my moping or my lack of self esteem. Maybe she didn't want to be my cheerleader anymore. She never complained, so I'll never know. She started hanging out with Rosalie Hale. There are not words to describe how perfect Rosalie was. She intimidated the hell out of me. The few times Alice tried to get us all together, I just felt out of my league with them. They looked good; they were young women on the verge of something, ready to take on anything that came their way. I was . . . Bella. Boring. On the verge of average. That's how I saw it anyway. We saw each other less and less.

I never blamed Alice. I probably would have picked Rosalie over me if I had a choice.

So things changed. And they didn't. Lauren still hated me for no reason. She took every opportunity she could to start a rumor. She even tripped me once. As if I don't fall on my own often enough. Sophomore year. First day. There was an assembly of some sort. I don't remember really. Probably a "let's start the year off right and oh yeah, don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex" lecture. I hated assemblies because I always walked in alone and had to look for a seat by itself. If there were empty seats near me, people always wanted me to move to make room for their friends. I saw one lone seat in row H on the right. I glanced at the row to see if I would get any grief, but that row was filled with other freaks. So I made a beeline. Then I was clotheslined. Well not exactly, but I know she stuck her little heeled boot out because I saw it in her sneer. She was gloating when I fell forward. My book bag spilled. I heard guffaws all around me. I wanted to cry. But as my eyes filled with moisture, I kept my head low. I would not let her see. Would she never tire of this? I started gathering my things, knowing the people around her would never help me pick anything up. I was cramming my books and pens haphazardly in my bad when a quiet voice from behind said, "Here, I think you missed this one."

I turned and saw him. New kids never looked like this in the movies. He almost deserved a capital H on the Him. He was godlike. He had boyish beauty and manly maturity at the same time. His hair was amazing. It took everything I had not to touch it right then. It was messy, but the kind of messy that was probably intentional. It was not red or brown but bronze? I would have to pick up an extra large box of crayolas later in order to have a name for that hair. His green eyes smiled at me, but he didn't say another word.

A sense of foreboding hit me fast. The hero only had two minutes to stop the bomb from going off. There was no time to take in the boy standing in front of me. 1:30 I had to stop the bomb. 1:00 So, I grabbed the book without a word. :30 I paused. I knew I should say something. But I was too late. Boom.

"Stupid bitch can't even say thank you. Guess they don't teach the 'special ones' how to talk to boys," Lauren growled. I walked away as more laughter erupted.

That was the last time Lauren tortured me without facing retribution.

I sometimes think Edward Cullen must have been some sort of good luck charm because from the day he arrived, life just got better. It wasn't just our friendship because that didn't happen for months. It was everything else. If I liked a guy, he ended up asking me out. If I was doing poorly in a class, suddenly the next assignment would fit all of my strengths. If another girl were giving me the evil eye, she would face some sort of public humiliation later that day.

That was my favorite.

Call me shallow, but seeing Lauren Mallory publicly humiliated always had me grinning.

I'm not really sure what to call Edward. All buzzed up one night, we coined ourselves secret bff's and giggled like 3rd graders. Now that I think about it that fits better than anything else. I don't even know that I could give a solid reason why we kept our friendship a secret. It wasn't that we weren't friendly in public, but no one knew the depth of our relationship. Maybe we didn't either.

In any case, not a single person in Forks had a clue that Edward and I were the very best of friends, sharing our innermost secrets and desires and discussing topics only the closest of girlfriends would dare approach. To my knowledge, not a single person anywhere apart from Edward knows we are even friends.

XxXxXxXxXx

Starting the day by thinking of Lauren Mallory and my life in Forks was a second very bad sign. The third bad sign came when I discovered. I ran out of coffee filters but forgot to pick them up yesterday. Bad sign number four came in the bathroom. Clearly my neighbor Jane had "done her business." Even worse, she let the water run while taking care of said business, and now the hot water was gone. I think she was afraid someone would overhear grunting or something.

There were so many reasons for me not to leave the house today. But I never play hooky. Ever. So, I grabbed my coat and headed for the bus. I missed a step and fell down four steps. I hobbled outside to discover it had started raining since I last looked out the window. I live in flipping Phoenix. It never rains. I don't even own an umbrella. Shit. Stupid coffee filters. Stupid umbrella. I hurried to the bus stop hoping to take shelter, but it was packed, so I stood outside, in the rain, knowing it was going to be a very bad day.

* * *


	2. Brown Eyed Girl

**AN: I don't claim the characters, but if my kids are being good, I may claim them. Thanks to hmonster for the looksie.**

_Brown Eyed Girl_

EPOV

I have a good feeling about today. I woke up before my alarm went off, which is not terribly unusual for me. I have an interesting relationship with sleep. I get just enough, and my body knows when that is. I never waste time getting more sleep than I need. I can also survive on very little sleep when it becomes necessary, like finals weeks for example. When everyone around acts like barely functioning crazed zombies, I am the epitome of calm, cool, and collected. My utilities are completely unaffected by lack of sleep.

I have no doubt it will be useful for me when I become a resident. Ultimately, this was a major factor in my decision to go onto medical school. Because all academics, including the sciences, always came easily to me. My father, a doctor himself, encouraged this path. I cannot say that I grew up knowing this was my passion in life. I would have to say music takes that title, and I seriously considered pursuing music as a career, performing, composing, or even teaching.

When I needed to make the decision, I couldn't deny that I had been granted gifts that lent themselves exceptionally well to the medical field. Using those gifts to help others seemed the right thing to do. I haven't always done the right thing, but at this stage in my life, I've seen enough examples on both sides of the spectrum to know "right" really is better even when "wrong" feels good.

My positive mood toward the day stemmed from reasons other than feeling refreshed when I awoke. I picked up some new coffee beans and ground them thoroughly the night before. Thanks to the automatic timer on my coffee maker, the scent in my apartment was heavenly when I walked out of my room.

A quick glance out the bay window in the living room revealed a gorgeous sun filled, cloudless day.

I decided it must be the change of scenery that was impacting my mood. Moving to this apartment was good for my soul. I was on my own for the first time in my life. My parents were apprehensive but supportive. They understood that I'm a college senior, and it was natural that I would want to live away from my parents, but I never expressed interest before.

My family had always been a unit, a very tightly knit one. By no means had my brother, Emmett, and I continued to live in our parent's house in college for financial reasons. We all preferred to be together. I am certain a part of my parent's apprehension was due to Emmett moving out as well. As he had already graduated, they likely saw it as a more natural step for him. I reasoned that the household dynamic was going to change anyway, and it only made sense to move forward all at once. I'm not sure my mother would agree. She will find her nest very empty.

Most people would think we were so close because we moved frequently. That must have bonded us, made us rely on each other more. That may be true, but I have pondered lately whether it may be the opposite.

I wonder if our closeness didn't stunt us. We didn't need for relationships outside the family, or at least we didn't think we did. Perhaps our cohesion led us to take a hands off approach to each new town, each new school, each new job. I think we may have been a little arrogant.

There was only one place we lived where my wall came down. Only one person I dared care about as much as my family. Only one relationship where I didn't see myself as superior—quite the opposite really.

After pouring a cup of the heavenly aroma, I sat on the couch facing the window to admire the view. Yes, I felt good about this move. It was the only time I ever felt that way. I definitely was not this giddy when I moved to Forks, where I met her—My Bella.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

Another year, another move. Moving itself wasn't a problem. We had done that enough that none of us was intimidated by the prospect of adjusting or fitting in. Somehow, that happened every time. It seems good looks, money, and talent get you in no matter where you are. Cocky, but true.

This town was smaller than we were used to. My mom was longing for a small town experience. Emmett said she had some fucked up fantasy about knowing all her neighbors and serving on the PTA or some shit like that. He put up the biggest protest.

He was mostly concerned about his football career. These were his golden years; the years where the scouts would be watching. Dropping down to this size school would seriously impact how much he was seen, and Emmett was good. He deserved to be seen. He could likely be a walk on at any college if it came to that, but there was a matter of pride. He wanted to play pro someday—not because he had to or because it was the only thing he wanted to do, but because he knew he was good enough. It was probably a little arrogant, but it's true.

I was indifferent. We'd been in Southern California for 3 years, and it was all just a bit too unreal for me. Literally. Just didn't seem like people lived in reality. While I was ready to leave there, Forks, Washington was not necessarily my first choice.

We were now on our way from the sunniest place to the rainiest. We were leaving a place filled with more to do than I could imagine in favor of a town hours from a major metropolitan area. Never do anything in moderation, mom!

I decided to make my own fun in this Podunk hole in the ground. I assumed it wouldn't come naturally. I toyed with a number of options; I could take on any persona I wanted, play people any way I chose.

Honestly, things had always been easy for me.

I try not to take it for granted, but I sometimes forget that it doesn't happen for everyone. I don't study, and I get good grades. It's always bugged the hell out of Emmett. Not that he did poorly in school, but he just had to work a little harder at it. I don't really care about playing sports, but I have the speed and coordination to excel in many. I am passionate about music and cars even though I can't legally drive one yet.

In SoCal, I was an asshole. Because I could be. That was my role, and I was good at it. To some extent, it was an experiment. As I said, things have come easily to our whole family really. I wondered how far I could take it. Would people still gravitate toward me? Would teachers still appreciate my work? The answer was yes. In my history class, I came in one day and listed off 5 examples where the teacher had given misinformation or misinterpreted an event. I went out of my way to make him look incompetent. I got an A in the class, and he wrote on my last paper that I should really consider pursuing the subject when I got ot college. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about that. What is it about human nature that allows people to respect someone who is a complete dick? Everything I've seen in both fictional and real life leads me to believe it affects women more than men.

I know girls find me attractive. It's obvious. I had a girlfriend there, and while I was sad to say goodbye, I really don't see us keeping in touch. I don't have any grand vision of someday marrying the girl I dated at 15. Even if I did lose my virginity to her. Seems better to make a clean break. That's how the Cullens have always handled our moves.

"Remember boys, the family comes first. It's okay to miss the friends you leave behind, but they were never as important as your family," Carlisle mused when I was 8 and feeling glum about moving away from the only school I knew. It became is mantra. "Family first."

He should have been a fucking politician. But I loved him, and he's right. Family does come first.

Probably my greatest skill though is my ability to read people. I didn't even need to hear people talk to know what they were thinking, and I was rarely wrong. I'm a sick bastard at times though and I'm not afraid to use my talent for evil rather than good. I made Emmett miserable by revealing his secret thoughts at the dinner table.

I could be the best boyfriend in the world. I know exactly what the girl wants. But then I can be a total ass when I don't give it to her.

Emmett and I arrived at the local high school with just enough time to get the lay of the land before they announced some bullshit school assembly. This was bound to be no more thrilling than the ones in SoCal. Or any other high school in the universe for that matter. Did they really think we took them seriously? Are we supposed to buy into their Pollyanna "Don't have sex" crap, when it comes from the principle you know is screwing the new Spanish teacher on the side? Or do we take the "Just say no to drugs and alcohol" line from teacher who buys wine in bulk?

This auditorium was dated. The carpet and the sound buffers on the wall were a shade of avocado green popularly found in kitchens and baths in the 70s. It wasn't a terribly large auditorium, and I briefly wondered if the gym might not have been a better venue, but then I remembered Emmett telling me the gym was so small it would have fit into our last house.

We stood at the back, assessing different things. Emmett was likely keeping his eyes open for familiar faces. The football team had begun practicing, of course, so he was already friendly with a few guys. I was just reading the room. In the space of 10 seconds, I gathered enough to know that teenagers in forks were probably not that different from teenagers anywhere. Maybe less money and style, but you could see the cliques and hear the rumble of mindless chatter.

Emmett touched my arm, and saw that he was about to lead me down the aisle. At that point, I began to notice the stares—we were new; we were in a small town; and we stood out. I put on a game face—staring straight ahead, I lifted the corner of my mouth on one side only—an indifferent smile. I caught a glimpse of Emmett and saw his game face was a cocky grin. We walked—no we sauntered—down the aisle.

Suddenly, my path was blocked by a girl who had fallen flat on her face, books spilled out of her backpack. She scrambled to get to her knees. Like a starving dog, she attacked the books and shoved them her bag. I was frozen in the moment, not wanting to call any additional attention to myself. I thought I'd let the scene play out. Unfortunately, as I was waiting, I listened. I heard laughter. Not random first day merriment, but vicious, cruel laughter directed at in the mess of a girl in front of me. She looked absolutely pathetic.

She was moving to stand, and out of the corner of my eye I noticed a book she'd missed. In an instant, I'd picked it up, and without thinking, I reached out and said, "Here, I think you missed this one. "

When she turned to face me, I saw that her eyes were wet. But it was clear she was making great efforts to reveal no emotion. Her face was locked. When our eyes met, images of chocolate, coffee, and gingerbread flashed in my head. Things that were warm and sweet and felt like home. I let my gaze expand and saw that her hair was that same deep brown. I barely let it register when her expression changed to what looked like sheer terror. She grabbed the book from my hands just as a voice cracked, ""Stupid bitch can't even say thank you. Guess they don't teach the 'special ones' how to talk to boys." And with that the brown eyed girl disappeared.

And as I snapped back and started to walk toward where Emmett was waiting just a couple of rows ahead , a girl jumped up in front of me. "Hi I'm Lauren. You're new here." I recognized the voice from the cackle. The girl was cute, no doubt about it. Her most striking feature was her hair, not like the bleach blonds of California, but almost silver and looked soft, like little towheaded toddlers have.

The girls could not have been more dissimilar. Light and Dark. Night and Day. Good and Evil? Some sort of hero vs. villain tale was playing out here. Something told me that good was dark in this take.

"Edward Cullen. Nice to meet you." I gave her the full smile. That usually made a visible impact on girls. She didn't flinch. Still I knew, like I always know, she was working hard to get my attention. It was working.

'I assure you, Edward, I definitely know how to talk to boys," She winked and turned with a flip of her hip to return to her seat.

And I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, I had a role to play in this story. Whose side would I take? I was drawn to them both. The brown mess. Instinctively, I wanted to save her. I didn't even know her name, but I wanted to pick her up and carry her to a soft meadow somewhere with bunnies and flowers where nothing bad could touch her.

The white hot vixen. I just wanted her. But there would be no soft meadows for her.

Could I help the one and have the other?

If I am serious about using my powers for good, then I know what I have to do.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The vibrating of my phone on the counter brought me back to the present. Thinking about Bella and even Lauren this early in the morning was just another good omen on the day. It was a reminder, though, that I hadn't talked with Bella in a while, probably almost a month. I would have to carve out some time for a call soon.

We weren't as close as we had been at graduation, but then we knew it would be tough. We left Forks for entirely different locales. I followed my family once again, and ended at Northwestern where Emmett already was. My parents put a fair amount of pressure on me in the college decision making process.

Esme decided she would be moving with one of us, and she would prefer that I attended a school in close vicinity to Emmett. It really wasn't a difficult to decision to apply to schools in the Chicago area. In the end, I didn't choose Northwestern because of Emmett, but it appealed to me more than the alternatives in the area.

Bella shocked everyone by heading to Phoenix, a decision most people couldn't understand. I respected her thought process.

The vibrations grew more annoying so I picked up the phone, unsurprised to see my mother's name on the caller id.

"Hi, Mom."

"Good Morning, Edward. I just wanted to see how everything is going. Are there any problems with your new place?" I could swear she sounded almost hopeful.

"Sorry, everything's good here, Mom. Maybe Emmett's falling apart and ready to move home. He's always been the mama's boy," I teased.

"Oh don't be silly. Besides, I already called him, and he's doing perfectly well. I guess I raised you both so well you don't need me anymore," she added facetiously.

I laughed. I loved the relationship I had with my mom. "You definitely raised us right, but you set the bar so high, it's going to be hard to find a woman to compare."

"Good. You should be selective, but I'd appreciate it if you'd both at least start looking a little more seriously. I'd rather not have grandchildren before I'm too old to recognize them."

"You are getting up there in years, Mom. It's probably too late already."

"Oh good one. I guess I set myself up for that. On that note, I'll let you get on with your day. Have a pleasant one, dear."

"Thanks, Mom. I think it will be. See you soon."

I took the last swig in my coffee cup before heading getting ready for the day. I caught myself whistling in the shower. Damn, I was in a good mood. I felt like skipping. I could do this. I could claim my independence without losing my connection to my family.

I grabbed my backpack and my keys and headed out the door. The sun hit my face, and I smiled. It really was going to be a great day.

Maybe I'd even give Bella a call tonight.


	3. Bike

**AN: As always, I can't claim the characters, but my new Sony Reader is all MINE! I can't give enough love to hmonster4! You'd never get heavy on the medal stand! ****Thanks for the kind reviews so far. Keep 'em coming!**

_Chapter Three: Bike_

Riding the bus sucks. I don't necessarily mind it on principle, but it's crowded in here today.

The young man closest to me has a body hygiene problem. The woman next to him keeps sneezing and coughing without covering her mouth as if on a mission to infect the entire vehicle with her disease.

I do, however, appreciate the time the bus gives me. It's typically not a calm enough space to do anything productive, but I can read a book or think or make a grocery list. Today, I'm thinking.

I run through my day's schedule in my head. English 360: Advanced Topics in British Literature at 9:00. I live for this class. It is the only class where I speak because I want to, not because I've been called on.

Then I have a 2 hour break where I'll head to the library to complete the upcoming reading for my 1:00 class, which is a senior capstone type class for Humanities Majors. The class is easy enough, and the subject matter is reasonably engaging. The professor picked the theme of gender in popular culture. The problem is even most college seniors aren't into thinking. They come to class because they need a degree to get a job. I don't so much care about a future career.

I would stay in college forever if I could—reading and thinking. And hiding. Which is what grad school is for right? At least it gives me an answer when anyone asks. Well when my dad asks, anyway. It only came up once, and Charlie actually gave me the answers I couldn't find.

"So, Bella, this is your last year right? Any thoughts about what you'll do after graduation? Or are you planning to stay in college indefinitely?" He questioned.

I wanted tell him that was my plan, indeed, but I didn't think he'd go for it, so I framed it in a more PC (parentally correct) manner.

"Umm, well, actually, I was thinking about going on to grad school," I suggested.

"I see. In English? That's your major right?"

"Yup," He asked me every time we talked if that was still my major.

"What, uh, does graduate school in English prepare you to do? Are you gonna write, or teach or what?" He was trying so hard to be gentle.

Actually, writing and teaching sounded pretty good, so I went with it. "Maybe. If I keep going I suppose I could be a professor. Seems like a pretty decent gig."

He was reasonably appeased by that. At least there was an end goal, even if my primary motivation was avoiding the real world.

I look at the professor in front of me, and I wonder if he is hiding too. I imagine it's a pretty common pathway to being an academic. I'm guessing not many college seniors are so in love with their discipline that they are committed to a lifetime of servitude.

I can barely think beyond today's schedule let alone committing myself to anything for the long haul.

After my humanities class is over today, I need to spend another hour or so doing some research for an upcoming paper, before I head to work.

I hate my job. With a passion. Let's see. I'm a college student. I need mostly evening hours. Ah food service it is. I have grown to despise it, but I can put up a good façade when needed.

I work at a local steakhouse. I'm not sure if a chain would be better, but I've been here long enough that I get some flexibility in my schedule; I found that the customers are pretty regular which is good for tips; and the location is on the bus route. It's not even the job that's the worst. This is a family run establishment.

Big Daddy started the place something close to a lifetime ago, and was on the verge of retirement, so he handed over the keys to Little Daddy. No education, no communication skills. Just a dick with power. His idea of a team meeting was to scream at everyone not to "fucking break anything tonight." No one ever gave him a sexual harassment training course either.

The first week he took over, he also revealed my new uniform. I went from wearing basic black pants and a white oxford to a red dress that had a low cut top and short skirt. He claimed something about adding class. Working half naked was impractical. I only stayed pissed for two weeks. That was long enough to realize my tips went up too much to complain.

In addition to having us wear his secret fantasy costume, Little Daddy wasn't above a playful slap on the ass either. He stopped spanking me months ago when I "accidentally" spilled coffee on him after his sexist smack.

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I just got startled." I batted my eyes innocently though I'm sure he heard what I really thought in my tone. _Try that again and the coffee goes straight to your face while I knee you in the nuts._

The rest of the wait staff consisted of the "giggly girls." I was no more an insider here than I had been in the dorm. More competition. More backstabbing. All for what? Better tables? More praise from your worthless boss who you would never see again after you graduated college? I really didn't get it.

Still my job was really my only social time. I smiled. I talked. I even flirted. I didn't mean any of it, but it was good to know I was still capable.

I can barely recall the last time I flirted with hopes of reciprocation. It's been years since my smile was anything more than a mask.

I really am alone here in Phoenix. And it's changing me. I feel the bitterness pumping through my veins like venom winding its way into every nook and cranny. I fear the inevitable day it reaches my heart. I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

I shocked everyone when I announced I was moving to Arizona for college. The only person I told I was applying was Edward, but even he didn't expect me to actually come here.

Telling my dad was the hardest. He simply couldn't understand, and he took it personally when I explained my reasoning. I needed to know what drew her here. I needed to feel where she lived. It didn't mean I didn't love him, or that he hadn't done a good enough job.

My mom took off when I was two. For a couple of years, she sent me postcards now and again. They had pictures of cacti and red dirt. They never said much.

"Got a new job. Hope to come visit soon. Love ya, Mom."

Always "Love ya" never "I love you." I was too young to read them at the time, but I still have them, and I pull them out once in a while. I wonder if the "love ya" was conscious or if she was just pressed for time. I've spent so many hours analyzing those two words I should write a senior thesis in implications of letter termination language.

While the cards were postmarked Phoenix, they never had a return address so I couldn't respond.

Then when I was 5, my dad sat me down after school one day to tell me there had been a bad car accident, and my mom didn't make it. At 5 I had absolutely no comprehension of what that meant. "Didn't make it." Didn't make what? But my dad was a man of few words, and he was trying hard, so I never said anything. And I never got another postcard.

It was probably 2 years before I understood all the implications of that conversation. And a couple more before I actually cried about it. I didn't really miss her because I never knew her. It was just always my dad and I, and we did fine.

I watched kids get hurt on the playground though, and they would cry out, "I want my mommy." Invariably, they always wanted mommy. I had no mommy to want. My daddy was a good solid man, who never got mad and never treated me wrong and loved me very much. But he wasn't a mommy. So when I got hurt on the playground, I just didn't cry out at all.

I suppose I came here to feel surrounded by my mommy. You see it was never actually Renee I chased. She was a ghost to me. I just thought between the warmth and the sunshine some of what she sought would feel like a mom.

I knew almost instantly coming here had been a mistake, but I didn't know how to admit it. I wanted to leave after the first semester. There was no warm mother here—everything was just hot and dry. Even the people.

I made an effort. I attempted to cultivate a new life, but I slowly wilted in this land with no sustaining water, no fertilizing friends.

I tried to work up the courage to tell Charlie I wanted to come home, but once I was on the phone with him, my stomach gurgled with the embarrassment it was digesting, and I choked on the vomit of my failure. And I stayed. Every week, every month, every year that I stayed, I drew inside myself even more. Too disappointed in myself to face the people I really let down, like my dad and Alice.

For a about a minute and a half, I feigned normalcy. I even played the role of girlfriend, but the part was bigger than my talent. My co-star left me high and dry.

I am trapped in this cracked dirt.

What I wouldn't give for a little of the luck I had in high school.

I suppose I lied when I said I had no desire to return home. I just don't see it happening now. It hadn't been fair to say thinking about Forks was a bad omen either. It's just that it reminded me what I left behind.

The day after the auditorium incident, as I like to call it, I began to notice a change. It came very slowly. A fog of some sort was lifting. The clarity was confusing at first.

The green eyed boy was in my biology class, and I considered that a gift from above. I was certainly too embarrassed to talk to him, but he sat right in front of me, so I could stare at the back of his head, which made biology more than tolerable.

The first thing that really stood out was P.E. of all things. On the first day, the teacher told us we would begin with basketball and then move to a unit in volleyball shortly after. Back to Back Hell. Like he'd planned it with care just for me. With a complete lack of hand eye coordination and an absolute inability to walk without tripping, I was in for trouble and teasing.

Come day two, however, there was a complete change of plans for some unknown reason. And we began with . . . golf. On first glance, this may not seem better, but the beauty of it was as long as I held onto the club, and it didn't go flying anywhere, I wasn't likely to hit anyone on the head at a driving range. Plus, since there were no teams, I couldn't let anyone down. I wouldn't get picked last or receive evil stares when I failed to make a basket. This was good. I could ease into the misery one foot at time.

On Friday, I woke up late. In my rush I failed to eat breakfast. My first stomach growl came as I was putting my bag in my locker. I dreaded the hours until lunch. LUNCH! Oh shit.

I left it sitting on the counter. I didn't even need to check my wallet, but I did anyway. I didn't carry cash, especially not in the fall or spring when I almost always brought my lunch so I could rush outside to eat in solitude while I read. It looked less conspicuous to eat alone in the quad rather than in the overcrowded lunchroom.

I got a little frantic digging deep in the crevices of my bag hoping for a smashed granola bar or few lost M&M's. Anything. Damn. No luck.

I suffered through 3 classes. The girl who sat next to me in biology snorted a couple of times at the particularly loud rumbles. I smiled at her apologetically. I really hoped it wasn't so loud that Bronze Boy could hear, but there was nothing I could do about it anyway. Fortunately, it was a lab day, which kept my mind and body busy. I jumped into the task and shut out everything else in that room, including my hunger.

When the bell rang, I went to my locker to stash the books from my last two classes and to grab the novel we were starting in English, _The Great Gatsby_. I wasn't a huge Fitzgerald fan, but it was a staple in any American Lit class. I'd read it before, so I only needed to skim for discussion purposes at this point.

I had slipped the book in the front pocket of my bag before biology so I could get to it quickly. When I reached in to grab it, I felt something other than the smooth cover of the paperback. As I slid the book out, I noticed something fall to the floor. My head jerked down to see a $5 bill, folded once in half but otherwise crisp.

Hmmm. That was odd. It must have been in there from a long time ago, maybe last spring. I sure don't remember putting the money there.

I certainly wasn't going to waste time trying to recall how long it had been in the pocket. I slammed my locker shut and rushed to the cafeteria to pick up sustenance. I love it when things work out like that.

I snatched a bagel and an apple for now, but I also stashed a pack of peanut M & M's in my pocket for later. Looking for some in my bag earlier prompted a craving apparently. I vowed to leave the remaining $1.54 in my locker in case I ever had a similar emergency.

All things considered, the first week back could have been much worse.

For the first time in almost a year, I didn't entirely dread going to school on Monday. I wouldn't go so far as to say I looked forward to it, but I wasn't crippled by fear either.

As if connected by some invisible bond, Lauren must have sensed my lightened mood. She couldn't have that. I had to be kept in my place, after all. While referring to me as a special needs student was probably her favorite offensive maneuver, attacks on my method of transportation definitely came in second.

I got to school one of three ways: my dad dropping me off, walking, or riding my bike. Because my dad was Chief of Police, riding in his cruiser was reserved only for the worst weather in the dead of winter. I usually opted for walking since I could cut through some wooded areas and not be seen along the road, but since I was running late . . . again . . . I opted for my bike.

Okay, so my bike is old. I got it at a yard sale a couple of years ago for $5. It has big baskets in the back which I loved for library runs. I was well aware that it looked like a bike a little old lady with a big floppy hat and garden gloves would use. The woman I bought it off was selling her house and going to an assisted living facility, so I suppose it really is a granny bike. But I don't care.

So on Monday, as I looped my chain around the spokes of my bike's tires and clipped the lock, Lauren strolled past.

"Oh dear God, Bella. You don't think anyone would actually want to steal that piece of shit do you? You know, I bet they have programs that would give new bikes to the needy." And she gave me a mock "poor you" look while her entourage looked on and snickered.

I was over it. I bit my tongue from making a crack about her only being old enough to drive at the beginning of sophomore year because she failed kindergarten. I knew she claimed she just started late, but I've always suspected my version is closer to the truth. A comeback would do no good though, so I waited for them to move on.

I had a feeling there were other witnesses, but I didn't even look up to see who else was around. I was worried my string of good luck was over, and it wasn't until the end of the day when I learned it was only just beginning.

After school, I unchained my dilapidated bike quietly, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I stood back, waiting for more people to exit the parking lot before I left. When the lot was about half empty, I could see Lauren in her little blue Corolla, turning the engine over and over. She was looking very frustrated, and when she looked up and caught eye, she shot me warning daggers.

I ignored them and chose that moment to depart. As I walked my bike slowly past her, I noticed a few people started to gather near her car, some to gawk and some to help. I felt brave. I was going to throw a zinger at her.

But someone beat me to the punch.

"Hey Lauren, maybe Bella could give you a ride home on her bike. It seems to be running just fine." I turned to the melodic voice of my former savior, in time to see Alice wink at me. I tried to offer my gratitude in the look I gave her, but I'm not sure it came out right.

I heard Lauren huff, but she said nothing. I noticed Edward was standing in front of her car, looking absolutely perfect as usual. He gave Lauren a look of sympathy and motioned to the hood of her car. She leaned down to pop it open. At that moment, my eyes met his.

I swear he was smiling.

I got on my bike, and rode off into the sunset.

The guy with B.O. yawned, and it appeared he also failed to brush his teeth today. For a moment I honestly thought I could throw up, so I stopped breathing. Winona Ryder had it right. Reality does bite.

I flashed an evil eye to the stinky S.O.B. next to me. I resented him for bringing me out of my memory. I knew my stop was close, and I didn't want to risk sniffing this guy any longer than necessary, but I closed my eyes for one last second as the bus slowed to a stop.

I needed more time with my daydream. The euphoria of that moment was a drug. I didn't care whether I snorted, injected, or swallowed it. Just one more hit, and I'd get through this god-awful day.

So I froze the parking lot scene in my mind.

_I dismounted my bike and flipped the kickstand down with my foot so I could walk around. _

_I went to Alice first, and I hugged her. "Thank you," I beamed to the statue. _

_I walked past Lauren resisting the completely immature desire to stick my tongue out at her. _

_I slowed down as I approached Edward. He was an exquisite sculpture. The kind of art that inspired. I grazed his hands which were just reaching out for the hood of the car. I let one finger drag its way up his arm. Resting that hand on his shoulder, I reached up and touched his lips with the other. I put my index finger to his mouth as if I were shh'ing him. I got up on my tippy toes and whispered in his ear, "I love you."_

I felt the bus jerk to a stop, and I opened my eyes once. I stood up and made my way to the front doors, bidding a fond farewell to smelly and sickly sitting side by side.

Still a little lost in my vision, I promptly stepped right into a puddle, soaking through to my socks. I got to my building with a couple of minutes to spare before class started. I reached into my bag to pull out the paper that was due today and was horrified to discover there was a hole in my bag, and the paper was completely soaked. I wondered if there was time to run to the lab in the basement in order to print a new copy when I remembered my flash drive was still plugged into my desktop at home.

This day just gets better and better.

Oh what the hell. Just for fun I went back to my vision one more time.

_I got back on my bike, and steered it a tad too close to Lauren's car, leaving nice long scratch in the side. _

Maybe a little imaginary spite will be the medicine this sick day needs.


	4. Biology

**A/N**_ **Once again, I cannot claim the characters, but I do claim to plan an excellent Disney vacation. Thanks go out to the totally hip, hmonster4 for her keen insight. I appreciate the reviews!**_

_Chapter 4: Biology_

EPOV

Traffic was light on my way to campus, and I found a parking spot with little effort. With such a smooth morning, I decided to spend a few minutes looking over my class notes on a bench outside the building.

Fall in Chicago is interesting. Temperatures can vary wildly. Sometimes the whole thing seems like a big wind up for winter. I always loved fall growing up, but before we moved here, it had been years since I'd experienced one.

We lived in New Hampshire when I was around eight. I remember Emmett complaining about fall.

"Everything's just getting ready to die. It's sad," he moaned.

I never saw it that way. I saw magic in the change. Everything moved from the green sameness of summer to something vibrant and unique. Each tree a slightly different hue. Red, gold, amber, brown, maroon. Individual. Yet when you looked on them as a whole the scene was awe inspiring, a symphony of color. Everything is at its peak, using all the energy of the universe to stand out, and to harmonize at the same time.

I saw fall as shedding. Our energy bursts and creates, and then we rest and reflect.

Today, it was impossible not to see some higher power at work in the landscape around me. I was enveloped in its warmth and splendor.

It reminded me of a hug from Bella.

I knew the material in my notes well, so I left the notebook in my backpack and let my gaze wander until everything merged to one color—brown.

XxXxXxXxXXXxXx

The rest of my first day at Forks passed much the same as they always did. People ogled and inquired. I had two bright spots in the otherwise monotony.

The brown haired girl, Bella is in my Biology class. The class was on a "college bound" track which meant Bella was smart. "College bound" was such ridiculous excuse of for a euphemism. She sat behind me. She was quiet, not even chatting with the girl sitting next to her. I fought an urge to turn around and introduce myself, assuming she was still wrestling with embarrassment from her spill in the assembly.

I could feel her though. I still couldn't figure out what this odd pull to protect her was. I was a little frustrated that she was behind me so I couldn't examine her more. How appropriate that we had biology together. I could approach this situation scientifically. Start with the question; observe; gather data; and draw conclusions later.

At the end of class, I watched her leave the room. I noticed she tripped twice just getting out the door.

I could take the same observational approach with the other one, the vixen, because she was in my P.E. class as luck would have it. I realized it probably said something about her intellect that I didn't have any other classes with her, but I was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

The gym uniform was shorts and a t-shirt. I got to check out her legs when she walked out of the locker room and took her spot on the bleachers. We didn't do any actual activity today; it was more of an overview of the semester and how to be safe in P.E.

I now had a name for this one, too. Lauren. I was sitting two rows behind her, and I could see just a hint of her black thong call out to my nether regions.

She took a moment to check out the rest of the class. She paused when she saw me. A slow smile spread across her face, and she gave a little wave. I offered a slight nod in return.

I overheard her say to the girl next to her, "Thank God Bella Swan's not in here. Can you imagine having to deal with her during basketball and volleyball? We'd have to have a freaking paramedic on site."

I admit I was conflicted about Lauren. I didn't know how to reconcile the way my body reacted to her with the way she treated Bella, the one my mind wanted to protect.

Mind and body are powerful dualisms. In old Westerns, the bad guy always wears black while the hero has the white ten gallon hat. We're comfortable as audience members knowing the lines are clearly divided. We take solace in the divided camps. Good and Evil. Not sort of kind of okay or a almost good and a little bit bad.

Bella and Lauren. Mind and Body. I couldn't find the middle, the gray, here either.

I ignored the struggle for a moment and took in the visual. Bella couldn't make it out of biology without tripping. She would not survive basketball and volleyball unscathed. She's been recently humiliated. That just wouldn't be a good start to the year. I had to figure something out there.

I couldn't tell you anything the teacher said. Having two girls on your mind leaves room for little else.

When the bell rang, signaling the end of class, I watched Lauren stand up. She noticed her shoe was untied, so she bent down to tie it. I'll never be convinced she didn't untie tit on purpose to give me a show, but it was well worth the price of admission.

Her shorts inched up revealing just a trace of her ass cheeks. I had a quick vision of entering her from behind right then and there, but I knew the shorts I sported had no hope of hiding a hard on, so stopped that shit fast.

When I got to the bottom of the bleachers, she stood up with a grin, and said, "Hey Edward, my friend Jess's parents are going out to town this weekend. She's having a party on Saturday. You should come. We could get to know each other better," Her tone dripping with the image I just cast out of my head.

"I think I'd like that," I stated simply and retreated to the locker room, biting back the rest of what I wanted to say, "_especially if you bend over like again that and let me fuck you stupid_."

Gym class might be more of a struggle than I thought. I might be good at just about everything, but I'm still a hormonal teenage guy. I just hoped there wouldn't be a gymnastics unit.

Knowing that I would have the weekend to work on (or maybe out) Lauren, I shifted my focus back to Bella. She could not start the year with basketball. I headed to my new gym teacher's office for a chat.

Given my powers of persuasion, it was ridiculously easy to influence Coach Clapp's curriculum. I don't remember the details, but in the final negotiation, I spent a couple of hours after school sorting through golf equipment.

I spent the rest of the week, observing. I worried that it could be construed as stalking, but I reasoned with myself that a true stalker would be in it for his own self interest. Of course a part of me knew that stalkers probably think they were helping their victim.

So damn conflicted. To stalk to or not to stalk. To try to get in Lauren's pants or not. But conflict is good. It makes life interesting.

In Friday, I followed what had become a usual pattern. Locker, bathroom, water fountain, say hi to a new acquaintance, back to locker . . . just so I could catch glimpses of Bella or Lauren. I caught Bella first this morning. She seemed off kilter. I watched her rifle through her bag, desperately seeking something. She looked dejected when her hands came out empty. She scanned her wallet, and her face registered more disappointment.

I had a hunch what was going on, but it wasn't confirmed until biology. It took everything in me not to burst out laughing when Bella's stomach roared. It wasn't funny really. The poor girl was hungry. And she had no lunch, and no money. I couldn't think of any good reason to offer her money. "Hi Bella, we've never actually met, but I've been watching you, and I'd like give you some lunch money." Not good.

Everyone was busy working on their lab, so I asked Mr. Banner for the hall pass to use the bathroom.

"Can't you wait a ½ hour until lunch, Cullen?"

"Hey when you gotta go, you gotta go. It's just biology right?" I threw back at him.

I heard something that sounded like "little shit" as I quietly exited the room. Bella's locker was not exactly close to the biology lab, so I moved fast. I'd watched her enough in the past few days, that I had her combination memories. Left to 34, Right to 5, Left to 0. She always opened it slowly. Mouthing the combination as she turned the dial.

Okay, now where to put the money? She'd checked her wallet, so she wouldn't go there. No jackets this time of year. If I set it anywhere obvious, she'd get suspicious. On the verge of giving up, I saw her copy of _The Great Gatsby_ in the front pocket of her bag. I knew by now that she would read outside during lunch as she did every day. She would come here first to drop off her bio crap.

I didn't want to invade her privacy, but I took a quick peak in the bag to see if there were any other books that would be likely contenders for a lunch read. None. I slipped the fiver in next to the book and shut the door, rushing back to class.

"Took you long enough, Cullen," Mr. Banner barked.

"Like I said sir, just biology."

A half an hour later, I wanted to pat myself on the back when I saw Bella heading outside toward her usual spot under a tree, her hands full with a bagel, an apple, and some sort of juice bottle. Didn't seem like much to me, but at least she was eating.

I could safely return my attention back to Lauren. Screw patting myself on the back, I wanted to pat something else when I saw Lauren eating that damn banana.

Thankfully, Saturday came quickly enough. Emmett already knew about the party, and although he could have gone with his new buddies, family came first, and we went together. I would have gone alone, but I think we both felt a little more powerful arriving together.

Jessica's house was a small ranch. There weren't any cars parked out front, but the drill in the small town was to park a block or so away to draw less attention. Cops had little else to do besides arrest teens for underage drinking. Emmett agreed to drive. He never drank at parties because he didn't want to get benched if got busted.

I wasn't planning to get shitfaced. I've been there, done that, and it's not really worth it. But I'm not opposed to a nice buzz. You can judge me all you want, but if you think I'm the only 15 year old out there knocking back booze on the weekend, you might need a reality check.

We walked into the small living room and noticed 8 people gathered around a small coffee table playing quarters. Emmett knew a couple of them, and they yelled "Hey, beer's in the kitchen."

We made our way down a hall, and noticed an open door to a basement. From the sound of it, more people were downstairs. There was a keg in the middle of the room with a stack of blue plastic cups on the counter. Classy drinking at its best. I preferred to a hit a couple of shots, and I brought a small bottle along, but I didn't have enough to share, and I didn't want to seem unsocial, so I grabbed a beer. I was half way through pouring, when a voice purred, "Watch it. You've got a lot of head on that beer. "

She knew what she was doing, so I took the bait, "You know something about giving head?"

She was quick, "Maybe you'll find out when we get to know each other better. I'm glad you came."

I thought it would be pushing my luck if I said, "_I'll be coming later thank you very much_." So, I just nodded. My standard response.

I noticed Emmett had gravitated toward the living room again, so when Lauren took my hand and led me downstairs, I didn't hesitate.

There were plenty of people down there, playing various card games and laughing. I recognized a few people from classes, but I couldn't really remember any names.

Lauren sat down with a group playing poker. There weren't many chairs left, so I didn't actually sit next to her. I sat next to a tiny little thing with black spiky hair. She bubbled with enthusiasm. "Hi I'm Alice Brandon. I'm in your English class. It's nice to finally meet you."

We engaged in small talk for a while—our mutual class, Forks, interests. I liked Alice right away. She seemed genuine. I noticed Lauren didn't look too pleased.

Good. If she thinks there's competition, she might work a little harder to get to know me later. Damn. I am such a typical guy.

I shifted my awareness to the poker game transpiring before me. A gorgeous blond was wiping the floor with everyone. I heard Alice call her Rosalie. She was hot; not my type. She was just a little too sure of herself. A guy would have to work mighty hard to please her, and I had a feeling the guys betting against her willing to give it a shot. I'm to accustomed to things that come easy for me to want that kind of effort.

There was a lot of gossip around the table. It was all like a static buzz; I was aware of it but not really processing anything until I hear someone say, "So come on Lauren, fess up. Did you trip the Swan girl at the assembly or not?"

You could tell by looking at her smug expression she had, but she put on a coy face and responded, "Now why would I need to trip her? The girl has enough problems falling all on her own."

Damn. She'd tripped Bella. That was rough.

Under her breath, I heard Alice whisper, "Bitch." I wasn't the only one who heard.

"Got a problem, Brandon?" Lauren prompted, "Still all sappy for your pet project?"

"Give it a rest. She's a good person, Lauren. I don't know why you have to be so mean to her," Alice replied.

"What the fuck ever." It wasn't a terribly impressive comeback, but I don't think she had anything else. Lauren downed the last of her beer and went upstairs for a refill.

I took my opportunity.

"What's that all about?"

Alice shrugged. "Lauren has a long standing issue with Bella Swan. Do you know who that is?"

"I saw the fall. And Bella sits behind me in biology."

"So you know how quiet she is. She's never done anything to offend Lauren, and she's never even really defended herself, but for years Lauren has just ripped her to shreds. It's really done a number on Bella's self esteem, which wasn't so great to begin with."

"You're friends then?" I was cautious. This was an excellent opportunity to gain insight, but I didn't want to come off as too eager.

"I used to," she shrugged. "She doesn't really do social anymore."

There was something in her tone that told me Alice wasn't happy about that development, but she hadn't shut down the conversation.

"She does seem shy. She wasn't always?"

"Hmm, yeah, she was, but not so closed off."

Alice's demeanor shifted. I felt badly that talking about Bella did that to her. At the same time, it indicated she still cared. I knew there was an opportunity here, but I wasn't quite sure how to frame it. I wanted the message to be clear, but not forced.

"I understand," I paused for a second. "It seems like she could really use a friend. Even if she doesn't know it."

Alice looked up at me, probably trying to figure out what my angle was, but she silently nodded.

Before I knew it, Lauren was back, and her place had been filled, so she sauntered over, motioned to my lap and asked, "Is this seat taken?"

She's a bitch. I've been an asshole, so I couldn't fault her entirely. Besides, anything that got me closer to my vision in the gym was fine by me.

Alice looked at me for a second, contemplating something. She rolled her eyes at Lauren, and decided to ante up and join the game.

Lauren played too, bouncing up and down on my lap when she had a good hand.

I couldn't stand that for long, so I asked if she wanted to take a walk with me. We didn't get far. A block down the street, in the back seat of her car with an empty flask of vodka, we did, in fact, get to know each other. And she proved she did know a little something about giving head.

By Monday, I was struggling. I didn't want a relationship with Lauren. The only thing we had in common was desire. But that was mutual, and there was plenty of it.

I was in this cloudy mindset when I saw Lauren trash Bella about her bike. She was just ruthless. But that didn't make me want her mouth on my dick any less.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alice taking in the scene. I tilted my head at her hoping she might say something, but she just shook her head very slightly at me, and walked away.

So, when Alice stepped up to the plate after school with the comment about Bella's bike running just fine, I wanted to high five her. I could tell it meant something to Bella. She beamed gratitude.

It was contagious. I'm I sure was smiling as I opened Lauren's hood. I pulled on a few hoses, and moved my head around to check out the engine in order to put on a show, but I had the battery re-connected in a flash.

I laughed a little when I recalled Mr. Banner's crack about my being very "regular" in my toilet habits when I had taken another long trip during biology today. Considering Bella's expression just now, I would say it was a productive bathroom break.

When Lauren fired up her car, she looked very relieved. I was sure she'd thank me later.

Very productive indeed.

XxXxXxXx

The things you do when you're young. I spent three years messing around with Lauren, and that first night at the party was the closest we ever came to a date. I loved every minute of it at the time, but I wouldn't want that kind of relationship today, if you can even call it that. I don't know why it didn't bother me more back then.

I am not a fan of regret though. I would lose too much good if I erased my past.

I remember feeling some sort of power surge when Bella rode off on her bike. I could see her sit up just a bit straighter.

The seed was planted, but her confidence didn't grow overnight.

I never expected to care about her so much. When I first saw her in that auditorium, I just thought I had the ability to make her happier. And I did. I was so damned arrogant. I believed I had the power to change someone's life.

Bella never had a clue about any of it—the $5, Lauren's car, or even gym switch. A part of me has always felt guilty. Bella used to say she was just luckier in high school. Good things happened to her then. She became dependent on me before we even met.

Since I never told her, I couldn't explain that none of that was real, and didn't really matter. Those weren't the things that changed her high school experience. The real change came from within.

I wish I could do more for her now. She tries to hide it, but I don't think she kept much of the confidence she gained by the end high school. I'm pretty sure she and Alice drifted apart again. Whenever I bring her up, Bella changes the subject. Our conversations are mostly small talk now, and they rarely last more than 10 minutes.

I took note of my own words the night I met Alice_. "It seems like she could really use a friend. Even if she doesn't know it." _That statement was probably just as true today as it was then.

It took a big gesture from Alice to bring her out of hiding before. I was the king of grand gestures, but they were always invisible.

My good mood was waning a bit. I'd been avoiding the elephant in the room for years. I argued that telling Bella would destroy our friendship. At this point, though, our friendship was already strained.

Maybe telling Bella the truth would be just the gesture to spark a change. It was worth a shot anyway. After all, I was feeling lucky.


	5. Make New Friends

**A/N: No claims on the characters as you know, but I fully claim my addiction to fanfic. I love reviews! If you drop me a few, I might even give some hints on the LC thread on Twilighted. Come join the fun!**

_Chapter Five: Make New Friends_

BPOV

My lit teacher said I could turn in my paper via email before midnight. That meant I wouldn't get any research in today because I'd have to run home before work, which wasn't in the plan.

I'd pretty much given up on this day.

Since the rain stopped, I decided to do my reading outside. October temperatures were less oppressive, and before the drop of rain from the morning completely evaporated, I hoped to breathe a little humidity.

I could smell when the last hint of the rain disappeared. I was taking in pure dust within an hour of my break.

My eyes crossed, starting at the page. The guys in my Humanities class were going to find all kinds of flaws with _The Beauty Myth,_ and though I probably wouldn't speak up, I created an arsenal of arguments.

I decided I had enough and should probably head to the library since I was going to lose my research time later, when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Looking at the screen, I saw my dad's number. I hadn't returned his two calls from earlier in the week, and a pang of guilt hit me, so I flipped the phone open before he was taken to voice mail.

"Hi Dad. What's up?"

"Oh, hey, Bella. I was just about to hang up. I didn't want to leave you another message." He sounded so glum, and more guilt slammed into me.

"Sorry about that. I've been busy. Is something going on?"

"No, not really. It's just been a few weeks, and I was getting a little worried about you. Is everything okay down there?"

"Sure, dad. Classes all day; work all night. Just haven't had a chance to call. You just happened to catch me between classes. I don't have much free time for calls these days. Gotta pay the rent, you know." It was a low blow really. I knew he wanted to help out more with college, but I was the one who opted for out of state tuition.

"Oh I know. Sorry if I am bothering you. I don't want to take you away from anything important. I just wanted to make you're okay. I'll let you go." Damn, he was downright dejected. I couldn't let this conversation end that way. He didn't deserve it.

"It's okay, dad. I have a few minutes. What's going on with you?"

"Not much. Work's good, I suppose. The good people of Forks aren't causing me too much stress these days." I chuckled a little at that, as if they ever had.

"Oh yeah, I ran into Alice Brandon's mom the other day. How come you didn't tell me she got engaged? "

Ah that would be because I didn't know. I hated lying to my dad, but for some reason I had to let him believe that I still had at least one friend.

"I guess I forgot. So, did she say anything else?"

"Not too much. Just said the wedding would probably be this summer. You ever meet this guy? What did her mom say his name was? Funny name started with a 'J'?"

"It's Jasper, dad." I was grateful I didn't have to fib or struggle for words here. Alice met Jasper the first semester of college, before I disengaged.

"That's right. So, Bella, I know you usually work both Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I was wondering if you might be thinking about coming home for one or the other this year. I could look into tickets."

"Um. Actually. No, I hadn't really thought about it. I don't know, Dad. Money is pretty tight for me to give up the extra hours during a break." It was true enough even if I had other reasons for avoiding Forks.

"I see. Yeah. I figured. Maybe, I could come visit you there then?" his voice was almost begging, and it made me sick to think I had reduced him to that.

"You know, it probably wouldn't be much fun if I'm working all the time." I didn't want him here anymore than I wanted to go there. I wouldn't be able to handle his disappointment if he saw what my life had become.

"Well, I wouldn't mind. But we can talk more about it later. Maybe I can work some overtime myself to help you get some time off." I knew he tried to give the younger officers with families any additional hours that came up—not that overtime for the police force was overabundant in Forks.

"Sure, later would be good. Hey, I'm glad you caught me today, but I've got to get going to class." In about a ½ hour I added mentally. But I didn't like where the conversation was going, or how it was making me feel.

"Okay, Bells. Don't be a stranger, now." And with that he hung up.

And I officially hated today.

I won't even say it couldn't get worse, because with my luck, I knew it could.

There was no time left to hit the library, so I gathered my things and headed to my class. I couldn't get the conversation out of my head though. I was drowning in it. The ocean of mistakes was just too deep and too choppy to swim in.

There was the whole issue of my dad, itself. I knew it was hard for him; I was really all he had. We may not have talked much, ever, but we were always together. He was completely alone now. While mine was a self imposed solitude, his was an unwanted, undeserved prison.

I must be the worst daughter ever that I couldn't even get over my issues to visit my dad for Christmas.

I could pretend I wasn't dying inside for a few hours here and there to get through a class or even a shift at work, but I couldn't keep up the pretense for days. My mask would slip; my fraud would be revealed. There were just too many reminders of all my errors there.

So there was all of that to deal with too. Hurting my dad just scratched the surface. Even if my reasons made sense at the time, the way I ditched Alice was disgusting.

I was dreadfully disappointed when I came here, and Alice was so damned happy every time I talked to her. She loved college. She and Rose were roommates, and they had this very active social scene. Alice began helping out with costume design in the theatre department her first semester. And she fell in love. Really in love. Everything about her life was real.

I was jealous.

Because my life was a charade, right down the sham of a relationship I was in.

I was an absolutely miserable bitch because I knew I couldn't love that guy, and I let him fall in love with me anyway. And love me he did. I wanted to return the emotion, so I laughed with him; I listened to him; and I faked orgasms for him. Every day I prayed I would love him.

But I never really gave in to him. He never got all of me. Not when I'd sent the best of me off to Chicago, leaving too big a hole for any man to fill.

The last time I talked to Alice was the day after my counterfeit relationship ended on Christmas Eve no less, leaving me in even smaller pieces.

She didn't know because I never told her.

I coveted her fucking happiness. And I resented the hell out of it.

"You'll never believe what Jasper got me for Christmas!" she beamed over the phone.

"Honestly, Alice, I don't give shit," I assumed the gift was sweet, cotton candy followed by coca cola, topped off with powdered sugar and maple syrup on pancakes sweet.

"Excuse me?" Pure puzzlement resonated in her tone.

"You heard me. You know, I think you should just stop calling because I can't take your fucking perfect life with perfect presents and perfect boyfriend anymore. Not all of us have it so good, Alice, but you don't seem to care about anyone else but yourself!" And I hung up on her.

It was untrue and cruel, and I hated myself. I was the shitty friend because I couldn't be happy for her. She tried to call; she left numerous messages. She would have forgiven me and even apologized for having done nothing wrong because that's how Alice was.

I knew I was depressed, but not so much that I'd do anything stupid. I think knowing I was happy once, even if it was short lived was enough to know it was possible. I just needed to hit a lucky streak. When that happened, things would just start falling into place. Just like they did back then.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

I thought about Alice a lot after the "bike incident." I missed her. And not just because she was my sidekick in the battle against my nemesis, Lauren.

We used to dance until we collapsed in sheer exhaustion. We laughed until we peed our pants. I swear I literally tinkled once.

We made batches of cookies just to eat the dough.

We dressed up in crazy outfits and walked around town to see what kind of a reaction we could get.

All of that was middle school though, and who knows if goofy and silly were even acceptable anymore?

I was still processing Alice's actions from bike day. I didn't know if it was a one shot deal or if there were an invitation of some sort implied in it. We hadn't even had a conversation since the end of last year. I was a little embarrassed. I wanted to feel comfortable with her and Rose, and I wanted to go to parties and fit in. I knew Alice would still be my friend even if I didn't do the traditional high school scene, but I didn't want to hold her back either, so I just stopped calling, and I made up excuses when she tried to make plans.

Why would she still want to be my friend after I ignored her? Fear kept me from calling her now.

My lucky streak continued though. Nothing big happened for a while. Simple pleasures were fine though. Lauren didn't so much as give me a dirty look for a long time. I got through my birthday largely unnoticed and unscathed. My dad gave me a gift certificate to a bookstore in Port Angeles and promised to drive me there some Saturday to use it.

I was feeling more empowered every day. I loved my bike, damn it! I wouldn't let Lauren or anyone else put it down. Not only was I NOT in any "special" classes, I was actually smart. I still wasn't sure about pretty as Alice said, but I didn't break any mirrors.

I got stronger and stronger.

My courage came in spurts. I started talking to people in classes, like my lab partner, Angela. I didn't always look at the floor when I passed people in the hall. I even made eye contact with Alice and smiled at her one day. She was surprised, but she waved in return.

A couple of weeks later, I got my first computer. My dad just came home with it one day and said a friend gave it to him. You've got to love friends like that. I didn't care that like most everything I owned, it was a hand me down. It meant no more squeezing in time for the computer lab at school. It was kind of funny too because just a couple of days prior, I mentioned to Angela how much I would love my own computer. She'd asked me for my email address so we could exchange ideas about an upcoming assignment, but I told her it wouldn't do much good since my access was so limited.

About a month into the school year, I got the luckiest break of all.

I was in my usual spot outside during lunch, enjoying one of the last nice days of the season, when I felt someone slide down next to me.

"Hi Bella," Alice said casually.

"Oh. Hey. What's up?" I fumbled.

"Well, I know this is out of the blue, but next Saturday I'm going to see the Seattle Shakespeare Company's production of 'Hamlet.' I'm doing this project on it for English. Anyway, I have an extra ticket, and I was wondering if you wanted to go." She took a big breath when she finished.

"Wow," I stalled. "You're sure you want me to come?"

"Absolutely. I can't imagine watching Shakespeare without you," She quipped. "Listen, we've got some things to talk about. And we'll get there. Right now though, I know I miss you, and I'm pretty sure you feel the same way. I figure it's a lot more productive to go to Seattle and get re-acquainted than to sit around talking about the mistakes we've both made." It was so hard not to like Alice.

"You're persuasive as ever. I'll have to ask my dad, of course, but I'd really like to go," I said.

"Great! Oh Bella. It'll be fun really fun. I promise. We have to work out some of the details yet, but we're going to the 2:00 matinee, so we'll be leaving sometime in the morning," the energy I loved was oozing out of her.

"Okay, are both of your parents going?" I asked.

"Oh! No, sorry. I forgot to mention. I have a partner for my English project. We're going with Edward Cullen, the new guy. Anyway, I think his mom is taking us," she said nonchalantly.

Holy Crap! Edward Cullen?!? I was pretty sure I would be mute that day. He intimidated the heck of me. Being in class with him this past month taught me that he was as smart as he was gorgeous. His perfection made him almost inhuman in my head. What kind of a conversation can you have with an idol?

"S-sounds-s good. Just give me a call," I stuttered.

I wasn't sure how to work this. I mean, I suppose it was silly to have Alice be the go between when we had a class together. I could ask him about the plans. Should ask him actually. It would be polite. But in the entire time we'd been in class just feet away from each other, we'd never even made eye contact.

But since I was feeling so lucky these days, I convinced myself I could talk to him.

The next day I got to class early, hoping to approach him before too many people were in the room. I didn't want him to have to explain to any of his friends that he was taking me along as a charity case or anything. I knew this wasn't his idea.

I buried my face in my book and bounced my foot under the desk, waiting for him to arrive. I heard the chair in front of me slide out from the table, and I glanced up.

I inhaled some confidence. "Edward?"

He turned slowly. I pleaded to the heavens that his expression not be one of contempt. A flash of confusion passed between us. He broke the chains of uncertainty first.

I heard angels singing. Light radiated from all around him. His eyes sparkled, and his smile was a welcome home after a trip abroad. The site was simply dazzling.

I remained tethered to the prison of trepidation.

"Hi, Bella. So I hear you're joining us next weekend," he acknowledged.

"Um, if it's a problem for you or anything, I can tell Alice I'm busy or my dad said 'no' or something."

"Don't be silly," he assured me. "Besides, Alice might not survive the disappointment. She's very excited you agreed to come. I think you made her year."

"Oh I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. Anyway, thanks for taking on a stranger. I can meet you all somewhere Saturday so no one has to pick me up. And I'll pay for gas, of course," I said.

"Bella, Forks isn't that big. I'm sure your house can't be that far out of the way. I'll talk to my mom tonight and nail down some details. She's going to drop us off at the theatre as she has some stores she wants to visit. Alice hinted about leaving early to do some shopping herself before the performance. Are you opposed to that?" He asked.

"No, I'm free. I can be ready whenever."

"Excellent," he mused, "I could stand an hour or two of civilization myself."

I smiled back, but the bell rang, so he turned back to face Mr. Banner.

Edward greeted me every day after that. And Alice called me twice just to talk. So, by the time the Seattle Saturday came, I was feeling optimistic. My alarm went off at 6 because we all agreed the earlier the better. A black Mercedes pulled up in front of my house at 7:15, and I watched out the window as Alice hopped up to my front door. I couldn't remember ever seeing a Mercedes in Forks before.

My dad answered the doorbell while I grabbed a light jacket and stuffed money in my wallet.

When I came down the stairs, Alice was talking a mile a minute with my dad, playing catch up, I assumed. He'd often asked why she didn't come to visit anymore. I yelled, "Hey," and I turned toward the kitchen to grab the pop tart I'd toasted when I caught site of the loveliest woman. I expected her to be beautiful, given her children, but that wasn't what surprised me. .Her caramel hair perfectly framed her heart shaped face in a way that radiated love. When I saw Mrs. Cullen, only one word came to mind, "mom."

"Hello, Chief Swan, I'm Esme Cullen. I wanted to introduce myself before I kidnap your daughter for the day."

I could tell my dad was stunned by her, but he grunted his way through a greeting. We were out the door with Mrs. Cullen promising to take good care of me.

The drive went quickly despite two stops. Edward controlled the music from the shot gun position, and I liked his choices. With Alice around, conversation never lulled. I found myself more at ease than I expected. I didn't weigh in a whole lot because I didn't want to make a fool of myself, but I laughed and chimed in when I had something to say.

We approached Seattle around 10:30. Mrs. Cullen maneuvered the downtown streets well. She explained that the theatre was about a mile from where we parked, but this parking garage was closer to downtown shopping. She offered to drive us to the theatre later, but we agreed to walk.

"Okay, I'll pick you up at theatre when the show is over, and we can grab a bite before we go home. Enjoy yourselves, but be careful!"

Alice was intimately familiar with downtown Seattle. I knew our shopping agendas wouldn't be the same though. I couldn't see myself looking for clothes in trendy boutiques, and I didn't think Edward would go for that either.

With all the luck I'd been having I should have expected I'd be saved. Alice was way ahead of me.

"Hey you two, I am sure neither of you want to shop with me. There's an area just up the street with a large Borders and some stores close by I'd like to check out. We can just pick a time to meet. We'll probably need to find something to eat before the play though. Edward, I know Bella's happy with a bookstore. Will you be okay?"

"Definitely, I'll go to Borders with Bella. There's always music for me to explore," he responded.

Oddly though, he didn't leave my side the entire time. He walked with me, asking me about my favorite authors. Every once in a while I would pick up a book and leaf through a few chapters, but he never looked impatient. He just distracted himself going through the stacks. I couldn't believe how comfortable he made me, and I wondered why he stayed with me.

"You must be bored to tears. It's really okay if you want to go to the music section," I suggested.

"Quite the contrary. I'm fascinated. Not many people our age really want to talk about books. I may have different tastes than you, but I still appreciate the conversation. And the company."

"Do you read a lot too?"

"Hmm, not as much as you it seems. I enjoy biographies and nonfiction when I do. I respect your passion though. I feel the same way about music."

"Listening or playing?"

"Both actually. I play piano."

"That's cool. I'd love to hear more about it. I've never learned to play anything. I'd probably break the instrument if I tried."

He chuckled. "I did notice some coordination problems."

"It's not easy to miss," I laughed with him. "I can't believe how easy this is." I have no idea why that came out.

"What do you mean?"

"It's just . . . you know . . .I was really nervous about today. I haven't hung out with anyone in a very long time. And you and Alice are with a different crowd of people. I expected be out of place around you."

"I'm sorry I didn't make an effort to introduce myself sooner, Bella. It was quite rude, but I never wanted to make you uncomfortable. You seemed so shy, and after our first encounter, I thought I might bring up bad memories. I'm glad to get to know you now though."

"That was perceptive. I'm surprised you noticed all that."

"I don't miss much," He said. "If I may, you seem happier than you did that first day."

"It's weird. I am having such a string of good luck. Things are just going so well, and Alice asking me along today was just icing on the cake. So, yeah, I am happier."

"I can see why Alice wanted you to come along. I doubt many in our class would appreciate Shakespeare."

"She knows my weakness."

"I got the impression you hadn't been together in a while. Did something happen?"

"Just life I guess. We were really close until high school, and then we just split into different crowds. She had one, and I didn't." Sharing these details with him was effortless.

He paused, digesting my words. "I see. You know, I don't think you would be unwelcome in her crowd."

"Except for Lauren Mallory," I quipped.

"True, she does seem to be at war with you, but you've got one heck of a weapon in Alice."

"Speaking of whom, it's got to be time to meet up with her." I said trying to direct attention away from my lack of a social life.

"Nice change of subject. Fine. I'll let it go now, but try not to let Lauren have so much power over you. I don't think she's as dangerous as you make her out to be."

Once we hooked up with Alice, Edward and I didn't talk much. We couldn't have if we'd wanted to. Alice was too excited about everything found shopping to let us get a word in.

The day was an oasis. In the end, I went along for the play, but it's what I remember least about the trip to Seattle.

When we'd left my house that morning, I realized how much money Edward and his family must have had. By the time Mrs. Cullen dropped me off late that night, I was the rich one. Silver and Gold. Alice and Edward.

Alice called me the next day to ask if I wanted to go see a movie with her and Rosalie the next weekend. If I were going to be friends with Alice again, I would have to cross the Rosalie bridge, so I agreed to go.

"Yay! Bella, I was right about Seattle wasn't I? You had fun! And the movie will be too" She teased.

"Yes, you were right about Seattle. It was a very nice day. Thank you so much. I didn't deserve it after . . . everything. You should be mad at me."

"Oh silly Bella, I couldn't be mad at you. I missed you too much. So, all of that is history," she dismissed. "Okay, I'm meeting Edward to work on our project soon, so I better go. I really like him by the way. He's like you. More mature than the rest of us. I can't imagine what he sees in Lauren."

It hit like a ton of bricks.

"He's dating her?" I was afraid I might cry. It was a slap in the face after what he said to me yesterday.

"I don't think there's much dating involved if you know what I mean, but there's some hook up action going on. Anyway, we'll gossip more about that later! See you in school tomorrow. If it's raining, feel free to join our table." With that she hung up.

Edward likes Lauren. They are both attractive. He's more than that, but still . . . I guess beauty attracts itself. I registered my disappointment. I had a crush on him, sure, but nothing would come of that anyway, so I could let it go. I really enjoyed talking to him though, and I kind of hoped we could be friends. If he was dating Lauren, that would be out of the question. Her wrath would annihilate me.

Goodbye gold.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXx

How unexpectedly wrong I was. That day was only the beginning of my friendship with Edward.

_Make new friends and keep the old_.

Shockingly, the Shakespeare trip gave me both.

I was smiling as I started singing that old camp song in my head, but I forgot how bittersweet the rest of the lyrics were.

A circle is round,  
it has no end.  
That's how long,  
I will be your friend.

A fire burns bright,  
it warms the heart.  
We've been friends,  
from the very start.

You have one hand,  
I have the other.  
Put them together,  
We have each other.

I did keep both silver and gold, for a while anyway. But the circle had broken. I threw away my silver, and I tarnished my gold.

I was tired. Just absolutely beyond exhausted. I know that I took on too many hours at work this month, but I really needed to do better with income. I didn't want to have so much debt at the end of college that there was no hope of ever paying it all off.

This day was taking so much out of me. By the time I emailed my lit prof my paper, I was tempted to call in sick to work. I could hop in the shower to get the grime off, make a nice cup of hot tea, and settle in bed with a good book. I had just picked up some cheesy young adult novel about vampires everyone was raving about, and I really wanted an escape.

Of course, I never play hooky. Ever.

So, I threw on my slut suit of a uniform, teased my hair, and added some red lipstick to complete the look. If I had to suffer through work tonight, I might as well aim for big tips.

**End Note: So, I know people are anxious to see our poor Bella happy, but the Phoneix has to die before being reborn right?**

**To my dear beta partner, hmonster4, may your Emmett rent a flight suit and read you some Neruda soon.**


	6. Dirty Little Secret

**A/N: Again, no claims on the characters, but I claim my procrastination and enthusiasm loudly. I truly appreciate all the reviews so far as well as those of you who have the story on alert or a favorite list. I love the reviews. Please keep them coming! Hopefully this chapter won't leave you needing an anti-depressant! **

_Chapter Six: Dirty Little Secret_

EPOV

Reminiscing was a double edged sword. Getting lost in those memories even for a few minutes was invigorating, but on close inspection they brought me face to face with realities I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with.

Thankfully, I had a top heavy morning, so I was able to ignore those realities for a few more hours.

In the middle of my first class, though, I got a surprise text from Emmett.

"_in_ _town. free for lunch? 12:30 the usual_?"

I responded instantly. "Yes."

Since Emmett moved into the city last May, I only saw him every couple of weeks. I didn't know how much of his distance was geographic versus psychological.

I think Emmett was feeling pressure from Mom and Dad. Dad didn't think Emmett had much direction. He moved into his Lincoln Park apartment, right by Wrigley Field over the summer, and his life revolved around Cubs games and the city scene.

Despite a business degree, he waited tables and tended bar. He told me he just wasn't ready to settle into the regular 9-5 gig, and he didn't really know what he wanted to do anyway. His major surprised me honestly. I thought he'd go with coaching or sports medicine or something, but he claimed he was sick of being on the inside of sports and just wanted to be a fan for a while.

My mom applied a different kind of pressure.

Neither of her boys had ever had a long term romantic relationship as far as she knew. She was concerned about our apparent commitment problems. She cut me some slack, however, as she perceived pre-med to be a demanding major, and perhaps, she hoped I was simply too busy for women.

My last class ran long so Emmett was already seated with a beer in front of him when I arrived.

"Hey Bro, thought maybe you were going to stand me up," Emmett teased.

"And miss a chance to see my favorite brother? Not a chance," I responded. "So, this was a surprise. What are you doing out in the 'burbs in the middle of the week?"

"Not much. Didn't have anything going on today, so I hopped the train. Hung with some of the guys this morning." Emmet replied.

"Did you call Mom and Dad?"

"Nah. Not today," he seemed hesitant. There was a lull. I got the impression that our meeting had a purpose, so I was leery about commencing small talk.

"Well, it's good to see you anyway. How is everything in the city?"

"Fine. Good. The same. Everything good for you?"

"Yes, I'm loving my place. I'll miss it if I move next year. I'm putting together my med school applications over the next week."

"Really? Where all are you applying?" he asked.

"Well, Mom went through the _U.S. News & World Report_ list of top medical schools with me, and she highlighted my Chicago options as well as those that were an easy drive like Madison and Milwaukee."

He laughed. "Sounds like Mom. You'd definitely make her happy if you stayed. Is that what you want?"

"I don't know. I'm open. I haven't told her, but I am applying to some places farther away."

"Oh yeah? Like where?"

"Uh. Harvard just because, you know? A couple other places like that. And then . . . I was thinking of Seattle. I loved the Pacific Northwest."

His eyes popped up from the napkin he was playing with. "Seattle? Really?" I nodded, and he laughed.

"What?!?"

"It's just . . . well . . .I'll make you a deal. If you go, I'll go."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. You know Rose lives in Seattle?" he began

In high school, Emmett also had a regular hook up, Rosalie Hale. It never surprised me that he was attracted to her; but I didn't expect her to go for his type. Turns out, she was a tom boy in super model clothes.

The term high school sweethearts didn't quite fit though. I never fully understood their relationship. It always seemed so adversarial. Rosalie was biting with everyone, and maybe they worked because Emmett either ignored her barbs or shot something back at her. They had the stupidest argument once over which one of them had the best body. Who does that? I think they finally agreed it was a tie.

". . . anyway, I think it's time I shit or get off the pot," he continued.

"About what?"

"Well, Rose for one."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know I still see her right?"

My mouth literally dropped open. "Get the Fuck out!"

"It's true. It's not as often as I'd like. Every few months usually."

"When did this start?"

"It never stopped"

I shook my head, confused. "But you dated a lot of women in college." Never for long, but still he was quite the stud.

"I'll let you in on a secret, little bro. Hold on to your hat, but I've never had sex with anyone other than Rose," he revealed.

"No fucking way!" I couldn't help it. It just wasn't possible.

"There's been plenty of fucking, plenty of ways," he chuckled. "But it's true. I really never wanted anyone else."

"What about that one girl, Ashley, I think? You guys were together for like 6 months," I was incredulous at this point.

"Nope. I mean we messed around, but I think one of the reasons I stayed with her that long is that she was saving herself for marriage, so the pressure was off. Until she decided she actually wanted to get married . . . to me. Had to end that shit quick."

"Wow. I don't know how to take this in. I really thought you two were just a hook up type thing. Why did you keep this from us? Mom would love to know you're semi-committed to someone."

"I guess that's part of the problem. I don't know. We don't have many secrets in the family, and I feel like every decision I made pisses one of them off. When I went to college, and Rose and I decided we wanted to keep in touch, I didn't need Mom down my neck about being a good boyfriend, or Dad talking to me about 'responsibility.' It could be whatever we wanted. And with 'semi-commitment' they don't lock you in a padded room and throw away the key."

"So do you love her?"

"Yeah, I do. She's just it, you know. I guess I worried a little too about how you'd feel about it all."

"Why would I care?"

"I don't know. I guess I figured you were still hung up on that chick from high school, and I didn't want to flaunt Rose in your face."

I cracked up.

"Emmett. You are you off base. There's no burning flame for Lauren. We had some good times in high school, but really it was pretty much all physical. She started dating Tyler in the last few months of senior year, probably to make me jealous. But I wasn't surprised or hurt or anything when they got married. If anything, I guess I felt sorry for her. Honestly, I was a total ass to her. A real user. I just hope Tyler is better to her than I was. She could be a bitch, but I always thought she was capable of being a much better person than she ever tried to be."

"Uh, yeah, Edward, I wasn't talking about Lauren."

This conversation was getting very odd. I never "dated" anyone but Lauren in high school.

I just looked at him waiting for some response. I threw my hands up in question.

"I meant the other one. The one with the long brown hair."

"Bella?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Come on. You were completely into her." I was having some kind of internal freak out.

"I don't understand, Emmett. What makes you think I was into Bella?"

"Well, you know you guys sat in a corner and tuned everyone else out at all the parties, right? And you spent every Sunday afternoon at her house, bro."

"How did you know that?"

"Edward, you really thought it was a secret? You parked your car in her fucking driveway!" He was nearly doubled over in laughter at this point. "Damn, for a guy so perceptive about other people, you would make a terrible spy."

I took a short breath, trying to process all of this. "Who else knew?"

"I don't know. Probably anyone who paid attention. Did Bella think it was a secret too?"

"I think so, yeah. She didn't want Lauren to cause her any grief."

Emmett literally started rocking back and forth and shaking up and down as the laughter took over.

"Dude, Lauren totally knew about you two! Shit, brother, Rose and her friend Alice and I used to play drinking games over how many death glares she would give you two in an evening."

"You've got to be kidding me. How could I not see that?"

"Just too distracted I guess"

"Lauren never mentioned a thing." I mined my memories for any indication of her jealousy, but I came up empty. How could Emmett see it, but I couldn't? Had I really paid that little attention to her all those years?

"Why would she? It was very clear who you would pick if push came to shove."

"Damn, Emmett, you've seriously just changed my whole reality inside of 5 minutes." I was seeing flashes of us in high school. A junior bonfire, where we sat on a log making fun of all the drunkards. A football game our senior year; we shared hot chocolate and sat close to keep warm. Oh my god. We did look like a couple. I don't remember feeling like a couple though.

Like scrolling through pics on the computer, my brain landed on another scene—The two of us in her room, dance practice for Prom. She was wearing her dress. I held her not as "just friends" but as a man and woman. I didn't want to focus on that image, so I closed the file. My brain felt mushy. It was too much to process all of this.

"So, was I right? Are you still hung up on her?"

"Um, no," I would have thought my response would come faster. I wasn't hung up on her, was I? "We were never anything more than friends, still are, but we don't talk much."

"You still talk to her? Really? Is she okay? 'Cause Rose said Alice is still really torn up over something that went down, and I think they wonder if she isn't off the deep end a little."

My head lifted. This was news to me. I tried to recall her mentioning a fight with Alice, but nothing came up. I thought about her demeanor. She'd been distant the last time we talked. Should I have heard more?

"I don't really know how she is." That realization was tough to take. "This is all too weird, Emmett. I can't believe you knew about Bella and never said anything. And all this time with Rosalie? I really always thought of our family as so close, so few secrets."

"Except mom and dad's porn collection of course," Emmett winked.

"Not much of a secret there," I smiled, "Can't believe they thought we'd never find something like that under the bed." The levity helped lighten the load of the conversation.

But I still felt crushed by the weight of it.

Why would Emmett think I was hung up on Bella?

I date. In fact, I went out with a perfectly lovely woman last week. The conversation mirrored all first dates. She disclosed more than I needed to hear, but revealed nothing I wanted to find.

I didn't even know what I was looking for anymore. Right now, I'm not sure I ever knew.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXx

I didn't have a master plan. I assumed I would lose interest in playing behind the scenes hero sooner rather than later. And I never intended to form a relationship with Bella. It just sort of happened. It was almost like a puzzle; once two pieces fit, it was easy figure out what came next.

Alice was obviously key to Bella's happiness at this point. When our English teacher provided us with a Shakespeare assignment handout, indicating that partners were possible, I moved rapidly. Before the bell was finished ringing, I was at Alice's desk.

"So, I don't know anyone else in the class, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to be my partner for this assignment."

"Oh, Sure. That would be good. Um, have you thought about which of the options you want to do?"

"No, I'm pretty flexible." I hadn't actually gone that far yet. I'd been so concerned about just making sure Alice and I worked together.

"Well, I'm assuming you wouldn't want to act out scenes from one of the plays, and I would love to do something other than library research. Do you know of any options for seeing a live play? That looks interesting," she said as she scanned the assignment description.

"I don't offhand, but there's got to be something in Seattle or Portland. We'd just have to get there which shouldn't pose too much of a problem. Emmett or my mom could probably take us."

We met after school and a very quick search of the web revealed that there was a Seattle Shakespeare Company, and the current production was _Hamlet_. We figured we'd get back too late if we went on a Sunday, so we decided on a Saturday matinee. In the end, my mom really wanted to do some shopping anyway, so she agreed to take us. I was explaining all of this to Alice when she suddenly got very quiet.

"What's wrong? Is there a problem?"

"No, I was just thinking . . ."

"I gathered that. About what?"

"I know someone who would absolutely love going to this play. Bella and I used to talk about making a trip like this someday when we had our license to go take in the city. It's going to be kind of sad without her." Damn, that was an easy opening.

"Why don't you invite her?" It seemed like a simple solution.

"It's kind of complicated. We haven't talked in ages, and this would really come out of the blue. Plus, I'm not sure she'd have the money."

"Well that's not a problem. I bet my mom would give up her ticket for more time on her own in Seattle."

"Really? You think I should ask her?

"Definitely."

"Oh Edward," she clapped, "I hope she says yes. I think this would be really good for her."

Alice didn't even have to tell me when Bella had agreed to go. She was beaming the next day when I saw her in the halls.

It presented me with a bit of a conundrum. Bella and I saw each other every day, but we'd never spoken. I grappled with how I wanted to deal with Bella. Saving her from a distance was much easier. As closed off as she was, I didn't really see us interacting on any meaningful level.

When she managed the courage to say that one word, my name, at the start of biology, I knew that all my confusion would have to be pushed aside. When I turned to face her with a smile, it hit me again: gingerbread, chocolate, coffee. . . . Comfort. Warm.

She didn't look pathetic this time either. She looked like someone I wanted to know.

Which is why I didn't leave her side the day we went to Seattle. I learned about her love for British romance and her dislike of science fiction. I discovered the shy girl had a voice, and it was insightful and animated. She didn't seem lost or broken or even sad.

I had to encourage Alice to consider a new angle to our project when I discovered that I hadn't seen much of the performance. I'd been watching Bella. The emotions of the classic played out on her face. Her reactions were vivid.

Bella got into my head. I wanted more of her. Mind.

Lauren got under my skin. I wanted more of her too. Body.

And so it began.

The intricate ballet of two women. One leapt, and the other plied. I lifted one, and caught the other.

Bella and I acknowledged each other daily before biology. We would smile and nod or say hello if we met up in public. Over time when Bella started coming to parties and other social events on the weekends, we would talk like all classmates do.

It was a couple of weeks after the play before I made any move to deepen our friendship. I was still cautious, not sure that I should enmesh myself in her life any further, but my curiosity was too strong.

It was a Friday, and we had a test coming up on Monday in Biology. I stopped her on the way out of class.

"Bella, I was wondering if you wanted to get together this weekend to study."

She looked at me like I had three heads.

"Sure. I could do that. When were you thinking?"

"How about sometime on Sunday? It'll be fresher that way."

"Yeah, okay. Um, you want to come over to my place? My dad's usually will probably be out watching a game somewhere. So, you could come over anytime after 1:00. Oh I guess you might be into the games too, huh?"

I already knew that, of course, but I was relieved I didn't have to invite myself.

"Actually, no. I really only follow Emmett's games, so that's perfect. If I don't see you around this weekend, I'll catch Sunday."

I spent Saturday night with Lauren. After my parents went to bed, I would sneak her in. Our garage had stairs down to the basement which had a finished rec room. No bed, but the couch was more comfortable than her Corolla.

Our hook ups were heating up. We were very close to sealing the deal, so to speak. I knew I was taking advantage of her, but she got me hotter than asphalt in July, just as sticky too. She pushed for conversation; sometimes she talked, and I feigned interest. She suggested dates, and I just ignored it. But there was still a level of intimacy between us. We understood each others' desires without speaking or directing; it was a comfortable lust.

So I have to admit, I didn't know what to think of myself when I showed up at Bella's on Sunday. It seemed a little like I was two timing one of them, but I couldn't figure out which would count as the mistress.

Studying for the test was a lame excuse, and I knew it. Neither of us needed a partner or the extra session. Not surprisingly, after less than an hour, we'd reviewed all of our notes.

"Looks like we should be fine tomorrow, huh?" Bella said with smile. "Did all that thinking make you hungry?"

"I could eat."

"How do you feel about nachos?"

The thought of jarred cheese and Tostitos wasn't appetizing, but I thought it rude to protest.

When we got to the kitchen, Bella went over to a crock pot where she had apparently been melting cheese and peppers and taco meat. She poured that over a plate of tortilla chips, pulled sour cream out of the refrigerator, handed me a coke, and said, "Dig in."

"Wow, Bella, I wasn't expected that. This looks great. Thanks."

She smiled, but we ate in silence for a while.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked hesitantly.

"Of course."

"Are you really dating Lauren Mallory?"

I took my time replying. "We see each other. It's hard to explain. Why do you ask?"

"I don't know. She doesn't seem like your type, I suppose."

"I'm not sure she is. I wouldn't label her my girlfriend, but we have fun."

"Oh," more was implied in that response.

"Oh what?"

"I just didn't peg you for a typical guy."

I rolled my eyes in response.

"I don't think she would like this very much," she said quietly waving her hand back and forth between us. "I don't do so well when she's attacking me, so I'm not sure it's such a good idea for us to be friends."

"Well, then we won't tell her." She raised her eyes at me. "Seriously, I have fun with you, and I'm not going to let Lauren impact that, so if it means we keep it to ourselves, so be it."

She tilted her head to the side, and looked up at me. "'K, I can handle that."

"So what about you? Are you seeing anyone?"

"Come on, Edward."

"I'll take that as a no. Are you interested in anyone?"

It was adorable how flustered she was got. Her cheeks flushed a light pink.

"I guess I'm just not lucky in love."

"So you have a past huh?"

"Oh yeah if you count playing seven minutes in heaven with Tyler Crowley in 8th grade a past, I definitely have one."

"How far did ole Tyler get in those 7 minutes?"

The rose of her cheeks turned crimson, but she shot back, "A lady doesn't kiss and tell."

"So there was kissing involved huh? Was it as heavenly as the title?" I laughed.

"Have you ever been licked by a St. Bernard? I'm thinking that about sums it up."

We laughed for a quite a while at poor Tyler's expense. "I guess your love life could use some work, Bella."

And I knew what my next project was.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"So, Emmett, what keeps you here now?"

"I don't know. Rose was pretty pissed off I didn't move out there after graduation, and she's been on my ass to look for someone to sublease my place. I guess it's such a leap of faith. What if I fail? What if we fail? The only thing I've ever tried to do on my own was moving out, and I thought if I could prove something to myself in that, maybe I could handle things with Rose, but I'm not doing so well on that front."

"I guess I don't really understand. Why do you have to try to be alone when you already know what you want?"

Seeing Emmett like this, contemplative and uncertain, was entirely new territory. His confidence usually dwarfed mine, which was impressive. He nodded for an instant before responding.

"Ditto."

I had to think about it. Really think. Did I know what I wanted? I always thought I knew exactly where I was headed, but this short talk with Emmett wrecked my view of the past; it followed that it would put a dent in my present and future as well.

"Touche."

**End Note: All my gratitude hmonster4 for her fabulous beta skills. Someday maybe your talent will rub off on me. You're the best!**

**Next Chapter is back to BPOV, but we should see glimpses of her feeling something other than sad.**


	7. The Dance

**A/N: I'm having too much fun, and I'm getting nothing else done! Lots more alerts this week. Keep them and the reviews coming!**

_Ch. 7: The Dance_

BPOV

Work sucks.

If the 50 year old man with a bad toupee and beer gut who proved Lite beer was definitely NOT less filling drops one more item on the floor just to watch me bend down and pick it up, I'm going to shove a fork up his nose.

If the that giggly girl, Carly, steals one more of my salads, entrées or drink orders before I get a chance to pick it up, I'm going throw my tray at her. When it's full. I'm convinced she stuffs her bra since she was never that big before we started wearing the whore uniforms. So, I'm aiming my tray at her chest—either the Kleenex will get soaked or I'll pop something strategic.

It was that bad. I was so wound up, I could snap instantly.

I guess the good news was that anger displaces depression. I'd rather be mad than sad any day.

It was the kind of night I wished I smoked. I've always been a little jealous of the 5 minute time outs the smokers take. I watch them sneak out the back, and when they return, a calm has come over them. There's no such thing as a "non-smoker's smoke break." I had to wait until my official 30 minute unpaid break which seemed like it would never come.

I didn't wear a watch, nor did I have easy access to my phone during work, so I only saw a clock when I went to the bar to pick up a drink order. I could have sworn it actually moved backwards at one point.

By the time my break finally came, I could not have been more ready. I grabbed a sweater, a salad, and a book, and I took off the picnic table that sat right outside the back door, next to the dumpster. I put the sweater down, just so I didn't sit directly on wood with pantyhose.

I opened the book to the first page, but I couldn't focus enough to take in a single word.

It was another romance. I could usually immerse myself in the fantasy. With Alice's engagement fresh on my mind, though, I was contemplating real happily ever afters.

What I said to Edward once was so true . . . I have never been lucky in love.

I didn't know what to think about my first boyfriend, Eric. He was a little geeky, but so was I. When he asked me out, I couldn't really say no. Beggars can't be choosers, right? We dated for 5 months, until we had sex, or tried to. I still don't know whether to classify that as actually losing my virginity or not.

He had some problems with . . . arousal. I had no idea most men got erections just by thinking about a girl naked. With Eric, it was hard work. On the night of the attempted sexual relations, it took like an hour before he was ready to do the deed. And the minute he was inside me, poof, the erection was gone. We tried again for a while, but then I got tired, and I think he even dozed off at some point while I was trying to assist. I didn't know much, but I assumed it wasn't supposed to be quite like that. I was both irritated and embarrassed. I really only decided to have sex with him out of curiosity. I figured 5 months was long enough to date without being considered too slutty. I thought I must be incredibly unattractive if I could get a guy like Eric excited. I mean really. He wasn't that special.

He broke up with me shortly after, and I think he tried to float a couple of rumors about me, but they never stuck, especially after the next two girls he dated were much more vocal about his "problem." I was relieved, but didn't fully remove the blame from myself until I heard through the grapevine that he was dating a guy named Chuck.

I've only been with two other guys, and I can't really say I was in love with either of them.

I had a glimpse once of what it would feel like to be with someone you adored, who made your heart soar, and caused that little blip in the center of your chest when you saw him.

But we were only friends.

XxXxXxXxXx

Every time Edward and I were together, we laughed until it hurt. He came over almost every Sunday while my dad was fishing or watching a game with friends. It became our ritual. He continued "seeing" Lauren.

I know the whole clandestine friendship thing was for my benefit—a protection of sorts against his would be girlfriend, but I have to admit, there were days when it felt cheap. Why was he okay with everyone in school knowing they were bumping uglies all weekend long, but so adamant about hiding the fact that I was his best friend? Most of the time though, I could buy into Edward's logic that what we had was simply so above the high school drama that we didn't need to let anyone in on the secret.

So, while he messed around with her, I explored my options.

Mike and I dated most of our senior year. I think everyone in Forks probably had a crush on him at some point. He was just so typically All-American cute. His style was a little outdated, but he had these great dimples that drew you away from his spiked hair. He was the kind of guy I would have considered too perfect, and therefore out of my league were it not for Edward.

Everyone seemed flawed in comparison to Edward. If I could be friends with him, I could certainly date Mike.

I was nervous about my senior prom. In the past, I'd always gone to dances in a group, and any dancing I did was more as friends. This was the real deal. Mike was taking me out to a nice restaurant in Port Angeles, and well, I'm pretty sure there was a hotel reserved for after.

After my horrible experience with Eric, I wasn't anxious to get back on that horse again. For a high school senior, Mike had been pretty patient and only whined a little when I stopped our make out sessions.

I figured his patience deserved a reward, and I was curious. Maybe if the guy didn't have an apparent erectile dysfunction, maybe I could like sex. Maybe he'd even think I was pretty.

There was a lot riding on Prom. I wanted everything to be perfect. Of course, Alice helped me pick the dress. She knew me well, so this dress wasn't sexy or high fashion. It was simple. It was me. It was darker than royal, but lighter than navy, a rich dark blue. A straight satin skirt went all the way to the floor. Nothing low cut; or attention-seeking.

It was hanging on my closet door one afternoon when Edward was over.

"So, are you excited for the big evening?" He asked.

"More nervous, I think."

"About?"

I just gave him a look that told him not to ask.

"Oh. So, big plans after huh?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "There is that, but, the dancing scares me too. I don't want to turn him off before we even leave prom."

"Bella, he's been dating you a while. I think he knows you don't dance well. I've never thought of him as Mr. Light on his Feet either."

"I know, but there are heels involved, and a pretty dress. Girls are supposed to look graceful. If I look bad, I'm afraid of what people will say." I looked down. I didn't want to admit to him that I was worried about Lauren and her cronies, but he figured it out.

"Well, do you want to practice?"

"With who?"

"Me, silly."

"You wouldn't mind? I could put my heels on, and I'll try hard not to step on you."

"I'm wearing Docs; my feet will be fine. You might as well put the dress on too. I know you want too. Plus, I won't get to see you on the big night, so I'll get the full effect."

"You're really not going, huh?" I asked as I grabbed the dress and shoes and moved toward the front door.

"I'm afraid not. I wouldn't be able to get away with asking anyone but Lauren, and I just don't want to go there."

"Ah. I'll be right back."

When I came back in the room, he was flipping through radio stations trying to find a song fit for dancing.

He looked up when he heard my door creak. I stood motionless, waiting for his assessment.

"Wow. That . . . works. You're going to knock his socks off."

"You think? I like the dress, but does it look okay on me?

And he continued to take in my dress, so I did a little turn. I tripped, of course, and I was trying to catch myself so that I didn't step on the dress and rip anything. I reached toward my dresser but before I got there, I felt myself steady with Edward's firm grip around my waist.

"I've got you," he whispered. "This could be more of a challenge than I thought"

I smiled. "Told you so." I took another calming breath.

"Are you ready now?"

"Yeah, I'll manage."

His hands were still around my waist, so I moved mine up to his shoulders. With about a couple of feet between us, he continued to look up and down from my dress to my face.

"Really Bella, you're beautiful in that dress…."

I'm not sure there are words to describe the feeling when Edward Cullen says your name and beautiful in the same sentence. I had pushed away all _those _feelings so long ago. I almost forgot they'd ever existed.

"I hope with Alice's hair and make-up magic, I can do the dress justice."

He wrinkled his nose at implied self deprecation.

"Stop it. You're enchanting as is, no pixie dust needed." I don't know why, but something in how he was looking at me or how he said it or maybe both, but I believed him.

"Thanks," I replied simply.

"This isn't right" he said, and I momentarily wondered if he was feeling the same emotional upheaval as I. Not a second later, he pulled me closer, eliminating any gap between us. "I imagine he'll hold you like this."

I searched for breath. I only found it when he turned one corner of his mouth up and looked down at me with those sparking green eyes. It was more a gasp than a breath, but it still provided oxygen.

"We should dance now," he said quietly.

"Yeah," I replied weakly.

Edward and I had spent countless hours enraptured by our conversation. In those times, we often sat nearly as close as we were at that moment. We'd touched playfully when we argued philosophically about the meaning of life. We'd shared our beliefs about heaven and hell. We'd seen each other half naked—after we jumped into the ocean fully clothed, and he came back here to throw his clothes in the dryer before he went home. All that afternoon he lounged on my bed in nothing but boxers.

But we had never been this intimate, and I had never been more scared to be with him.

I could feel my pulse in my throat, and I could hear my breath coming quicker.

We swayed, barely moving in the small space between my bed, my dresser, and the door to my room. Saying nothing. His right hand slid around my waist to rest on the small of my back. I turned my head to the side, and rested it against his chest. The rhythm of his heart echoed in my ear, loud, strong, fast, like mine. I teetered on the edge of the moment, not sure whether to jump in with both feet or just peer over the edge. But then the hand he rested on my waist gave a squeeze. It may have been involuntary, but it was enough. The decision was no longer mine. I fell into the moment. I floated through it and around it, treading lightly to avoid the inevitable. The moment had a bottom.

We stopped swaying when the song changed. I cursed the radio, not wanting to end this moment.

He broke first as I knew he would. I felt his right hand pull away from me, and I took that as a cue to let go. As I attempted to step back, he held me in place with his left hand. The right hand came up to rest on my chin.

"Look at me," he said softly.

I swallowed and took a quick breath before looking up, not sure what I would see in his eyes. What if he'd figured it out? What if my stupid heart rate and my erratic breathing gave it all away? Would this end?

When I met his gaze, I froze. We both did. We said so much and nothing at all, just staring.

Slowly, his magnificent mouth curved at one corner. I loved that smile, and this was the second time I saw it within minutes. His right hand was still resting on my chin. He lifted it, and I almost pouted in protest, but before I could his hand was on my face again. He slowly slid the back of his fingers across my cheek until he was touching my hair. I stopped breathing.

Then suddenly, the hand moved, and he popped me on the nose with his index finger and backed away.

"I think you and Mike will definitely survive dancing, Bella. And I'm pretty sure he won't be able to resist you after the dance either."

A lump formed in my throat, and my stomach turned. I knew I couldn't cry. It would be a dead giveaway. I needed something to save me from looking like a fool, so I came back with the first thing that came to mind.

"You really should ask Lauren to go." How that came out of my mouth I'll never know.

"What? Did you really just say that?"

"Yes," I breathed. "She won't go with anyone else will she?"

"I don't think so. Tyler asked her, and she told me she said 'no.'"

"Edward, I'm not all that experienced in these things, and I certainly don't harbor any sympathy for Lauren, but you're a better person than that."

"Come on, Bella. Lauren knows what she's doing with me."

"Maybe, but do you know what you're doing?" I really don't know where my courage was coming from at that point. I think I'd been holding some things back on this subject for a while. I resented Lauren for so many reasons, not the least of which was the more public nature of their liaison, but right then, I resented him too. He was getting off too easily, literally and figuratively.

"You screw her every weekend, but you can't take her out one night? She said no to Tyler because of you. It's not fair to take prom away from her. Either cut her loose, or ask her."

"Why are you suddenly supporting Lauren? Did she end her campaign to humiliate you recently and not tell me about it?"

"No, but this isn't really about her. It's about you. Think about it anyway."

Those words invited a change of subject, and I didn't bring it up again, but Lauren went to prom with Tyler Crowley. I heard they got married sometime that first year after high school.

We only talked about Lauren one other time after that, and it was the day after prom when we had this very embarrassing conversation about my sexcapades with Mike. It was incredibly awkward. He wanted me to have better sex. It was sweet in a fucked up sort of way. He even brought over porn one day to give me visuals. I blocked as much of that experience out of my memories as possible.

I would have to say that despite three lovers, sitting on a couch with Edward, watching porn for nearly an hour was the most aroused I have ever been. It was probably the combination of things: fear of getting caught, visual stimulation, memories of "The Dance Incident" (I had named that too), and a growing sense that _those_ feelings were stronger than I wanted them to be.

The cushion between us might have been the Grand Canyon or the space between eyelashes. He was that far away, yet nowhere near close enough. I could hear him, smell him, and even see him out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn't touch.

The silence between us screamed. I finally thought I would explode, and I had to end the torture.

"I think I get the picture," I squeaked.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked.

"No, I think I'll be fine. Um, thanks for the help." I had no idea what I should say next, so I went to the kitchen and made us a snack.

For me, that really was the turning point of our relationship. I imagine if you asked him, Edward would say it was the move itself that impacted our friendship. I found myself so conflicted in those last few months. I was still seeing Mike, but he wasn't seeing Lauren. We were still "just friends," though when I was with him, I felt more.

But we went back to normal, whatever that was.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

My break ended. I had mixed emotions about that. Dealing with more assholes checking out my tits while their wives surveyed the menu didn't seem like fun, but I knew more time alone would only mean more time thinking about Edward. I needed a break from that, and nothing gets your mind off unrequited love like seeing what happens to requited love 20 years down the road.

The couples don't talk, sometimes because they can't stand each other, but mostly because there's nothing left to say. They don't gaze longingly at each other across the table; instead they survey the room looking for an excuse to look anywhere but at the love of their lives.

When I watched them, I was almost grateful that Edward never felt the same for me. If this is where the love train took you, I didn't want a ticket.

So, I got through my shift without thinking about Edward. Much.

I rushed through clean up so I could catch the last bus of the night. If I had to call a cab, it would take too big a dent in the night's tips.

I was in such a rush I didn't even notice my phone's occasional beep which was my signal that I had a message until I was sitting on the nearly empty bus. I pulled my phone out, and saw that I had 3 missed calls and 1 new voice mail.

I didn't recognize the number, but the area code was from home. Odd.

I figured the message must be from the same number, so I checked it first.

"Hello Bella, This is Ben Cheney. I'm on the force with your dad. I hate to do this over the phone, but I can't seem to get a hold of you. There was an altercation tonight, and your dad was shot. He's in the hospital, and it would be wise for you to make arrangements to get here. Please call me back when you get this message, no matter what time it is . . ."

The message went on to provide a number and to offer another apology for the method of delivery. I didn't really hear it.

I sat in silent panic for the whole ride home. I didn't want to call from the bus, but the lack of information was unbearable. Which hospital? That would tell me so much about the severity of the situation. Obviously it was bad if he wanted me there soon. I simply couldn't lose my dad. I thought back to our conversation earlier in the day. I hadn't even said, "I love you," at the end of it.

Oh my god. I didn't say anything, not even "Love ya." I was worse than Renee.

I jumped off the bus and was hitting the buttons to get through to Ben before I was even at the door to my building.

"Officer Cheney," he answered.

"Yes, this is Bella Swan."

"Bella, thank goodness you called. I work with your dad; I was with him tonight. I don't know if you remember me, but . . ."

"Ben, I need more information," I cut him off.

"Sure, he's in ICU right now. They had to perform surgery. I don't know all the details, but things are touch and go."

"What happened?"

"A domestic dispute. He got caught in the crossfire. I'm very sorry, Bella. Do you think you can get here soon?"

"I just got the message a minute ago. I'm getting ready to search flights right now. Where is he?"

"Port Angeles. Listen, call me when you have plans. We can get someone to pick you up. Do you know my wife, Angela used to be Weber?" Anyway, she said she'd even come to Seattle if needed.

I was still calm at this point. No tears. No screaming. No rushed voice. I ended the conversation by indicating my gratitude for his help. During the last few seconds, I'd been pulling up flight information, and that's when everything started to hit me.

I just paid rent. I had no money other than what I made in tips tonight. I don't even have a credit card. I know I'm a complete idiot since I pass people every day on campus offering me a free t-shirt or duffle bag in exchange for a line of credit. Charlie always made my travel plans, so I never needed the damn thing. I couldn't very well call Ben back and tell him to read me Charlie's credit card over the phone. It wouldn't make sense.

The only thing keeping me sane was that he was in Port Angeles. It was clearly serious enough that they took him to a bigger hospital than the one in Forks, but still . . . if they kept him there for surgery and didn't med flight him further, that had to be a hopeful sign.

If I took a flight with a stop at LAX, I could get a ticket for around $350, and then I'd grab another plane to Port Angeles for $86. I could get by a little cheaper if I wanted to leave later, but I wanted the first thing out I could get. That price didn't seem so bad, better than the nonstop flight, which was closer to $600. The problem remained that I simply didn't have it.

It only took me one minute of cursing myself further for being so helpless before I picked up my phone and made the only call I could.

He answered on the first ring.

"Bella, it's so good to hear from you. I've been thinking of you all day!"

"Edward, I need you," I said weakly. And then the tears came.

**E/N: As usual all gratitude to hmonster4 for her fabulous beta skills, but a special thanks this week for the wonderful _What You Thought You Knew_ chapter. My husband will thank you later.**

**A little special note to my ChiWi ladies! Thanks for the encouragement!**


	8. Let's Talk About Sex

**AN: No claims on the characters, but I will claim my lack of preparation for work tomorrow. **

**Thank you for continuing to read. I appreciate the reviews. Lots of people put the story on alert after the last chapter. Heaping gratitude! Now, if a few more of you want to add a review, I sure wouldn't mind. **

_Chapter 8: Let's Talk About Sex_

EPOV

She needed me. And I felt helpless as I listened to her sob.

Once she calmed down enough to tell me what happened to Charlie and what she needed, I rattled off my credit card info without hesitation. I think I convinced her to go for the nonstop flight. I told her she could take as much time as she needed to pay me back, although I didn't care if she ever did.

She made all the arrangements while still on the phone with me.

"Oh shit, Edward. I just looked at the clock, and I realized how late it is for you. I wasn't thinking at all."

"It's okay, Bella. I wasn't sleeping anyway. I just wish I could actually be there with you right now. I'm so sorry you're all alone there."

"Me too," she sighed quietly. I didn't know if that was the time to inquire into anything more. Emmett's revelations about her and Alice had me concerned. He had me confused about my feelings for her too. When I saw her name on my cell phone display, I overjoyed. Hearing her voice, so broken, brought up all of my protective inclinations toward her.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" I asked gently. It was quiet on the other end for a long time.

"I don't know . . . maybe . . . I should really pack, but do you think you could stay on the line with me? I don't want to be alone." She was on the verge of tears again. I heard the statement loud and clear. It wasn't about just about tonight. She was lonely.

"Of course, Bella. I really think Charlie will be okay. He's the toughest man I know."

I could hear her moving around the room, presumably gathering items to pack.

"Yeah, he is. I just talked to him today, but damn it Edward, he can't die. He just can't. I have been a terrible daughter since . . . well . . . since I moved. I've been so caught up in all of my own stupid issues that I haven't even stopped to think about him. I have to get a chance to tell him how sorry I am, and how much I love him." Once she got that out, I could tell the tears were coming.

"I'm sure he knows, Bella," I assured her. "So, you've been having a hard time all around, huh? Anything I can do?"

There was a long pause while she calmed herself.

"It hasn't been good. And today was quite literally the worst day of my life. I'm barely hanging on."

She opened up about her depression, her issues with Alice, and her overwhelming sense of failure.

As she talked, I clicked. I had a test in the morning, so I couldn't get there until tomorrow evening, but there was no way I wasn't going to be there for her. From the moment I met her, my instincts told me this girl needed saving. A guttural call to make everything better for her. That was what I did. I had to try again.

Maybe that's what Emmett was interpreting as something else. My need to protect her might look like something more than friendship.

This was different. In the past, I fixed things around her. I altered other peoples' actions. I was going in solo this time. Just me. And whatever it was I felt for her.

XxXxXxXxXxX

I wasn't entirely sure she would be up for company the Sunday after prom, but it was tradition. I admit I was feeling a little sorry for myself as well. I followed Bella's advice and told Lauren she should go to prom with Tyler.

She took it as it was intended, a break up of sorts. Until the moment Bella pointed it out, I'd never felt dirty or ashamed of what I did with Lauren. I enjoyed it too much to allow guilt. My idealized vision was tainted. Our once torrid trysts now sullied. The damn spot would not come out.

I spent prom night alone, while everyone I knew was dancing, drinking, and doing the deed. I snuck a few shots of my dad's gin here and there to try to block out my self pity or maybe to immerse myself in it.

I could have asked Lauren. It would have served the purpose of assuaging my newfound remorse for using her. I came close. The last time we got together, it could have gone either way. We lay in the afterglow of whatever it was you want to call what we did. My mind dressed the naked woman next to me in a formal gown, red of course. I envisioned us walking in and being introduced. It wasn't bad.

Until I saw Bella on Mike's arm in that fucking blue dress. And I thought about what that night was to them—one long drawn out foreplay session. I didn't want to watch.

Bella didn't seem surprised to see me after prom; she was making me a sandwich when I arrived. She continued preparations while I sat at the kitchen table in anticipation.

"So, how was it?" I tried to keep my tone neutral. I decided to let her draw conclusions regarding whatever "it" was.

"It was nice. I didn't fall or step on his feet once the whole night. And he got us a room in Port Angeles. Well, his older brother had us checked in and everything." She said it like it was no big deal, but she wouldn't make eye contact with me.

"I figured." I waited to see what she would say next. She didn't say anything actually. I wouldn't exactly call the pause awkward, but I felt the need to fill it. "So, did you do it?"

She paused again. And when she spoke, it came out as a sigh and almost a grumble at the same time. "Yeah." She looked up now. Her eyes showed hesitation, but there was no finality in her tone. I decided that meant I was free to press.

"And . . . how was it?" Please let her light up and tell me it was amazing. Let her describe her mind blowing sexual adventure. I'll be damned if this girl didn't deserve good sex. Her first partner simply didn't count. The shithead had trouble getting it up and keeping it up. He liked to make the girl think it was her fault, and Bella still wasn't convinced she didn't have something to do with his problem. I nearly crossed my fingers, but decided that it was just a little too juvenile for me.

"Umm . . . it was . . . good . . . I guess . . . better?" Damn! I should have crossed my fingers. Was she actually asking me if it was good? How the hell do I answer that?

"That's a start. How was it better? Did you . . . you know . . . ah . . . have a good time?" As she realized the meaning of my question, I watched her eyes grow wide with embarrassment and then quickly look down again.

"I don't think so." What the fuck? She doesn't think so? What kind of craptastic fuck is Mike Newton?

"Bella, if you don't think so, then you probably didn't. I'm sorry." I'm sorry. Was that the right thing to say upon finding out that your friend didn't come during sex? We were most definitely in unchartered territory. "Did he try? Did he use his hands?" Her head snapped back up in shock.

"Edward, I don't know if I can handle this conversation with you." And her head went back down again. Okay, easy now. Should I give up? I'm not sure that's the best thing here. Knowing Bella, she's thinking she's the one incapable of good sex, and her entire self esteem is going to take a massive hit if I let it go.

"I know it's weird. Believe me. But Bella, who else have you got? As far as I know, Alice has less experience than you; you're mom's not around; and I'm pretty sure Charlie would have a coronary before you finished the first syllable of orgasm. I really think you need to talk about it." There that should pass right? I think that's the kind of thing women might say to each other. There was another long pause as she processed what I'd said. I opted not to push this time. I picked at a thread on my jacket instead. She was quiet when she finally spoke.

"Maybe. But can you go first? I don't really know how to talk about this."

"Go first? What do you mean? You want me to talk about sex first? What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. I just can't get into details yet, but I think I can listen to you. How about . . . ah . . . who's been the best?"

"Really?" She nodded meekly. Okay, I think I can do this. It's a strange place to start, but if it makes her feel more comfortable . . . "Well, you make it sound like I have a long list from which to choose. You know I've only been with 3 people." She was actually the only one who knew about the third—an absolutely idiotic one night stand I had when I went to visit Emmett in Chicago. She rolled her eyes and smiled. "Anyway, I guess it depends. If you mean great sex as in the act itself, then there's no question. It's Lauren."

"What makes it so good?"

"Hmmm, I guess a big part of it is that she knows what she wants, and she's not afraid to tell me. Sex just isn't stressful with her as I don't have to figure out what she wants, and I don't have to feel awkward about telling her what I'd like." Interesting. I'm not sure I'd even realized what the appeal was until that moment.

"But you didn't love her," she stated. No question implied. She already knew the answer.

"Hell Bella, you know I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her unless we were naked. I definitely didn't love her."

"But the sex was still good."

"No question. I would not have hooked up with her all that time if it weren't worth it."

"I see." She paused again. Clearly thinking of how to proceed. "You said earlier, 'It depends' and you clarified that you were talking about the act itself. What did you mean there? What else are you referring to?"

"I guess the emotional element. I think it can make a difference." I found myself a little guarded at this point. I wasn't sure I wanted to go where this was headed.

"So you have had sex that was more emotional?" She asked it with genuine curiosity. This was probably the one subject we'd never really broached.

"Yeah. My first time. Before I moved here." I wonder if she'd let me stop there.

"You loved her then?" She didn't stop at all.

"God, Bella, I haven't thought about this in ages. I guess as much as any 15 year old can really be in love, we were. We dated for almost a year. For six months it was mostly just stupid ass group dates. Then for six months we were a couple. A couple of 15 year olds doing teenage shit. Making out every weekend, copping a feel, hoping for 3rd base.

Then when I found out we were going to move here, she told me she wanted me to be her first. This is going to sound so stupid, but I was fucking scared. I really didn't know if I was ready. How pathetic am I? But I really liked her, and I didn't want to just screw her and go.

So, I told her I'd come back and visit. We'd keep the relationship alive, and I'd still be her first, just down the road. She didn't buy it, and she called me out. She said it was bullshit. That I'd move away, and maybe I'd call once in a while, but eventually we'd lose contact. She wanted me to be her first because she said I'd be good to her.

She knew it was the beginning of the end, but said "This is the way to remember each other forever."

"Who was I to say no to that?"

"Edward, you know my first experience sucked. Was yours good?"

I laughed, "It was awkward as hell. I think first times generally are. Neither of us knew what we were doing, and I came in like a second. Oh god, I felt good though. So new. We did it again before I left, and it was better; at least I lasted longer. I wouldn't call it good sex, but my memories of it are nice."

We were both quiet for a minute. A part of me felt bad. Here I was describing a sweet first experience and a great fuck, and she'd had two miserable excuses for sexual partners. It didn't seem fair, and I had to swing this back to her before she started take it anymore personally, but she was faster.

"Which is better? Emotional or physical?"

"I'm not sure. I'm kind of guessing it must be something else if you have them together."

She was thinking, and I had a feeling I knew what was coming. "Then, why did you stay with Lauren so long? Why not aim for something better?"

"I'm a pig? A commitment-phobe? I don't know, Bella, but I'm guessing that's what you're thinking. It's simple and it's not. The sex is gratifying. And I don't really want to sleep around. Fucking around with one person is a heck of a lot easier than playing the field. No guarantees I'd get either the physical or the emotional that way."

"I'll give you that." She said with a smile.

"Okay, I went first. I believe I asked you if he used his hands." I wasn't sure she'd actually answer this time, but I figured it was worth a shot.

"A little. Before. You know? It felt good, but it was kind of like he was testing the waters so to speak." Wow. I didn't actually expect her to be this honest.

"Did he go down on you?" It seemed like a logical follow up, but she looked horrified.

"Oh God NO! I couldn't even imagine!" I wasn't sure what she meant there, but she was being honest right?

"Did you go down on him?" I swear she looked like she was going to explode.

"NO! " She was shaking her head, and she looked a little conflicted. "I just . . .that never really seemed . . .like fun."

"So you have done it before?"

"Yes, you know Eric's problem. I think I tried everything. I must not have been very good at it, and I was a little afraid that I would seem like an idiot." I resisted my urge to tell her to shut the fuck up, and went for something more supportive instead.

"Bella, Eric's problem is just that. His. Not Yours. Oral can be absolutely mind blowing so I hope you don't write off entirely because of him. Anyway, have you had an orgasm before?" A long pause followed.

"Not with a guy?" Another question. We're talking about oral sex, and masturbation is going to cause her to go all shy again.

"But you have had one, and you know what it takes?"

"It's not something I do often, but yes, I have. But isn't it supposed to be different. I mean during the act. I didn't feel anything close. No real heat. No waves. Nothing. What's wrong with me? I just don't see what the fuss is all about."

"Let me think about how to ask this. When he used his hands, was it inside or out?" She looked at me like I had three heads. Euphemisms weren't going to work. "Clitoral Stimulation?"

"Oh, no, but is it always required?" she was intrigued now, as if she were a student in my human sexuality course. I wasn't sure I wanted to be a Professor of Sex.

"No, not always, but it's pretty typical."

"Edward, I can't believe how stupid you must think I am, but how does that work? Like during the act itself?

"He could make it happen for you before you get to penetration. You know. Or one of you could use a hand during."

"You mean do it myself? Wouldn't that seem a little . . . I don't know. Forward?"

"No, I think most guys would be cool with it. If not, he probably isn't worth it."

"Maybe I just don't get this whole sex thing." She looked absolutely deflated. This conversation didn't quite cut it. It was a subject most people learned best by tactile means, but since I certainly couldn't offer that, I decided to try a visual aid.

So the next Sunday, I raided the box under my parent's bed. There is no instruction manual on choosing the right porn to watch with your best friend. I had fairly strict criteria though: first, it couldn't be that pseudo feminist shit that didn't really show anything. Bella needed to see. Graphically. Second, it couldn't be too freaky. She wasn't ready for S&M, anal, or incest or anything like that. I always avoided that stuff anyway. Didn't want to imagine why Mom and Dad had that kinky shit under their bed anyway. Finally, I wanted the people involved to be reasonably attractive. I thought we'd end up laughing too much, or it would make Bella too uncomfortable watching the Ron Jeremy type pummel a pussy. Hell that gave me the shivers.

"Bella, I brought something for you to watch. I thought it might help you see what I meant last week."

She shook her head slightly and narrowed her eyes in confusion.

"It's porn." I said simply.

"Oh." Her eyes went to her feet. "You think I need porn?"

"I don't think anyone NEEDS porn, though Emmett would disagree vehemently," I said forcefully. She smiled in response. "For the record, I don't think the problem is you at all. I just thought you might get something from it."

"I'm afraid. I think I'll freak out or something."

"You want to watch together? I could . . .ah . . . answer questions."

She nodded lightly. I set things up, and sat down on the other end of the couch from her. Now, I was nervous. I knew this could be nothing but awkward.

At first, I tried to be very clinical. I explained some things about the porn genre in general, and then I directed her to some things about achieving maximum pleasure that were realistic. After a few minutes she cut me off.

"Hey, can you shut up now? Can we just watch for a while?"

I was relieved at first not to talk about it, but a new problem arose, literally. Once I wasn't concentrating on the porn as an instructional DVD, I enjoyed the show a little too much. I was trying to keep tabs on Bella though, to get a sense of how she was reacting. She sat with her hands on her lap, looking straight ahead the whole time. It was very church ladylike. I wanted to laugh, but that would definitely not do.

The only indication she gave off that she was affected was in her face. Her lips were parted slightly as if waiting for something happen to her mouth. And her lids were heavy. If she were my girlfriend, and I saw that face, I would consider it an invitation.

It was such a strange experience. I never thought of her as a girl I'd want to be with in that way, but this wasn't like watching porn with just any buddy. My body knew this was a woman.

She jumped up after a while.

"I think I get the picture."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I really hoped she'd say, 'no' at this point.

"No, I think I'll be fine. Um, thanks for the help."

And she did what Bella always did; she cooked for me. The kitchen seemed hotter than usual.

I have no idea if my lesson did any good, as she pretty much clammed up about her sex life after that. I wondered if I should have taken the porn to Mike instead.

XxXxXxXxX

Bella started to doze off around 3, so we hung up. The plan was for me to meet her at the hospital, but I told her I'd call when I was in town to verify where she was.

At first she was mad that I paid for her ticket and made plans to come out there, but she got over it, and I sensed some relief.

She was broken, and I needed to fix her. That instinct was just as strong as it always had been.

I resented my morning class, and the ridiculous test, but the rush of the day made time go by quickly. The slow torture didn't come until I got on the plane. With nothing to do, but sort through my muddled emotions, the hours dragged.

By the time I pulled into the Port Angeles parking lot, I had persuaded myself that Emmett was an idiot. He may have known about my friendship with Bella, but he was projecting something more onto it for some reason—maybe his own situation with Rosalie.

I realized there were a few occasions in our history where it might appear we were more than friends, but that was probably typical of any male/female friendship.

When I called Bella to give her my ETA, she told me visiting hours were almost over in the ICU. She said she'd wait for me near the main entrance.

Knowing she was inside, by herself, aching for her father, I jumped out of the car and slammed the door.

As I swiftly made my way to the hospital doors, it occurred to me that I didn't know who I was looking for anymore. I hadn't seen Bella in years. The image I had could be very outdated. I replaced her long chestnut hair with various styles like one of those image consultant programs where you insert your face on various hair styles. A girl I dated once brought me three styles, and told me to pick one.

I didn't like what I saw. Nothing fit like the style I knew.

Relief embraced me when I saw her sitting on a bench just inside the doors. She was looking at her feet, and fidgeting with the zipper on her jacket. Her hair matched my memory.

She must have heard the doors slide open because she looked up as soon as I walked through.

The instant I saw her I was transported back to the first day of our sophomore year of high school, the day we met.

Brown mess. Absolutely pathetic. Wet eyes. Gingerbread. Chocolate. Coffee.

Carry her away to soft meadows.

She was still the same broken little girl, my Bella.

That was all I could see. All I wanted to see. Because if I saw the grown up woman sitting on that bench, I would have to admit to feeling something more.

**E/N: Can't ever thank HMonster4 enough for her beta work. You make me sappier!**


	9. More Than Friends

**A/N: Can't claim a single character but I will claim to love reviews. Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added my little story to your favorite or alert list! I really appreciate it. Keep those reviews coming! **

Chapter 9: _More than friends_

BPOV

I only caught a few hours of sleep before the shuttle to Skyharbor arrived. When I called Ben back in the morning with all of my flight information, he offered to drive me from the Port Angeles airport to the hospital. I planned to ride back to my dad's place in Forks with Edward.

He didn't tell me he bought the ticket until it was too late to do anything about it, so as much as it added to my guilt, at this point, all I had was gratitude.

By the time I was sitting in Ben's cruiser, I was hungry, tired, and trying very hard not to think about how much I owed Edward.

When we pulled into the hospital parking lot, none of that mattered. My singular focus was on my dad.

He remained unconscious all day, but the doctors and nurses assured me there was no reason not to be hopeful at this point. He was stable; the surgery went well.

So, I sat in the chair next to him, and I just talked. I told him everything. About Phoenix and my mom, my problems with Alice, my stupid job, my crappy studio, my depression, and my relationship with Edward. I left out some of the details about my feelings there because that would make it too real.

None of this was a whine or a complete; I just filled him in on everything I'd kept from him.

Most importantly, I told him I loved him and that I was sorry. I said it over and over. I knew he couldn't hear me consciously, but I hoped it gave his subconscious solace.

I didn't cry. Not because I was all out of tears. But because my dad deserved a strong daughter, and wherever he was, he didn't need to listen to me blubber.

At the end of the day, as the dusk settled outside, my own darkness was lifting. Slowly.

Once the ICU kicked me out, I waited in the lobby for Edward to pick me up. Despite the circumstances, I was looking forward to seeing him. His calm assurance last night was exactly what I needed. I had forgotten how well he could read my needs.

I was studying my shoes, noticing a flaw in the design, when I heard the doors slide open. As if connected by a physical frequency, I knew it was him.

When I raised my head to see him, my whole body anticipated the vision.

And there he was. Still God-like, of course, but he was different. Edward was always gorgeous, but it was an easy good looking. Too good really. You could almost resent him for it. In the years since high school, experience gave him some imperfections, which only served to make him more appealing in a way.

It felt like forever that we faced each other, reading the novel of each others' last three years as they were written on our faces.

Eventually, he opened his arms, and I stood up and walked straight into them. I knew I could let go, so the tears came again. They weren't as forceful now; they just trickled down.

"How's Charlie, Bella?"

"He's stable. It's still touch and go right now, but they think things are looking up."

He just held me for a few minutes, while the tears dried up. He stroked my hair, and whispered, "It's alright," in my ear. It wasn't, of course, but I knew what he meant.

Once I was calm again, we made our way to his rental.

"Do you mind if we swing by my hotel to check in first?"

"Sure. Have you eaten? I don't have a clue what Charlie has at the house." I had to admit, it was good to get out of the hospital. At first I'd protested when they told me I couldn't stay the night, but I needed this distraction.

"Why don't we just order a pizza? If you want, I can pick up some groceries for you tomorrow while you're at the hospital. What time can you come back?"

"10:00, but they said they would call if there were any changes, or if the doctors wanted to talk to me sooner." I knew if I got called in, it wouldn't be good news, so I had my sights set on the former.

"Have you thought about how long you'll stay?" he asked.

"No, I haven't gotten that far yet. I haven't even contacted my professors yet. All I had a chance to do was call work, and they weren't happy. I don't know how to deal with all of that, and I can't really until I know more." It wasn't entirely true as I spent much of the plane ride trying to figure out what I would do if I lost my job, or if I had to be here indefinitely, but I didn't have any more answers now than I did then.

"I understand," he said simply. I loved that he didn't try to offer advice or come up with a plan to fix everything. Ultimately, while my dad lay in an unconscious limbo, my own life remained in the same intermediate state.

"Thanks for coming, Edward."

He reached over, and squeezed my hand.

By the time we got to the house, I was famished. We attacked the pizza when it arrived, so conversation stalled.

After we cleaned up, Edward asked if I were ready to sleep, or whether I'd like some company. I was beyond exhausted, but I hadn't had a real conversation with anyone in ages, and this was Edward.

"I'd appreciate it if you'd stay awhile, unless you're too tired."

He sat down on the couch, and patted at the spot next to him. "Come and relax," he said.

His left arm was resting on the back of the couch, and he brought it down around my shoulders when I sat down next to him.

Our exchange was as comfortable as ever. He told me about his classes and his apartment, and every once in a while, he would ask me a question about Charlie, indicating that he remembered his purpose for being here. It was easy. It was home.

"This feels nice. It really has been just a miserable week. Oh who am I kidding, I've been miserable since I left. Yesterday was just the shit on top of crap though."

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I wish I had known."

"It's not your fault. I've been shutting everyone out."

"I heard something about that."

"Really? Where?" I couldn't fathom who knew anything about me.

"Believe it or not, Emmett. I had lunch with him yesterday, and it was strange."

"Emmett?"

"Yeah, did you know he still sees Rosalie?" I tried to remember anything Alice might have said to clue me in.

"No, I had no idea."

"I didn't either. Apparently, they get together relatively often. I still can't believe he never told me. He's thinking about moving to Seattle."

"You're kidding? It's that serious?" I never would have guessed they were that close.

"I guess so," he shrugged. "Anyway, he mentioned that you and Alice weren't talking anymore. I guess she's been worried about you." He got fairly quiet on that last line.

"Yeah, it wasn't pretty, Edward. I was a real bitch. I said some things I really shouldn't have. But I can't mend that fence right now. I'd rather not talk about it just yet." A thought hit me. "Why did he think to talk with you about it?"

"Ah that's part of the strangeness. As it turns out our friendship wasn't a secret at all."

"What?"

"Yeah, they all knew."

"Who's all?

"Everyone. Alice, Rose, and Emmett. And I guess Lauren knew."

"Damn. That's unbelievable! We thought we were so sneaky!"

"I know. I was totally floored. You should have seen Emmet. He practically stopped breathing from his hysterics. He couldn't believe we thought no one knew."

We laughed for a while imagining what we must have looked like to everyone else and pondering whether Mike knew. We decided there was no way he was perceptive enough to figure it out.

"I wonder why no one said anything." I only inferred who I meant by that, but he caught it.

"I was surprised too, but Emmett thought Lauren knew I would pick your friendship over her, so she kept her mouth shut."

Then, we were quiet for a while. I felt like it was time to be honest as long the secret can had already been opened.

"Would you have?" I was almost afraid to ask.

"Don't be silly, Bella." He brushed me off like it was nothing.

"Is it so silly? Even though we failed miserably, the whole secret thing kind of sucked ass. I hated playing second fiddle to Lauren."

"What would make you think that?"

"I thought maybe you were ashamed of our friendship."

"Really? You really felt like that?" He seemed incredulous at this point. "That's terrible."

"Well, yeah. You had no problems with everyone knowing you were screwing her all weekend, but it seems like I wasn't good enough for people to know we hung out."

"But Bella, we were in public together a lot, and I thought we agreed. We liked our privacy."

"In the beginning it made sense, but after a while, I resented the hell out of it."

"I'm sorry. It really shouldn't have been that way. I just wanted you to be happy, and I thought if we kept Lauren out, it would be easier. I don't know. I guess it was stupid. But, you should have said something."

"I don't know that I quite understood it all myself back then."

"_That_ I understand. I've been struggling with a lot of feelings from that time." he said softly.

"Me too," I admitted.

"Emmett said something else that kind of threw me for a loop." He was quiet again for a second, so I just waited.

"He said he thinks I'm hung up on you."

"Hung up how?" I pressed.

"Like more than friendship hung up." He couldn't make eye contact with me then. My own thoughts were spinning in circles. Were we really going there? I was so afraid I would have to admit things that could completely destroy our friendship.

"I see. What . . . um . . . did you say to that?"

"I told him we were just friends, but the more I remember, the less certain I am about that." I didn't respond. I couldn't. "Did you ever think about us like that?"

Oh my God. I didn't know how in the hell to answer that. Of course I had. He was too gorgeous not to. I spent months in the first part of our friendship staring at his lips, hoping he'd kiss me someday. But I shut those hopes and desires in a box and hid them in the back of my closet.

Until that dance. And the day after prom. When he'd asked me about orgasms, I fantasized for weeks about having someone touch me in the right way, put their tongue on the right spot, and I'll be damned if the star of my fantasies didn't have bronze hair. So, how to answer that question? This was the first time I'd seen him in three years, and there was a good chance our friendship would wane again once I headed home. I opted for honesty.

"Yes," I answered, and then I hesitated. "Do you remember that day you help me practice dancing for the prom?"

"I do."

"I came this close to kissing you that day," I said while holding my fingers close together.

"Me too," he revealed. I'd always wondered. I didn't let him continue though.

"And then after the prom . . . well you know . . ." It was on this couch. The memory brought me back to reality. I didn't expect this conversation tonight. The occasion that brought us back to this couch was not a happy one. How could I be thinking about my feelings for Edward when my dad was teetering on death? I started feeling guilty, so I decided not to say anything else about the porn day.

And we sat in silence for a while, balanced on the edge of past, present, and future. I don't know whether he jumped or fell, but he went first.

"Lately, I've been thinking I made a mistake. I should have just shown you myself what the fuss was all about."

My head popped to look in his eyes. It had to be a joke. But he wasn't laughing, or winking, or even smiling. He was just sitting there with his face turned toward his lap.

"Edward." But I didn't have anything to follow it up. I had no idea how to ask him if he really meant he wished he'd shown me a good time so to speak. Heaven knows he could have. If anyone could have, it would have been him. He seemed to understand women's needs very well. But there was no way he meant that.

"Bella, I don't have a name for how I feel right now exactly. All I know is that from the moment Emmett mentioned it, even though I resisted, the idea seemed comfortable. And seeing you tonight, sitting here with you, it feels like something more than it ever did before."

It wasn't exactly the declaration I'd dreamed of, but it was nice.

"I know my timing is bad, but would you let me show you now?" he whispered in my ear. He'd begun tracing my other ear with one finger. He kissed the side of my head and waited. "Would you like to feel good for a change, Bella?"

The angel and the devil sitting on opposite shoulders bickered back and forth. The devil wanted this. Needed this. Instinctively knew that it would be better than anything I'd ever experienced. The angel wanted it to be real, to mean something. The angel said it would ruin the friendship and leave me heartbroken. And it was absolutely not the right time. Maybe he was just confused, and his brother had prompted an itch he needed to scratch. I was sure the angel was right.

But I sided with the devil anyway.

The devil helped me push aside my hesitation and shut out my guilt regarding Charlie.

I nodded without even facing him.

"Look at me, Bella," he begged.

When I turned to face him, the devil gloated, and even the angel smiled. He melted my doubt.

He leaned in with a tiny, shy kiss. I'd waited over six years to feel his lips on mine, and it was definitely not enough.

So, I kissed him back. Hard. Soft. Fast. Slow. Sweet. Passionate. I wanted to experience him every way humanly possible. He responded in kind. Never missing a beat.

His hands began a slow wander, starting at the top. He entwined his fingers in my hair and began caressing my scalp. His light touch set me on fire. After so many years, I took that as my cue to do what I'd wanted to do the first day I laid eyes on him, and reciprocated. Though my body was telling me to move forward, we stayed like that for a while just kissing and caressing. I wondered if either of us would make the first move.

Eventually, my devil won out. Before I knew what I was doing, I swiftly moved my hands down, and slid them up under his shirt. One of us gasped. Maybe both. My fingers explored his bare skin, until he backed away. I was about to protest, but then I realized he was removing his shirt.

I thought maybe I should do the same, so I began to fumble with the buttons. He stopped me. "Allow me?" he asked softly. I could only nod.

He was more efficient. Seconds later we sat facing each other, both shirtless. He looked into my eyes for a moment, seeking reassurance, I think. Then he unhooked my bra, and let it fall off my shoulders. I felt exposed. I had a flash of regret. I wanted to call the whole thing off and cover up. What was I thinking? Then he whispered, "You're perfect," and put a gentle hand to my breasts. The feeling was nice, good, better than I was used to, but I had a feeling he was still holding back.

"Let go." I breathed into his ear.

He dropped his hands away from breasts instantaneously. "No, not that" I said, smiling. "I mean let go. You wanted to show me. Show me. Don't hold back on me Edward."

"Really?"

"Let go," I pleaded this time. I couldn't tell exactly which of us was really in control of the situation.

And suddenly, his hands were everywhere at the same time; his tongue darted and licked and traced. He moved his mouth to my left nipple, and he began a slow suck and a tongue tickle. With no warning, his right hand had undone my jeans, and his fingers slid under my panties. His middle finger grazed _right there_, and I moaned; he played for a minute or two with the tickling and the teasing, dipping his fingers inside me. He sighed when he realized how excited I was. I don't know what I was doing. For all I know I was just laying there, letting him work. So, it must have been the devil who found the zipper to his pants and made quick work of it. I'm sure it was the devil who said, "Lift up," so she could slide the jeans down for better access, taking his underwear with them, so that he was left gloriously naked. I grabbed him and began stroking, gently at first.

A sound like "uh" but longer and deeper came from him, and then he caught himself, and he assaulted my senses. His fingers hit the magic spot with quick motions; his tongue echoed the same rapid fire movement on my right nipple, while is left hand pinched the other. And he continued like that, his tongue on my breast mirroring the flicking and circling going on down below.

Oh. My. God. I saw flashes of white. My hips writhed in response. The devil screamed. "Fuck me!"

I could feel a chuckle from him, but he didn't stop any of his ministrations. I couldn't stroke him anymore. I had already left the beach; I was paddling out to sea. I caught the wave; I hung 10; I crashed to shore laughing, crying, and feeling victorious.

I didn't let him rest a second; I pushed him back on the couch and inched myself down, taking him in my mouth. I remembered him telling me that when it felt right, it was something I would want to do. He was so right. I wanted to taste all of him. It was as if 5 senses simply weren't enough. I couldn't take enough of him in.

I did things with my teeth and my hands that had never occurred to me before. It must have been okay because he cried out between labored breaths, "I'm going . . . to lose . . . control . . . too soon."

I stood up then, and pulled my pants down, standing in front of him, naked. "Bella," he breathed, and I moved forward to straddle him while he sat on the couch.

I felt in control of the situation, which was odd because in my fantasies, it had always been he who called the shots. Maybe this was part of the deal. When it's right, you just know what to do. I would never forget the moment I learned I could be sexy.

I hovered over him, savoring the moment, drawing courage.

He reached up, and pushed a few loose strands behind my ear. "Are you sure?"

And with that, I took him in. We moaned simultaneously. There was never an awkward rhythm like with others. We found our groove from the beginning. We changed pace at the same time; we found a shared urgency. Then suddenly, we'd back off not wanting it to be over too soon.

I knew he was close; his control was slipping. My own restraint disappeared the minute I felt his body stiffen below me.

As he climaxed, I said it.

"I've always loved you, Edward."

He didn't say anything, but he hugged me, and he didn't run screaming from the room. I stayed on top of him until it became necessary to adjust. Then he spooned me on the couch, running his fingers up and down my arm.

My angel wanted more though. She turned me face to face with him.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," he said back.

"Thank you. I didn't know how much I needed that."

He chuckled a little, "I'm glad I could help. It was quite a sacrifice, you know."

We stared at each other for a while. The angel had more to say, so I bit my lip and looked away before I said, "It worked, you know."

He raised his eyebrows in question.

"The fuss? I get it."

He leaned in and kissed me again. "Me too."

I could have fallen asleep like that. I wish I had.

**E/N: Big love to my partner in sap, hmonster4! If you haven't read _Breakfast at Tiffany's,_ our V-day contest one shot, check it out for a good dose of romance.**

**This is my first attempt at anything lemony, and I've been horribly nervous, so go easy on me.**

**And we are not at HEA yet, so do expect more conflict for our tortured pair.**


	10. Friends in Low Places

**AN: I keep thinking the updates are going to slow down, but this one came together fairly quickly. A special thank you to PurdueLiz who gave me a kind shout out in her update of _More Than a Memory_ this week! I appreciate each and every review. I wish I could buy you all a cup of coffee! Come visit the Twilighted thread to chat up the story!**

**Oh yeah, no claims on the characters!**

_Chapter 10: Friends in Low Places_

EPOV

It all happened so quickly I still wasn't convinced it was real. One minute I was ditching my afternoon classes to hop a plane, and the next I was lying naked on the couch with Bella.

I wasn't sure what happened to my control. It was as if I'd lost power over my own words and actions.

I never intended for it to happen. It was only yesterday that Emmett introduced me to the idea of Bella beyond friendship. Yesterday. How was it possible that we were here bathing in post coital bliss?

That wasn't to say I was upset by the turn of events. Far from it. I spent my whole life in control, and it never got me anywhere. One night of abandon led me to this. What was this? I didn't think I had a name for it yet. But it felt good. No, it was better than good, better than anything I'd felt before. Bella called it love. And I'm sure we did love each other. We always had, but I didn't think she meant she was "in love" with me.

I always thought of Bella as unsure of herself. I still had a vision of her as an inexperienced, scared high school girl. She didn't seem to be either anymore. From the moment she told me to "let go," she was confident and fearless, everything I'd always thought she could be. She owned me. I was supposed to be helping her feel better, but somehow I think I got the better end of the bargain.

I thought back to the conversation Bella and I had all those years ago about sex and love and what lies between. A large part of how I'd defined good sex back then was a lack of awkwardness and an ability to anticipate needs. What we'd just done had all of that, but there was something else too. Just remembering it made me hug Bella tighter.

We were still facing each other. I was utterly relaxed, not yet in control of any of my faculties. Apparently the connection between thought and speech was destroyed as well.

"I was so stupid, Bella. I should have done that years ago."

She kind of chuckled next to me. "Oh you should have huh? Would I have had a say in it?"

I smiled back at her. "You couldn't have resisted after I showed you all that great porn."

We were both laughing then. So relaxed. Too relaxed.

"I mean, I can't believe I picked Eric and Mike over me." I was still kind of laughing, but a look of confusion settled on Bella's face.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh it's nothing really. Just I always wanted you to be happy in high school, you know?"

"No, I guess I don't. How did you pick my boyfriends?" She sat up on her elbow, intent on an answer.

"I didn't really. I mean it was more the power of suggestion."

Bella's expression continued to twist which alerted me to the fact that I needed to get my shit together.

"Are you saying that you got me laid in high school? Did I need your help to get a date?" The confusion lingered, but there was distress in her voice.

"No, really, it wasn't like that Bella. Seriously, I don't know how to explain it. They liked you. They did. I just helped them see it, I guess. Gave them a little push. You deserved to be happy."

And suddenly her face was a jumbled mess of hurt, uncertainty, shock, and fear.

"Edward, why did you just have sex with me? You said something like 'do you want to feel good?' Is that was this was about? Was this a mercy fuck?"

"Oh god, no, Bella . . ." But she interrupted me.

"I don't think I can process any of this right now," she spat with incredulity.

I wanted to throw up. I was embarrassed for sure as I never intended to reveal my role in Bella's high school dating, but now she thought I made love to her for all the wrong reasons.

"I promise you, that's not what this was. I told you before. I don't know what to call it. I'm sorry I can't say what you did, but please know that I did not do this because I feel sorry for you." I poured as much sincerity into that statement as I could.

She looked away, contemplating something.

"It's been a really long day, and I'm so tired. It's just too much. I can't begin to wrap my head around anything. If I try to tally up everything that's happened since I got up yesterday morning, I'm pretty sure I would simply fall apart. So, no more tonight. I think I should go to bed, and you should get to your hotel."

"I can stay, Bella," I nearly pleaded.

"I think I need to be alone right now, actually. I've got some things to deal with."

We found clothes, and got dressed awkwardly. It wasn't long before we stood at her door, saying goodnight. I must have looked like a lost little boy.

I'd been on an emotional roller coaster since lunch yesterday, and as much as I wanted the ride to be over, I didn't want to leave like this. It seemed like there must be another loop or twist left in the track.

"I'm really sorry, Bella. Will you still call me in the morning when you want me to take you to the hospital?"

"I will. I just need a little time. Goodnight, Edward." And with that, I gave her a quick kiss. She turned to head back in the house, when I grabbed her arm.

"Bella, I . . . you mean so much to me. Tonight was . . . ," I searched my memory for that day. What had I called it? " . . . something else."

She sighed, and nodded.

I couldn't go back to the hotel. I knew sleep wouldn't come, and I hated the thought of being holed up in that room, trapped in the thorny brush of my emotions.

So, I went to the town's main drag. There wasn't much, but I recalled a couple of bars. The distinguishing feature of small towns was an equal ratio of bars to churches. It was just after midnight, so I knew I had a little time to drown my sorrows before closing time.

I picked the first one I saw. I'd never stepped foot in a Forks tavern. Obviously, I was too young when I lived here, and my parents weren't patrons, so I had no idea what to expect. I'd really only been to trendy college bars where everyone was trying to impress the hell out of each other. I had a feeling that the scene would be different here.

One word came to mind when I walked through the door—dingy. Everything was gray. The paint peeling off the walls, the floor, the bar itself, and the tables and chairs. The only things that stood in contrast were the neon homages to alcohol—Miller, Bud, Pabst, all American beers—the faded green pool tables, and the torn red barstools. The room seemed to have a split crowd. The people gathered in the pool area were younger. Around my age maybe, but they didn't share much resemblance to the groups I typically saw in the college bars. It looked as if they'd come directly from work—no expensive jeans or fashionable hair cuts. Just friends hanging out or maybe escaping home.

The remaining customers scattered around the tables and stools were older. It didn't seem like they were there for fun. No laughing or companionship. They stared at television sets or at the younger kids, chain smoking and heckling the one waitress who was probably lucky to get a dollar tip from each table all night. She was busy working the room, so I never got a chance to see which crowd she would join if she weren't on duty.

I knew I'd be out of place, but I sidled over to the bar and picked a stool that wasn't adjacent to anyone. They didn't have bottled anything, so I went with a tap. It didn't matter. I wouldn't really taste it anyway. At the last second I added a shot of whiskey. Neither would have been my choice, but I assumed martinis weren't too common here.

I tried to blend in by staring at the small TV screen mounted on the wall. At this hour, there was some Jerry Springer type talk show on. Seems someone didn't know who their baby's daddy was.

I was feeling judgmental and superior until it occurred to me that I hadn't used a condom with Bella. What an idiot! The last thing she needed right now was more concern or worry. I wanted to call her right then to help give her some peace of mind, but I didn't want to wake her if she was sleeping, and I wasn't sure she'd be happy to hear my voice.

My stomach was rumbling, and that pizza was a faint memory. I scanned the bar area to see what my options were: chips, pickles, and beef jerky appeared to be my only options. I wondered if anything were open in this town to get something else, when suddenly a basket of popcorn plopped down in front of me.

"It's not much, but it beats the pants out of a stale pickle."

The first thing I noticed was her hair. It was still that same corn husk shade of blonde. She looked exactly the same as she had in high school, except her entire aura just read tired.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" she asked as she sat down next to me.

"I just needed a drink," I responded simply.

"Obviously. I mean, what are you doing in town?"

"I came to help a friend." The truth of that statement hit in its entirety. I came here for Bella but I hadn't acted like someone who really wanted to help her. I was entirely selfish as I worked through my own emotions.

Lauren registered understanding, and she nodded.

"How's Chief Swan doing?" Had it not been for Emmett's conversation yesterday, that question would have made me fall out of my chair. It didn't leave my notice that she hadn't asked about Bella.

"He's stable. Everyone is hopeful."

"I really am glad to hear it. It doesn't explain why you're here alone though."

"Bella was tired, and I couldn't sleep yet." It was a partial truth at least. "So, how about you? What are you doing here? Are you by yourself?"

"No, I was with a friend. We were just about to leave when I saw you sitting here. You looked a little lonely."

"I wasn't."

"You can fool a lot of people, Edward Cullen, but I spent years reading you, and I think I'm better at it than you ever gave me credit for."

"Perhaps. So, what are you up to these days? I heard you got married," I acknowledged, putting the spotlight back on her.

"Yup! We had a little girl too, Emma. She just turned a year last month." She was beaming. As miserable as I was, I could still be polite.

"You must have pictures then." I'd never known a parent not to.

"Of course," she said as started digging through her purse. She handed me a couple of wallet photos. The girl was a mini version of her mother. That same hair and smile. "She keeps me busy. We kind of jumped into things, you know? So it's all had its ups and downs, but it's worth it. We moved to Port Angeles before Emma came since there were more opportunities for work there. This is just my weekly girl's night out."

"I'm glad you're doing well."

"And you? Are you still in Chicago?"

"Yeah. I'm pre-Med at Northwestern."

"Not surprising. Is Bella there with you?" She looked down when she posed the question.

"No, she's still in Phoenix. This is actually the first time I've seen her since we left."

"You can't be serious! How can you maintain your relationship that way?"

"People have long distance friendships all the time, Lauren." I thought the question was ridiculous.

"Are you seriously telling me you two aren't together yet?" A realization dawned as to what kind of together she meant.

"It's a little complicated at this point."

"Ah so there is more to the story, huh?

Obviously, I wasn't going to give her the entire story, but she was clearly pressing for details. "You know what's funny? I only just found out yesterday that people knew Bella and I were friends?"

She laughed. "That doesn't surprise me. You two were in your own little bubble."

"It really was that noticeable, huh?"

"Painfully," she said quietly, and I caught the double meaning.

The past two days had been surreal. I guess I shouldn't have been shocked that I was now sitting here about to have the closure conversation with Lauren. How absolutely appropriate in this fucked up chain of events that I should go from sex with Bella to a conversation with Lauren in the same night. How often had it been the reverse? There was a large part of me that wanted to end our chat right there. I could have said I was tired, that it was good to see her and given her a final compliment on her little girl.

Another part of me knew the last couple of days opened a crack in the window of regret. It was too late to close it now. It would be trapped inside. My only hope was to open the window wide to let the air flow freely.

"Why did you put up with it, Lauren?"

"Have you looked in the mirror lately, Edward?"

"Oh come on, Lauren. With your looks, you could have found plenty of guys good looking enough."

"Yeah, but they would all have been too easy. I liked the challenge. And the sex was pretty damned good if I do say so myself." She sat up a little taller when she said it. I was sure she was fishing, and what the heck, it was true.

"I would never deny that, but I really was an asshole. It honestly didn't occur to me at the time that you would want anything else, but when I play out now, I can see how blind I was. And how it had to hurt you."

"Is that an apology?"

"No, but this is. I'm sorry."

"Accepted. Really, it's all water under the bridge. It bugged me, but I got over it. I have pretty good memories of that time. Of course, I can't actually share them in mixed company," she acknowledge slyly.

"So, it was the challenge that kept you around?"

"I think so. At least in the beginning. Then I suppose it was something else. A different challenge really. I watched you with Bella, and I wanted that. You two always looked so happy together."

"We were."

"Were?"

"Like I said, it's complicated."

"Why?" She asked innocently, but I just shook my head. I wasn't going there. She didn't give up.

"Edward, I know you never thought of me as very bright, but it always seemed to me that when it came to love, the two of you were on the short bus. I didn't mind so much because if she wasn't going to fight for you, I got the benefit, but why didn't you ever go for her?"

"I didn't think about her like that. There were flashes here and there, but at first it was just about trying to help her out of a rut. She was so . . . I don't know . . . helpless. You know. You preyed on it." She shrugged in acknowledgement. "What was that all about anyway?"

"I guess she was an easy target," she tossed it out there, but she looked away.

"Now, who's holding back?" I held her gaze to let her know I could be stubborn too.

"Okay, fine. So, you know I wasn't very good in school, right? Well for whatever reason, I was good at spelling. It was weird because most good spellers were good readers too—not me. And it didn't translate to good writing either. Eventually, it kind of faded too. Anyway, I didn't go to elementary school in Forks, but there was this spelling bee, and the kids from area communities got together for like a district competition. I represented a bunch of po-dunks who went to this consolidated school. And of course, Bella was the Forks contestant. I was so freakin' excited for that thing. It was a tough time because my parents were fighting a lot . . ." She trailed off for a bit, lost in her own thoughts.

"I had this fantasy that I would win and my parents would be so proud and they would come running up to the stage and hug me. We'd go out to dinner after, and they'd be so happy they'd love each other again." She paused again. "God, I was stupid." And she shook her head slightly.

"I know Bella doesn't remember this. But she beat me. And it wasn't just that. Her dad was there in the front row, and I could see how proud he was of her. My parents were so caught up in their own shit that they didn't even show up. So I hated her for it. Not fair, but it turns out, lots of things in life aren't fair, right?" And she looked down at her lap then.

It explained so much. It turns out both Bella and Lauren were broken. Hell, maybe I was too. The damage merely manifested itself in different ways.

"I'm sorry." It was all I could think to say. She popped up quickly and put on a semi-convincing smile.

"Anyhoo, back to you. Did you come to your senses?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you figure out you love her?"

"I don't . . . " I was getting rather annoyed with everyone assuming so much about my feelings for Bella. "I mean, why do you think that?"

And like Emmett yesterday, she was laughing. "You can't be serious. See, this is what I mean. How can people be so smart and so stupid at the same time? Sheesh."

"Emmett was trying to convince me of the same thing yesterday."

"Who would have thought he'd end up the smarter of you two?" she said with wink.

"Look, I know I feel something for her. We really haven't been talking all that much, so this is very recent."

"It's not actually, but keep telling yourself that."

"Don't hold back, now."

"When have I ever? Edward, what do you think love is? What would convince you?"

"I don't know. Isn't there supposed to be some magic moment where you just know?"

"Oh screw that! You've obviously been watching too many chick flicks. Do you have fun with her?"

"Of course."

"And you want to spend as much time as you can with her?"

"Yeah, I do."

Her volume turned down for the next line. "Do you think she's beautiful? Are you attracted to her?"

An image of Bella from just hours ago standing naked before me popped up, and I know I smiled because Lauren looked away as if she saw a private moment.

"It's right there in your face, Edward. You love her. Do you think she feels the same way about you?"

"She said she did."

"Then what the hell are you doing here? For as hot as you are, you're really not very good with women are you?" She punched me in the arm playfully. I appreciated the lightened mood.

"So are you really happy, Lauren?"

"I am," she said emphatically.

"And Tyler . . . you love him?"

"Absolutely. It was a slow thing. I started dating him to make you jealous, of course. Clearly that didn't work. But he was really good to me, and he worshipped me. It was such a contrast from you that it was hard not to get caught up in it. Nothing's been easy. We're young, and we don't have a pot to piss in, but it's all good."

The simplicity of her life touched me. Lauren never over thought anything. Sometimes, thinking is all I do anymore.

We continued talking. She filled me in on what some of our former classmates were up to, and I told her more about my life since leaving Forks. It was the single longest conversation we'd ever had. By the time the night ended, I liked Lauren. We weren't on some journey to be great pals or anything, but I learned to respect her, and that was something I most definitely did not do in high school.

With conversation flowing easily, I lost track time. When the bartender announced "last call," I looked to the clock. I'd been there almost two hours, and some quick addition indicated I threw back a few more beers than I should have.

"Hey Edward, where are you staying?" she asked cautiously.

"I'm at the motel."

"Are you driving?"

"I have a rental, but I was just trying to figure out if I should hoof it." I'd already been completely irresponsible once this evening, and I was sure twice would be pressing my luck.

"It's not far, but at this time of the night it'd probably feel long. Why don't you let me give you a ride? I stopped drinking hours ago."

"I didn't even notice. How'd you let me sit here and drink myself stupid?"

"I have farther to drive. Plus, I may love my husband to bits and pieces, but something tells me I shouldn't trust myself around you in a drunken state." She laughed again, having no clue I'd already had my fill of taboo sex for the night.

She drove the same blue Corolla. I couldn't imagine how many miles the thing now had. Plenty of rust spots dotted along the side of the car. When I opened the door, it creaked loudly. She started it up, and upon hearing the groaning noise it made, I seriously wondered if I'd be better off walking.

"Sorry, she's a little past her prime, but a new car just isn't in the budget right now. She's been very reliable though."

"You should have that checked out though. I have a suspicion it's not healthy."

"Oh that's right, you were always handy with cars weren't you? Do you still tinker?"

"On occasion. Emmett and I still spend some quality time in my parents' garage, but we don't have a current project."

In the blink of an eye, we pulled into the hotel parking lot. I supposed walking back to get the rental wouldn't be so hard in the morning.

"You know. There's something I've always wondered, Edward."

"What's that?"

"How did you get my hood open?" she asked while putting the car into park.

"Huh?

"The day it wouldn't start . . . when you 'fixed' it?" She said the word "fix" with a facetious tone.

"I really never saw you clearly at all, did I?"

"Your loss, Tyler's gain," she quipped.

"I stole your keys out of your pocket and replaced them before the end of the day." She already knew the truth anyway.

"Ah. You're good. Hey, when you finally get to happily ever after, send me a thank you card, will you? Seems if it weren't for me always pushing Bella down, you wouldn't have needed to be the one to pick her back up."

When did she get wise?

"Thanks, Lauren. It's been an enlightening night." I got out of the car, and shut the door. She called out to me from her rolled down window.

"One more thing . . . in order to make Bella feel better, you had to break my car, right? Seems like a lot of wasted energy to me. Next time skip the middle man, and go straight to her. See you around, Edward!" and with that she drove off.

I reflected on these two women. I used to consider them polar opposites. Black. White. Mind. Body. Suddenly, everything was gray. I wasn't used to ambiguity. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time. Roughly 38 hours since lunch with Emmett, and my foundation was crumbling.

I couldn't begin to make sense of anything tonight, especially not with influence of the alcohol teaming with lack of sleep, and emotional turmoil. I went to bed hoping that I could put the puzzle together in the morning, starting with finally naming what I felt for Bella.

**E/N: As always my beta partner hmonster4 deserves all my appreciation. She really is *thisclose* to convincing me to expand _Breakfast at Tiffany's_. **

**As I'm doing a final read through of this chapter, my seven year old came out to tell me, "Everyone can have luck. You don't need a like a lucky coin. Luck is in your heart." Ah what a sharp little girl.**


	11. No More Words

**AN: I have to take a moment to thank you for making it this far. I made the mistake of going back to read the first chapter this week, and I am amazed anyone went past it. So kudos to all of you! Special thanks to all the new reviewers and alerts! Those emails notices make my day.**

**No claims on the characters . . .**

_Chapter 11: No More Words_

BPOV

I crashed hard. After Edward left, I simply shut down. I didn't let myself think or feel anything else. I went up to my room, crawled under the covers, and I didn't wake until sun started peaking through my window around 6:30. It wasn't a full night's sleep, but it was unmoving and dreamless

The sun made my eyelids flutter, causing me to cover my face with my arm which didn't feel very comfortable, so I turned on my side away from the window alerting me to a full bladder. Once my body started moving, my mind sprang to life up too. There was no hope of more sleep after that. One thought lit up my consciousness like a Times Square billboard.

I had sex with Edward. I always thought that if I were able to say those words, I'd be jumping up and down and screaming as if I'd won the lottery, but I couldn't do that now. There was too much to figure out.

I stood up and stretched. My body must have been more tense in my sleep than usual. I felt like I'd run a marathon.

My first order of business was coffee. Well bathroom, then coffee. When I got downstairs, I discovered Charlie put an empty can back in the cupboard. I laughed at that. Like father, like daughter. I didn't want to start another day coffeeless. After all, it didn't turn out so well yesterday.

That was going to mean a trip to a store, but nothing was really in walking distance. It was definitely too early to call Edward, and I wasn't ready for that just yet anyway.

I hurried upstairs and threw on some jeans, pulled my hair back in a pony tail, splashed some water on my face, and brushed my teeth. I had a plan.

I practically ran down the stairs, hoping I'd be right. The garage door was getting tougher to open. I knew Charlie never actually put a car in there, so it wasn't opened and closed with regularity.

It was dark, but the morning light quickly filled the dank space.

And there she was, a little rusty, but that was to be expected. I ran my fingers from the handle bars, to the seat, to the basket. I loved this damn bike. I knew the tires would need air, but otherwise she was good to go.

The trip to the store would have been a bit much on foot, but not so bad on wheels. I went back to the house to grab my wallet and a jacket, and I was on my way. It was only then I remembered the sun shining was unusual. Living in Phoenix for so long, I'd come to take it for granted. I almost felt like it was shining for me today, like it had followed me, knowing I would need it.

The streets were empty. The town seemed even smaller than I'd remembered. Not long ago I bought a box of Honeycombs. I couldn't get the old ad jingle out of my head, but when I poured the cereal into the bowl, I couldn't believe how small they were. Did they shrink, or did I grow? I wondered the same thing about Forks.

I'd put off dwelling on the important topic as long as I could, but it was time to face the proverbial music. An emotional tornado gathered momentum in my head. Anger, confusion, excitement, love, frustration, sadness, guilt, and fear were the debris that swirled in the spiral storm. I was standing smack dab in the eye of it, and if I stayed there, I'd be swept away. So, my only choice was to step out of the storm, and look back at it with an objective lens.

So, back to the beginning. I had sex with Edward. I'm going to remove everything else from yesterday and admit to myself that I liked it. A lot. But even that was an understatement. It was undoubtedly the most physical pleasure I'd ever experienced. No fancy lingerie. No dirty talking. No contorted positions. Just two people wholly connected to each other.

Whatever else was going on, I couldn't deny that I think he enjoyed it too. What had he called it? "Something else." It made sense that it would be more. We'd known each other so long and cared about for one another. He'd once described the merger of sex and love as "something else," but he was naming what he felt for me "something more" not love. Whether the difference was authentic or semantic, I couldn't be sure.

In any case, sex was not the problem. That list was much longer. I decided to walk through each problem systematically, staying as far outside my emotional upheaval as possible.

**Problem #1**: My guilt was eating away at me. How could I allow myself pleasure when my dad was in pain? It seemed heartless. At the same time, people use all kinds of things to numb pain, and we were two single adults. I'm pretty sure that there was nothing inherently taboo about it. Had I really ignored my dad's needs in favor of my own? Not really.

**Problem #2**: He didn't love me. Ordinarily, I'm not sure it would affect me that much. I can't say that I was really in love with either of the 3 other partners I'd had. It didn't take away from the fact that whatever feelings he did share with me last night far surpassed anything I had with those three. But I opened my big mouth and said it to him. So, it was out there; it was uneven, and that made it awkward. Still maybe I could play it off as "I've always loved you" as in, you're my best friend, and of course I love you. Then maybe it wouldn't be so awkward.

**Problem #3**: There is this whole bit about him picking my high school boyfriends. I woke up feeling less bothered by it. I might have been overreacting last night due to my emotional state, but I still had a bad taste in my mouth. I wish he'd just talked to me about it. Would it have been so hard to say, "Hey Bella, what do you think about Mike Newton? You want me to try to hook you up?" Wouldn't that be the way normal friends handled things? The idea that he was pulling strings behind my back kinda gave me the willies. It's something we'd need to address from here on out.

**Problem #4**: And that led me to the biggest problem. What would happen from here? Could we go back to being just friends, or had we ruined it? I didn't even know how much I'd missed him. I'd been at ease relying on him. I wasn't expecting him to profess his love and whisk me away to Vegas for a quickie wedding or anything. I think the whole sex thing was a one time event of two people so engrossed in their emotions they needed a physical outlet. Hopefully, if I can comfort him with that, our friendship can be saved.

Surprisingly, I didn't have a single near accident on the way to the store, despite my clouded brain. By the time I got there though, I was also hungry. I wished I had a car so I could buy more groceries, but I knew I could only get by with a couple of bags worth of things that would fit in the basket.

Edward's hotel was just across the street. I could run over and get his car. It got loud in my head as a weather siren went off, and I swear I heard someone shot, "Get to the basement!" The tornado was definitely still there, and I wasn't quite ready to see Edward.

I went up and down the aisles, avoiding that giant problem across the street. I decided to skip the toiletries aisle as I knew I had everything in my cosmetic bag. I casually thought to myself that if I had to stay much longer, I would need to pick up some of the feminine products when I stopped dead in my tracks.

How could I forget **Problem #5**? We didn't use any protection. I took a deep breath, relieved that the timing was off; it was way too close to that time of the month, but it was irresponsible nonetheless, and I didn't actually know anything about Edward's more recent sexual history. Given the kind of women he used to screw around with, I sure wasn't going to let that sleeping dog lie.

My hunger subsided momentarily, as a sick feeling came on. In my fantasy, there had always been this moment of grand revelation, and touchy feely that went on was because we were on our way to happily ever after. Now, I'm just girl he fucked. How did I end up on that list? Oh this was going to be an even more joyous conversation than I anticipated. And my expectations were already exceptionally low.

I wasn't going to be able to put it off much longer. I did want to make sure I was at the hospital by 10, and I still needed to shower. I made quick decisions about what staples I needed at the house and hit the in store bakery for a breakfast peace offering.

I had to balance the 'to go' cups of coffee precariously in my basket. I was grateful for the short distance I was about to travel. It could get really ugly if I hit a bump. There was a little more traffic around by this time, for Forks anyway.

I looked around the parking lot, but I didn't see Edward's rental anywhere. I hoped this wasn't something of an O Henry moment. Edward might have been crossing town right now to get to my dad's house. I popped my kickstand down, and pulled out my phone.

"Hello?" he sounded out of it.

"Hey, it's me. Where are you?"

"In bed still. What time is it?" I craned my head to see if I missed any cars in the lot.

"It's about 7:30. Um, what bed are you in?"

"Huh? I'm at the hotel, Bella. Why?"

"Oh because I'm in the parking lot, and I don't see your car."

"Hold on."

And he opened the door to his room. He looked a mess. His hair was always unruly, but it was downright wild right now. He was still in his clothes from yesterday. I rode up toward him.

"I brought coffee."

"You're a lifesaver, Bella," he said with a smile. "I can't believe you still have this bike."

"She needed a little TLC this morning, but I was desperate for caffeine."

"You could have called me you know?" His expression was unreadable. It seemed as if nothing had happened at all.

"It was early. Looks like you needed to sleep in anyway." He really did look wrecked.

I took the bag with the baked goods and coffee in the room, but he removed them from my hands and set them on the small table near the door. When both our hands were free, he pulled me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry for everything." Something seemed so different. I'd always thought of Edward as so sure of himself, but the hug was off somehow—like our whole relationship, it was caught between lover's and a friend's embrace. We broke apart, and I assessed the room. I needed a little more time before we had _the _talk.

"So, where is your car?"

"Oh, I couldn't sleep after I left last night so I stopped by a bar downtown. I wasn't really in any shape to drive home" He looked away when he said it. He went out drinking after he left me. Did that mean he was drinking troubles away, or did it mean he didn't have any and just wanted a good time?

"Did you walk home?" I thought that might give me a clue. He made a motion to the bakery bag and then walked toward it.

While he was facing away from me, he said, "No, I got a ride from a friend." I threw a little bitterness in my emotional storm. He'd been able to be social last night.

Then he sat back down on the bed and took a bite out of the donuts. "Thanks for this. I'm starving." I kept myself in check for now. If he was going to play it cool, so would I.

"Me too. I got a few more supplies. I could run home and whip up a bigger breakfast. It would give us both time to feel a little more human before we deal with last night." I wanted to keep it light. I couldn't be sure what kind of state he was in. In addition to everything else, he might be hung over.

"That would be good. Do you want me to run down and get the car? I bet we could fit the bike in the back."

"Nah. The ride isn't bad, and by the time you shower and get to your car, I can have breakfast on the table." At this point, I realized I probably wasn't hiding my trepidation very well.

"Sounds like a plan," he mumbled while taking a long drink from the coffee cup.

I got up to leave, and he crossed the room to take me in his arms again. He kissed the top of my head, and brought his lips very close to my ear. In spite of everything I was grappling with, my body remembered his and ached. I had to resist the urge, to run my fingers up his back and hitch my leg over his hip.

"I know we have a lot to say, and this is a little awkward, but I'm really sorry I forgot to be safe. Please know you can trust me." It was an acknowledgement that something happened between us, but it quelled my lust instantly.

"Thanks, I was as much to blame on that one, and no worries. Timing is way off. Now, get moving. I'm anxious to see my dad today." Keep it light, Bella.

His face kept surprising me. I was so used to Edward looking like he had everything together. This very hesitant man was a little disturbing right now. I felt like I was the one who had it all together. Since I knew I was hanging on by a thread, that didn't offer me much consolation.

I was back at the house in about 15 minutes. I had to ride slower since I was trying to be careful with the things in my baskets.

Making breakfast was a welcome reprieve from everything. While stirring the blueberry pancake batter, I patted myself on the back. I survived my first post sex encounter with Edward, and I didn't fall all over him or apologize for telling him I loved him. I'd been cool and confident.

I knew the hard part was still coming, and I was struggling with where to begin. He crossed #5 off my list, which was a relief. I did trust him on that.

Did I need to address all four of the other items? I thought so, but I wasn't sure of the appropriate order.

After I mixed the batter, I ran upstairs to take a quick shower and make myself look presentable. By the time Edward arrived, the griddle was hot, and I was getting ready to pour.

"Help yourself to juice ore more coffee," I announced as I was getting plates out of the cupboard.

I kept myself busy. Still avoiding. Time was running out though.

"Bella? " Something in his voice told me to look at him. "Do you hate me now? You can't even look at me." He was positively dejected, and it broke my heart even though if I recall, I was supposed to the one mad at him.

I breathed sharply, bracing myself for what was to come. "No, Edward. I don't hate you." I wanted to keep the façade up, but my heart was beating so fast, I thought it might be visible from across the room. I was flipping the pancakes onto plates, and Edward walked over to the fridge to grab the syrup.

"Then, why won't you look at me?"

"I'm scared. There's so much to say, and I don't know where to start."

"I hate this. I was so damned happy to you see yesterday, despite the circumstances. Everything was so easy. "

"Including me," I added.

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella."

"I'm not. I'm serious. It was all too easy. It shouldn't have been. I know you're used to sex being easy, but I don't just jump into bed with people. There was a lot we ignored for the sake of convenience. And . . ." I wasn't sure I was going to complete that sentence, so ordinarily I would have been grateful when my phone picked that moment to buzz.

But instead of being a relief, the sound put my entire body on alert. I almost wanted to let go to voice mail so I didn't have to deal directly with any news that might be coming. Edward kept looking from me to the phone, as if asking whether he should answer it for me. A switch turned off the ability of my brain to tell my hands what to do.

"Bella, are you going to answer it?" His voice flipped it back on again, and I picked up my phone.

"Hello?"

"Yes, I'm looking for Isabella Swan."

"This is she," I responded tentatively.

"Good morning. I'm your dad's nurse, and I'm just calling to let you know he just woke up this morning. He's still groggy, of course, but he's been stable all night, and there is a good chance he'll move out of the ICU today. Visiting hours aren't until 10, but if you get early, just ask for Jennifer, and we'll get you in. I told him I was going to call you, and he was very surprised you're in the area. He's excited to see you."

My hand flew to my mouth, and tears sprung from my eyes. Some sort of a "thank you" squeaked out before I closed my phone.

Edward was still just staring at me. "Are you okay? Was that the hospital?" he guessed as he moved toward me to see if I needed physical comfort.

"He's awake! We have to go now! My dad is awake!" And then in a flurry I was grabbing my purse and keys, and while Edward turned off the griddle and dumped the batter in the sink.

I have no idea how fast he drove, but it's a good thing Chief Swan wasn't on duty that day. While he drove, I babbled. I waxed nostalgic about Charlie, telling stories of other times he was hurt and about all my great memories of him. I recalled the year he tried to take me training bra shopping. We stood in the middle of the store for five minutes, with neither of us knowing which way to turn. Finally, a nice sales lady put her arm around me, and nodded to my dad, "Chief Swan, why don't you go check out the fishing lures in sporting goods. Come back in about 20 minutes." From that day, he just handed me the JC Penney catalog and had me circle what I wanted so he never had to walk through that section again.

Edward listened. He encouraged. Once in a while he would say something like, "I'm so glad he's awake," or "That sounds just like him." When we reached the hospital parking lot, I considered the difference in my moods between last night's car ride and this morning's. I knew Edward and I still had so much to discuss, but I was feeling lighter, more in control. It was partially my dad, of course, but I'd really been figuring some important things out on this trip, and my whole spirit was lifting.

When I looked to my left, I could tell Edward wasn't in the same mindset I was. I wanted to throw open my car door and run at top speed to the ICU, but we'd never discussed what would happen today.

"Do you need anything else from the store?" he asked meekly. "I don't mind."

I actually did have a list in my wallet of things I'd remembered but couldn't fit in my basket this morning, so I pulled it out.

"And I was wondering since we missed breakfast, would you have lunch with me?"

"You know you don't have to go."

"Yeah, I do. You need time with your dad without me hanging around." I didn't want to say it to him, but he was right. Seeing him all day would be hard on me. With so much still unsaid, things were unusually awkward with us. I needed a break from that storm of emotions, and I wanted to give all my attention to my dad.

"Well, lunch should be fine. If he's still in the ICU, they kick me out every couple of hours anyway, so give me a call when you're ready."

He nodded and looked at me deeply for a minute. The look on his face made me want to stay there and analyze him, to have the conversation his eyes were begging for, but knowing my dad was possibly still awake upstairs trumped his needs . . . and my own. Edward was leaving tomorrow though, and we would have to air some of this dirty laundry.

"I'll see you later, Edward. And we will talk. I promise."

I might as well have been four years old, sitting on the porch step with the babysitter waiting for my daddy to get home from work. "Is it time yet? When will my daddy be here? I want my daddy!" I wanted to stand in the middle of the room and jump up and down in circles clapping and cheering.

My daddy looked better. Not perfect, but he had a little more color in his cheeks. And he was, in fact, still awake.

"Hey Bells," he croaked as I walked into the room. "Damn fine way I get you to come visit, huh?"

I laughed. "Well I was too stubborn to listen to any other argument. So, desperate times call for desperate measures." In the space of that sentence, I was at his side, cautiously hugging him.

"I'm sorry you had to come all this way. I hate that you're missing all your classes and work."

"Shhhh. It's no big deal. None of that matters as much as being here with you."

"Are you sure it's not going to be a problem?" Ugh. I left all that stress behind last night. The balloon that contained the stress of my life was expanding at an alarming rate. I didn't know how much more it could take.

"Nah. It'll all be fine," I assured us both.

"Oh good. I'm sorry I can't see you under better circumstances though."

"It's okay, dad."

"Hey, how did you get here, anyway? I thought you didn't have a credit card."

"I had to borrow a friend's. I'll pay him back though."

"Him? Something you're not telling me?" He was starting to look a little tired, but he gave me a wink anyway.

"We'll talk about it later, Dad. Why don't you rest?"

"It's good to have you back, Bella." He didn't mean just in Forks. That much was clear.

"It's good to be back, Dad." I didn't mean just in Forks, either. I hope I was equally clear.

The rest of the morning went by quickly. My dad drifted in and out, and around 12:30, Jennifer told me I would have to leave for a bit, but that they were moving him out of ICU in the afternoon.

I hadn't heard from Edward, so I gave him a call to see if he still wanted to have lunch.

"I was just going to call you," he said when he picked up on the first ring.

"Still feeling like having lunch with me? I've got some time now."

"Yeah, I'm walking in the door now."

"Oh, cool. Let's just meet in the cafeteria, then." I got sidetracked by one of my dad's doctors, so Edward was waiting for me at the entrance to the cafeteria.

"How's he doing?" he asked as he picked up a tray from the pile.

"Really well. He's been a wake a lot, and they are definitely moving him out of ICU later today."

"That's great news, Bella." Whatever else was going on, he really had been worrying right along with me.

"I know. It's such a relief."

We wandered around the cafeteria adding things the tray. Nothing looked particularly appealing, but I was just hungry enough that it didn't matter. Edward got out his wallet to pay, and I practically slapped his hand. "Please let me. It's the least I can do," I offered.

Once we were seated, I started in on small talk. "So, what did you do this morning?"

"Bella, you can't do this forever."

"Oh I am a master avoider. You'd be surprised how long I can hold out," I teased. I wore a small smile, but I don't think he was all that amused.

"Is that working out well for you?" Ouch. I deserved it. But it still ticked me off. He keeps forgetting I'm the pissed off one in this partnership.

"Okay, where do you want to start? Because I don't know what to say."

"How do you feel about what happened last night?" My left hand was resting on the table, and he reached across to touch my fingers gently.

"Which part?"

"Whichever. All of it?" I pulled my fingers back to play with my water bottle.

"I've cycled through quite a few emotions already. I've been mad—not just at you on the whole boyfriend thing, but also at myself. I knew it was probably not a good idea for us to be together, but I got carried away. I've felt guilty for feeling so good at a time when my dad was sick. And now, I'm sort of at fear. I know this has altered our friendship, and I don't know what to do about it. So, I'm ignoring things right now. And it feels like a fabulous vacation from reality." Still keeping things as light as possible.

"Did you mean what you said last night?" I had a hunch where this was going, and I didn't like it one bit.

"Which thing?" I asked innocently as if I didn't know.

"Do you love me, Bella?" Oh shit. It kind of annoyed me. I just said I was avoiding, but I'll be damned if he would let me stay at Hotel Denial a little longer. I had a split second decision to make right then. Tell the truth and deal with the consequences or lie through my teeth and deal with a very different set of consequences. Fucking consequences on either side. I chose the easy way out.

"Does it matter?"

"It does to me."

"Why? What do we do with what happened last night, Edward?"

"I don't know." I've never seen him look so tiny. He was shredding a napkin into bits and pieces. "I know I messed up. I took advantage of a terrible situation. People have me so confused right now though. Emmett went on and on about it all and then Lauren was so sure too. I'm thinking maybe I missed it all along."

By then his mouth was moving, but I didn't hear anything.

"Lauren?"

He was still talking, going on about emotions and love and sex and whatever else was going through that head of his, so he missed it the first time. I got louder.

"Edward, when did you talk to Lauren about me?"

"Oh, um, last night. She was at the bar last night. Anyway, I've never felt like this about anyone."

"Is she the friend who gave you a ride home?"

"Huh? Yeah. "

"You spent the night with Lauren after you left me?"

"She was at the bar. We talked for a long time; she tried to help me make sense of things?" He seemed puzzled by the change in my demeanor.

"Why didn't you tell me this morning?"

"I suppose I should have, but I was barely awake, and I didn't know what you'd think about it." He supposed? Damn straight he should have.

"All this cloak and dagger shit is driving me crazy. Why can't you ever just be honest with me?"

"I didn't think it was a big deal. It was a nice conversation, and we really came to terms with the past. And Bella, honesty has to go both ways.

"Frankly, I don't give a hoot. I don't have a lot of warm and fuzzy feelings about her, and it seems pretty crappy to me that after screwing me you ran off to hang out with her. Did you do her too?" As I got louder my vocabulary went down the toilet.

"That's not fair. You kicked me out. And it wasn't like that with her. I'm not going to defend the past, but there's a lot you don't know. She might surprise you. She understood things I didn't think anyone did."

"Yes, the rest of us are all pretty dense compared to the great Lauren. Please enlighten me as to her fabulous insight."

"I'm sorry you're mad. I really am." But not sorry he spent the night with her.

"Oh come, Edward. What did she have to say?" He paused to collect himself before responding. He was remaining so much more in control right now, and was adding to my lack thereof.

"She knew how the way she treated you affected me."

"And how was that? I'm curious, because now that you mention it, did you ever defend me to her? Oh yeah, no, you were too busying fucking her!"

"I'm sure I deserve that. I did try to defend you though in my own way. You just never saw it." He stopped himself again, and looked up contemplating what to say next. "Whenever she cut you up, it made me want to help you more."

"Help me? There it is again. That's really what I am to you isn't it? You pity me. I'm just something for you to fix. Do you not see a problem with that? I've been a fool, haven't I? None of this is real. I'm just a way to fulfill your God complex, aren't I? So, when you become a doctor will you leave me alone?" I was vicious, and I knew it. He looked so incredibly hurt, but damn it, he didn't have the right. I did.

We sat there in silence for a long time, both of us shaking. Mine was anger, but his looked at awful lot like fear. I couldn't speak anymore, and I was waiting to see what he had left in him.

"I'm sorry I fucked everything up. I didn't mean to. I don't know what happened. I wanted to make you happy because you mean the world to me." The broken boy in front of me bore no resemblance to the image I carried of him in my heart. As mad as I was, it softened me slightly.

"I get that. I do. But what you need to consider is why you feel that way. I don't think it's about me as much as it's thinking you can save me."

"That's not true."

"Maybe it isn't. I don't know. Here's what I do know. I have loved every minute I've spent with you, including last night. You dazzled me from the day I first met you. And I am eternally grateful to you for loaning me the money to come here, and for your intentions in joining me. I will pay you back for that. But I don't think I can be around you right now. I'm angry, and I'm hurt, and I need to work through all of this."

It occurred to me that yesterday morning I could not have had this conversation. I was gaining strength.

"I've been pretty far off track lately, Edward, and being here has shown me that I need to fix it. You can't help with that. I've got to do this on my own. And it seems like you've got some things to work through too. And this . . . " I pointed from him to me, "is not helping either of us."

And maybe for the first time ever, I stood up on my own two feet. They didn't buckle or shake.

I grabbed his hands which had completely obliterated the napkin. He was still shaking.

"We made a mistake, and I think we'll get past it eventually. "

As I turned to walk away, he held on tight to my hand.

"Please . . . " he begged.

"Don't. I need to focus on my dad." I returned. And he dropped my hand.

And for the second time in less than a day, I asked Edward to leave. Though I was the one who walked away.

Somehow, those two feet of mine carried me away.

**E/N: I'm running to hide now so you can't throw things at me now. Nope, no HEA yet. But Charlie's going to be okay, and Bella's getting stronger. Next chapter will likely overlap more of EPOV so you can get his thoughts during this timeline. **

**Big love to hmonster4 though you're making me confuse Batward with my clueless Charmward. **


	12. Just a Boy

**A/N: I must be getting braver because I am now actually telling people in real life that I am writing fanfic. A special thanks to those of you who can read this and still look me in the eye! I was so happy people liked seeing Bella strong in the last chapter. Thanks to the reviewers and those of you who drop by the Twilighted thread. As always, keep 'em coming!**

**No claims on the characters.**

_Chapter 12: Just a Boy_

EPOV

I dreamed of Bella. The story jumped from scene to scene. Laughing at a stupid joke I told. Rolling her eyes as she pointed out inconsistencies in my favorite movie. Slurping the edge of her soda can when some spilled out. Taunting me with the last piece of pizza until I tickled it away from her. Kissing my neck as she slowly rocked on top of me. Whispering "I have always loved you" as I came inside her.

In my dream, I knew what to do. I didn't say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I got out of my head, and I just went with what I felt. There was no need t o come to terms with anything because it was all right there in front of me.

While the dream Edward held her close on the couch, legs entwined, hands still exploring her body, he turned her to face him, looked her straight in the eye, and told her, "I love you, too."

I imagine those four words would have changed the course of everything that happened next.

_Dream Edward stayed the night, holding Bella. They woke up and drove to the grocery store together, picking out supplies for a breakfast feast. They'd developed quite an appetite. They worked in sync in the kitchen, stirring, setting the table, stealing kisses and quick touches all along the way._

_The couple in the dream rejoiced when the phone call from the hospital came. When they got to Port Angeles, they rushed together, holding hands into the hospital. _

_He sat in the ICU waiting area, reading a book he picked up in the gift shop. Every so often, she came out to update him. When Charlie was moved out of ICU, Bella took dream Edward in to say hello. Charlie gave them shit about hiding their friendship but thanked Edward for making sure Bella made it home. _

_The two young lovers went back to their respective cities, but they called each other every day. They saw each other once a month, and they moved to Seattle together as soon as classes were over for the year._

_She went to grad school and worked at a local coffee shop while he was in med school. They were tired, and they didn't see each other as much as they would have liked, but they were happy. They laughed frequently, and they made love often. _

_The years of residency and the doctoral program were hard years. Time together was limited, and sometimes tempers flared. They didn't fear conflict because it was a sign of their passion. Their relationship thrived on trust and respect for each other. _

_They had short stints apart while one was finishing a program somewhere, but they got married along the way. Later, Dr. and Dr. Cullen found jobs in the same city. The pitter patter of little feet could be heard down the halls of their impeccable home. And of course, they lived happily ever after. _

Damndest thing. Dreams don't always come true.

I really did dream of Bella that night, and I really did say the magic words in that dream**. **And more than anything, I really wish I could rewind that day and record over what actually happened.

Reality was confusing, awkward, stifling, and uncomfortable. Instead of waking up with Bella in my arms, my phone called me to consciousness. I was alone and a little hung over. Bella was at the hotel, calling me from the parking lot. I hoped opening the door would bring me out of my stupor.

When I saw her riding her bike toward me, it was there, but I still couldn't name it in my waking hours. Bella on her bike, bringing me breakfast. Even now, I can't conjure a more perfect image.

It brought me back instantly to high school, and my memory flooded with uncomplicated times, at least in my head. Just the two of us. No outside influence. No one telling me how I felt about her. No kissing, no sex.

But then I remembered the kissing, and the sex, so I took her in my arms the first chance I got. I wanted to smell her hair, to feel her skin on mine. I was prepared for a long embrace, followed by an apology, and perhaps a few morning after kisses. But her hug was shallow. Her behavior implied nothing had happened between us last night.

I wanted to shake her and ask her to look me in the eyes, but I needed to follow her lead this morning. I'd messed up last night, and I didn't want to risk making her feel uneasy. I should never have let her know about the boyfriends. I could see why it would bother her to hear about it like that, especially since they turned out to be such poor choices. I believed she would eventually see it for what it was though, a friend helping another friend. I could be patient.

My hotel room felt incredibly small. When Bella asked me how I got home, the walls closed in. The pressure threatened to crush me. I doubt she felt it. It was mine to bear. I had a split second to decide on truth, lie, or something in between, and I went with in between. At least that's what I think I would call it. I could not tell her about Lauren yet. We needed to clear the air regarding what happened between us first. At some point, we'd be back to normal, and I'd tell her the whole story, and we'd both be shocked that Lauren turned out not to be such a bad guy after all. Bella might even be moved by Lauren's past, and someday she would forgive her. That would provide so much closure.

If I'd changed "A friend" to "Lauren gave me a ride," how would things have been different? Could that have led to the happily ever after? I doubted it, so I chose not to lament that response.

I waited for the pressure to lift, but it never did. It hung around all morning, resulting in a constant, dull ache. And every once in a while out of nowhere, it would squeeze me so hard I wanted to cry out in pain.

I tried to hug her again before she left the hotel room. She didn't hug me back. She could barely look at me.

I couldn't be sure what it meant. Was she embarrassed? Did she regret last night? And if so, which part? Maybe I wasn't so patient after all. Once I arrived at her house, I was determined to alleviate this pressure.

"Help yourself to juice or more coffee," she said while preparing breakfast dishes.

Still not looking at me.

"Bella? " I pleaded. "Do you hate me now? You can't even look at me." The heaviness of the air made it difficult to force that question out.

She inhaled, and it almost seemed she was annoyed by the question. "No, Edward. I don't hate you." No eye contact. She kept cooking. Nothing about her tone was believable.

"Then, why won't you look at me?" She continued to flip pancakes onto a plate.

"I'm scared. There's so much to say, and I don't know where to start." What was she afraid of?

"I hate this. I was so damned happy to you see yesterday, despite the circumstances. Everything was so easy. "

"Including me," she added. I looked up quickly. And there it was, spelled out in perfect facial expression. Regret. It was a sucker punch. Of everything her face could have said, that was the one thing I couldn't bear. The idea that there had been something wrong with the way our bodies moved last night angered me.

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella."

"I'm not. I'm serious. It was all too easy. It shouldn't have been. I know you're used to sex being easy, but I don't just jump into bed with people. There was a lot we ignored for the sake of convenience. And . . ." She was stopped short by her phone.

And now the air was not only heavy but hot too. She was accusing me of something. I sensed blame—if I had easy sex, and she didn't, then the whole thing must be my fault, hence her regret. Was her impression of me that bad? A vision of me as _Dracula_ seducing innocent women floated by.

I almost forgot what brought us here. I was so caught up in myself that her dad's health wasn't on my radar. The phone call required me to set aside discussion, though it burned on my tongue.

The drive to the hospital was almost normal. She talked. I listened. She told stories, and I responded. If you didn't know she was swimming in regret and I was trying to label the shift in our relationship, you would have thought we were the couple from my dream. Connected. Relying on each other. Comfortable. If you did know, then you felt that force still pressing down all around us.

She nearly forgot about me. And I understood. I wasn't all that important in the grand scheme of things. She did agree to lunch. I could wait that long, but I knew I would need to get more answers about where she stood then.

I had several free hours. I could use the time to study as I had brought some work with me, but I doubted I would retain anything right now.

She had a hold on me at that point. A magnetic pull. Where she was I had to be. So I turned off my car, went to the gift shop and found a quiet place to read until lunch time. We might not be the couple in the dream. I wasn't just out in the ICU waiting area, but I would be close by in case she needed anything.

She bought my lunch, but neither of us ate anything.

The moment I opened my mouth was the beginning of the end. The rest of the conversation was just the resolution to the story. All day I'd been thinking maybe everything leading up to the night before had just been the setting. Years from now when we told our story, the night we came finally came together on that old couch would be the inciting action of a love story. But as was becoming typical, I was wrong.

Because before I knew what hit me, Bella was saying, "But I don't think I can be around you right now. I'm angry, and I'm hurt, and I need to work through all of this."

I didn't find room for negotiation. The wind left my sails.

"We made a mistake, and I think we'll get past it eventually," she said. We were a mistake. I tried to beg her to stay, but she stopped me.

And I watched her walk away.

I couldn't get up out of my chair for the longest time. My only motivation was that I couldn't let her see me like this. She might come back for a cup of coffee or something. I might have still been sitting there the next day if I thought she would miss my rental still sitting in the parking lot in the same stall.

So, I stood up, but my legs were so weak, I could barely put one foot in front of the other. It was probably just as unsafe for me to drive back to the hotel then as it would have been for me to drive drunk last night. I don't remember a single thing from the drive. I only remember walking in to the relative safety of the hotel room, the last place I'd held her in my arms.

With the curtains shut and the lights off, I sat on the bed and cried. Because I had a name now. Love.

I can't pinpoint the moment I knew for sure, but it really wasn't a single place in time. It was about the collective. All the little moments that led to the big one.

I knew for sure when I asked if she'd meant she loved me. I wanted her to say, "Yes." I would have said it back. But she didn't. She said, "It didn't matter."

And then we were sidetracked into issues of Lauren and helping and her needing to fix herself. She didn't need me anymore. I felt like I lost a part of my purpose in life. What did I have to offer Bella if she didn't need me to save her? I was a knight without a damsel in distress.

In a haze, I threw my things back in my overnight bag and went back to the airport. I didn't want to spend another night in Forks. I couldn't know she was just across town, not needing me.

I hadn't checked flight schedules, so even though I got to Seattle quickly, I had to wait in the airport for a while before I could take off for Chicago.

It was there that I remembered one final thing I could do for her. One last trick up my sleeve. She would know where it came from, and she might resent me for it, but she would accept the gift itself.

I pulled out my phone, and held the number 2 key down. Emmett answered on the third ring. "Hey man, what's up? And where are you? Mom's been trying to reach you."

"I'll tell you later, but right now, I need a favor. Can I get Rosalie's number from you?'

"I guess, but why?"

"I need to get a hold of Alice."

XXXXXX

The flight was delayed, and I didn't get back until midnight. When I reached my car in long term parking, I discovered someone backed out too close, and put a dent and a scratch all along the driver's side doors.

I didn't get out of bed the next day. I let the battery drain from my phone so I didn't have to listen to the beeps indicating missed calls or new voice mails anymore. I chose to wallow instead.

I was in love, and she didn't need me. I didn't think she even wanted me at that point. What an arrogant ass I'd been. Not just with Bella, but with women in general. I used to revel in being wanted and needed, but there's nothing fun about wanting and needing when it's unreciprocated.

I didn't get up for classes on Monday, and I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed that day either, but around noon Emmett was pounding on my front door.

"Open the fucking door, Edward. I saw your car out back, and I know you're in there. If you don't open up, I'll stand out here screaming until you do!"

My muscles were stiff as I padded slowly to the door. I undid the locks, which he heard because he muttered "about damn time."

I turned and went to sit on the couch. It hurt to stand.

"What the fuck happened to you?" he asked.

I just looked at the floor as I said, "Bella."

"You look like hell."

"I feel like it."

"Well, since Rose is now pissed at me, I think I deserve to know what happened."

"Sorry about that. She really didn't want to give me Alice's number."

"So I heard, and now apparently, I'm responsible if that Bella of yours does anything to upset Alice, so it's on your head if I don't get laid for a while."

He tried to make me laugh, but I didn't have any in me.

"Fine, be a stick in the mud, but you still look like you got run over by a truck. You need to talk about it?"

I shook my head.

"Edward, don't be a shit. You don't have to handle everything by yourself. You are no Superman. "

For whatever reason that worked. Maybe it was knowing the whole problem was my fucking "god complex" as Bella called it, but that broke me. I told him everything, right down the conclusion I had recently come to.

I would not bother Bella anymore. She said she needed to fix her life without my help. She was right; I would only fuck things up more. I'd proven it time and again. Lauren even noticed it. I had to break things in order to fix them, and that wasn't right. Bella was better off without me.

When I got done, he reflected for a minute.

"Okay, so let me see if I got this. You love this girl. You did the deed. She said she loved you. But then you both got all weirded out about friendship and sex and love. And you had a fight because you were a dork and said some stupid shit, right?"

I shrugged. He had the timeline correct, but he made it all sound like we were characters in an idiotic soap opera.

"And now you're saying you're going to stay out of her life because you think you're no good for her?"

"Yes."

"Bro, that is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard."

"Thanks."

"I'm serious. Give it a few days and call her up with an apology. Or hell, call her today. Just let her know you're thinking of her and you'll be here when she wants to talk. You don't have to withdraw completely."

"Yes, I do, Emmett. You don't understand. She regrets sleeping with me. I keep fucking things up with her. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was wrong. She doesn't want anything to do with me, and I just have to accept that." I said it with finality. I would not continue this conversation any further.

My whole life I'd been in control. Things came easily. Every plan I ever had succeeded. Now, not only was I staring straight at failure, I didn't even have a strategy. I had no idea where to go from here. I had entered an alternative reality. I searched desperately for a door back home, but it was hidden too well. I was trapped.

**E/N: This one's short and sweet (well not so sweet) because I'm finding I like writing happy better. And our boy wants likes to misinterpret Bella and then wallow in it, and I know that because I read NM (LOL) so it'll probably be short when he returns again. More good stuff for Bella next chapter. Very different mood for her.**

**Love and admiration to hmonster4.** **I'm on the way to the finish line. Are you coming with me? ;)**

**I'm stealing this idea from my girl, Melissa 228, but one of our fellow ChiWI sisters fell ill this fall, and there is an upcoming auction/fundraiser for her. Shari is truly an inspiration to us all. Please check out the Team Shari website. There are some great items there! www (dot) teamshari (dot) org (slash) twilight **


	13. Voting is Open!

**Voting is Open!**

Yes, this is a fake out chapter to remind you to vote for _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ in the "For My Valentine" Twilight Fanfic contest. The poll can be found in Manyoffandom's profile. You can vote for your 5 favorite! And I'd feel more guilty about doing it except that I just updated today, and I can't guarantee another chapter before voting ends.

Thanks everyone who has taken time to R & R so far. You have no idea how much H & I loved writing this story.

.net/u/457649/manyafandom#

I'll add a link to Manyafandom's profile in mine. You can also get to it off the contest C2.

On a side note, we are planning to expand the story, and we've got some good stuff in the works so stay tuned!

www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net (slash) u (slash) 457649 (slash) manyafandom#


	14. People Get Ready

**LOVE NOTE:**

**Since tomorrow is Valentine's Day, I want to send a little love to my husband. Gone are the days of my own angst, replaced by unconditional support. I married a Jasper—he understands my moods and works within and around them. He keeps me in balance, returning calm. He has followed me where I needed to go and offered me a lifetime of passion and humor. He doesn't try to change me or control me. He just loves me. He might not always know it, but I'll take the reality over fiction any day.**

_Chapter 13: People Get Ready_

BPOV

My feet held strong until the elevator doors closed, and then it was sheer will that kept me upright. The knot in my throat threatened to explode into screams. Edward looked absolutely pathetic. How had I walked away from someone who seemed to need me so badly at that moment? I thought about where I'd been mentally the past few years and how I must have looked on the outside. Would a friend have walked away from me if I looked like that?

I figured he was just confused about having sex with me. He wasn't used to having conversations with the women he'd bedded. He would be fine once he got away from here. I had to justify it somehow because my sympathy for him did not mesh well with my anger. Besides, hadn't I just told him in so many words that I didn't want his pity? I wouldn't offer it to him either.

I wasn't entirely convinced that I could handle all this, but I was moving forward one step at a time. For now, I only had to make it back to my dad's room. I would figure out the next step when it was time to take it.

As promised, my dad was moved to a semi-private room that afternoon. Time flew by. I thought of Edward twice. The first was when my dad asked me again about how I was paying for the trip. I told him I had it covered. And I was, in fact, working on a plan. The second was when my dad fell asleep in the late afternoon. In the quiet room with _Judge Judy_ verbally castrating some moron in the background, Edward's face was all I could see. God, I loved that face.

It was getting pretty late before I realized a slight complication in strong the Bella routine. I didn't have a ride back to Forks. I thought about calling Edward to see if maybe he hadn't left, but I really didn't want to do that. I was just about to ask my dad if he had any friends I could call when the prettiest voice in the world echoed through the room.

"A little birdie told me you might need a ride." I turned slowly and locked eyes with the woman I didn't deserve to see right now.

So, the little birdie did fly away. He was gone, just like I'd asked. Somehow my heart sank and sang at the same time. My dad actually spoke first.

"Alice, it's so good to see you. I was just asking Bella about you the other day." I was still taking her in. She hadn't changed much. Her quirky style had morphed into something more chic, but it still stood out. She hadn't really aged, but her eyes were a little more weathered.

"Hi, Chief Swan. I'm so sorry about what happened. You gave Forks quite a scare. My mom said everyone is so relieved."

I was still in shock. I couldn't imagine what Edward must have said to get her to come here. She had to be so furious with me. I still hadn't said anything.

"So, do you need a ride, Bella?" Alice asked as she turned back to me.

"Well, actually, I do." I was looking at my hands resting in my lap.

Charlie looked confused. "Didn't you rent a car, Bella? How have you been getting here?"

Alice had kind of a smug look on her face, wondering what I was going to say.

"Another friend was here, Dad, but he had to leave."

"He again? Not telling me any more than that?"

"No right now, no," I said with finality.

"Oh fine, I'm just glad to have you here, so I won't pry." I always loved that about my dad. I realize it may not have always been the healthiest thing for me, but I loved it nonetheless.

"Thanks, Dad. I'll be back in the morning. I can call Ben or someone."

"Actually, Bella, I was planning to bring you back tomorrow. My mom is more than happy to have me spend the night."

"Oh, okay. Well then, you behave and get some rest," I said while hugging my dad. I didn't yet know how I felt about that much time with Alice. I was happy to see her but worried about what was to come.

Alice and I didn't say much on the way down to her car. Something about the public space of the hospital seemed to indicate that it was a neutral zone. Everything that needed to be said could wait. But I was dreading the car a little.

Once we exited the hospital doors, though, one thought slipped out of my mouth. "So, little birdie huh?"

"Yup!" she chirped.

"Edward?"

"It's always Edward, Bella."

"Alice I don t know what he said to get you to come, but I appreciate it more than I can ever tell you."

"All he said was that you needed a friend."

"And that was enough for you? After everything I did?" I was incredulous.

"Yes."

"How?"

"Because I love you, silly Bella." And I'd done everything I could to throw that love away. What a fool.

"I can't imagine why. I was so cruel. I said things I absolutely didn't mean and that you shouldn't have had to endure."

"And I suspect you're going to apologize for that right now, correct?" How could you not love this woman?

"Of course. I am so sorry, Alice. I was in a really bad place, and I deeply regret hurting you."

"I accept."

"It's that simple?" How could she do that? She didn't have to think about it, and she wasn't yelling at me to get revenge.

"Not exactly. There will be more, but we'll get there. You know me. I'm not one to get caught up in the past. I'd rather move toward the future."

"Well, I can't even process the present most of the time."

"Speaking of which, what prompted Edward to call me into your present?"

"Do we have to?" She was very good at leading discussions, and I was so hesitant to start talking about Edward for fear I'd lose the strength I'd gained.

"Yes. I think we do." I hoped she would back down, and I waited for her to let me off the hook, but she remained resolute.

"I slept with him Alice," I answered, giving in to her. I chose my euphemism carefully. It was the most neutral way to frame what happened. The truth was I didn't know what else to call it anymore.

"About time." I could barely fathom that Edward and I had been intimate, and she acted like it was something the world had been waiting for a long time.

"I keep forgetting everyone knows."

"Knows what?"

"That Edward and I were so close."

"You didn't know?" Her eyes left the road to look at me with a shocked expression on her face.

"We thought we hid it really well actually." I shrugged and waited. I noticed the corners of her mouth start to turn up, and then she bit her lip to hide it.

"Is it okay if I laugh?"

"I think it's probably fair." She didn't actually laugh, but she did let her smile loose.

"So, have you been in contact with him all this time?" There was something behind the question, but I wasn't quite sure what.

"For the most part. We didn't talk all that often, but yes, we've still been friends."

"It was just me you pushed away then?" She was looking at the road again, very intently.

"Oh Alice, I'm so sorry. I'm such a bitch. But no, actually, I withdrew from Charlie too, and while I talked to Edward, we were definitely drifting apart."

"But you completely cut off from me. Why?" She had every right to ask, but I don't think I was expecting it so soon. Maybe not having a plan for how to deal with this discussion was a good thing. All I had was the truth.

"Honestly? Jealousy I think. You seemed so happy, and I was miserable. I didn't mean to destroy your happiness, but I just couldn't handle being around it anymore."

She nodded. "Thank you for your honesty."

"You deserve nothing less."

And we were quiet for a little while absorbing what had been said so far. Leave it to Alice not to let a sleeping dog lie.

"So, you had sex with Edward, huh?"

"Yeah. Last night." Why did it feel like it had been years already? It didn't seem fair that something so good could be so fleeting.

"You had sex with Edward last night, and I'm here today. I'm thinking something must have happened between point A and point B. Bella, it sounds like you've got some more talking to do, and I have a few things to say myself. Any chance you'd invite me in for a bottle of wine?"

"I don't know if Charlie has any."

"That's easily remedied."

After a quick stop at the liquor store, we were back at my house. I froze the minute we walked in. That fucking couch taunted me.

"Do you mind if we head upstairs? We can hang out in my room with some music."

Alice was perceptive. She looked from me to the couch, smiled and nodded.

"Hey Alice, we've only talked about me so far. How's Jasper?"

"He's good, Bella. Really good. He just gets me, and I love him so damn much. It was like I was waiting my whole life just for him, and I knew the instant that I saw him, he was the one."

"I'm so happy for you. I really am, despite what I said before. I heard you were engaged. Is that right?"

"Oh my God! Yes!" She held up her hand to show off her ring. "He proposed last spring here in Forks actually. We were here for the weekend, and he got down on his knee in front of my parents and everything."

"It sounds perfect." And I meant it. I poured my sincerity into those three words.

"It really was, Bella. Anyway, the wedding is July, and I'm going to expect you to be a bridesmaid now."

"Alice, you can't be serious." And she held up her hand to stop me. I saw tears in her eyes.

"I already ordered your dress. I knew you were supposed to be in my wedding, but I just didn't know how to make it happen. Now you owe me for a ride," and she winked through the tears. I didn't know why I still mattered so much to this woman, but I had to make it up to her.

"I'll be there." I said quietly. I owed her for a whole lot more than a ride. I decided to change the direction of the conversation again to give myself a reprieve. "What are you two planning to do after graduation?"

"Well, I'm actually not going to be done for another year. Jasper graduated last year, and he's already teaching history. We were so glad when he was able to get a job in Seattle, so we'll probably stay put."

"Do you live together?"

"No, not officially anyway. I've been living with Rose since the start of last year, but I'm pretty much at Jasper's all the time."

I had a feeling Rose was not a good subject for me either, so again, I re-directed.

"Did you stay in theatre?"

"I did. I just fit there. I've always had a flair for the dramatic, of course. And everyone was a little eccentric, like me. Plus, I loved doing the design work, not just the clothes but the sets and everything too. I'm going to see if I can do professional work when I'm done, but I also decided to stay and get teaching licensure just in case. That's why I've got the extra year. What about you?"

"English. I'm planning on grad school in the fall, but I hadn't given much thought to where."

"I predict a return to the Pacific Northwest."

"Wanna bet?"

"You'll lose."

"I know." She was right. I knew it I would come back. If for no other reason than I refused to be that far from Charlie ever again.

"I think we're back to you now, Bella. As much as I like talking about me; I think you've got bigger fish to fry than I do right now. What happened with Edward?"

It was all the invitation I needed. I described my feelings for him, what led up to the sex, and what happened after. She listened.

"That's an awful lot to take in that quickly, Bella even for me, so it has to be overwhelming for you. What is bothering you the most?"

"Oh God, I don't even know. I mean, can you believe he somehow influenced who I dated?"

"Actually, yeah, I can. You remember when I said, 'it's always, Edward?'" I nodded. "Well, that's what I mean. Right from the beginning, he was the one who asked me to be his partner in English, and he paid for your ticket to that play we all went to. So, today was actually the second time he ensured we would reconnect."

"Damn."

"I know. It's a double edged sword isn't it? Meddlesome and controlling when you don't want it, but quite handy when you do." How did she do that? She cut to the chase in ways I never could. It was hard to stay mad at him when she put it like that, but it seemed the chase was more complicated than that. The line between helping people and altering the course of their life had to be clearer didn't it?

"Do you feel played? I mean he must have called you to assuage guilt he was feeling right?"

"I suppose a little, but I didn't come here for him, so it doesn't matter, you know? It wasn't like I didn't think about coming all on my own. As soon as I heard about Charlie, I wanted to call, but I just couldn't . . . So, it was more like a gentle push. You know, I remember after you moved to Phoenix, you once said something about feeling like your luck ran out. Maybe your luck had just moved to Chicago."

"Do you think he influenced more than my boyfriends?"

"I'm not sure, but it wouldn't really surprise me. There were things that just never really made sense. You know? Like how did things always seem to happen to Lauren on the days she was meanest to you?"

"I've wondered about that myself—like the day her car wouldn't start."

"Yeah, or do you remember the time she spilled her soda on your tray in the lunch line?"

"Yeah."

"Later that day she got caught skipping PE. Everyone skipped PE at some point, and I can't think of a single other time when anyone got caught. Isn't that odd?"

"I guess it is. Gah. I don't think I can process all those examples. I might short my wires today."

"It does bring up the Lauren issue though."

"I know. And at this point, I'd probably say that bothers me the most. Yes, I wanted him to love me, but I can deal with the fact that he doesn't. I'm not a lovesick puppy or anything. It was still good sex, you know?"

"I think so. Was it objectively good though, or was it particularly good because you love him?"

"Who knows? Both? But that he was with her that night too, even if nothing happened, it just makes me kind of sick. Seems like he was always using one of us for something. Maybe both if you think about it."

"From what you've said, I think that's true. But what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know, Alice. I have a lot of thinking to do."

She took a big breath and waited a second before saying, "And a lot of work to do."

I wasn't quite sure what she meant—not that I wasn't aware of the monumental task of managing my life that awaited me in Phoenix. She continued with a gentle tone.

"Bella, would you admit that you're depressed?"

I lifted my shoulders in defeat. "I don't think I have a choice anymore."

"I know things have been rough for you, but you made some very bad choices along the way, including the way you treated me." I started to open my mouth to apologize again, but she held her hand up. "Listen, it hurt. I won't lie about that. I was angry for a long time. But I also know you, and I had a pretty good idea where all that was coming from."

"I really can't understand why you aren't yelling at me right now."

"I did a little of that, but it's been a couple of years. I've had time to let it all soak in. The thing is, I knew you had some self esteem issues, and I was worried about you before you left. But you had to make your own mistakes, right? But no more. I will not go through that again, and I don't think you afford to go back to Phoenix without a plan."

"What do you mean?"

"You need help, Bella. Beyond what Charlie or I can offer you. I don't blame you. Of course the things that happened with your mom would have an impact on you, and your dad was great, but he kind of ignored the big stuff, didn't he?"

"Are you sure you're not a psych major?"

"Nah, just hanging out in the theatre department too long. Many of us have 'issues.'" We both laughed. And in the middle of it, I started crying. And I didn't stop for a very long time.

And then I just stopped. I didn't want to cry anymore. It was time for action.

"Will you help me look into it? To see what I need to do?"

"Of course, Bella."

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

There were tough decisions to be made. My gut told me to drop cut my losses for the semester and get transferred back to the local area so I could be closer to Charlie . . . and Alice. I could run down to Phoenix to clear out my personal effects, but what else would I lose really? I'm sure I could do an administrative withdrawal due to my dad being shot.

Charlie was fighting me tooth and nail on that. He argued that I had put too much time into my degree, and I was too close to the end. At this point, a transfer would probably mean an extra year in school at the very least.

Alice would not give advice. It was starting to drive me crazy. According the all knowing Alice, I had to make my own decisions and live with whatever consequences might ensue. That meant I had to take a second look before I leapt, so that I wouldn't end up in the kind of free fall I had when I left Forks in the first place.

I couldn't get Charlie to budge on dropping out mid-semester, and in the end it made sense to go back. Even if they granted me the withdrawal, I would still be out money for the semester. Plus, maintaining my student status was essential to paying Edward back.

Charlie was out of the hospital within days, and thankfully people were lined up at the door to help take care of him. I hated leaving him, but I knew I wouldn't be gone as long this time. In typical Charlie fashion, he really hadn't said much about my lack of contact over the last couple of years, and I appreciated the space. On the day I left, however, when I went to hug him, he held on a little tighter and a little longer than usual.

"Bella, you come back to me soon, you hear? I don't want to lose you again."

"I promise, Dad." And I hoped I wasn't lying.

The return trip to Phoenix was filled with dread. I didn't know if my new and improved outlook was really internally driven or if my geography and company had been the catalysts. I worried that once I stepped off the plane all of my old feelings would return, and I would find myself sinking back into my bitterness.

And I almost did. From the second I felt the dry heat, I wanted to turn around and get back on the plane, but I had to believe I could get through this. Two people were counting on me. More importantly, I was counting on me.

I missed a week of classes, and thankfully my professors were largely understanding. I managed to keep up on reading while I was gone, so that helped make a case for a little leniency with late papers.

The first order of business in my "get Bella back on track" plan was a trip to the financial aid office. I had not taken out the full amount of student loans I was allotted, and I decided that given the circumstances, I would have to take out more. I hated debt. It made me ill when I thought about paying it back, but I preferred owing Uncle Sam to owing Edward at that point. As soon as the money came in, I sent a check off to him. It was a cashier's check made out to his name. He couldn't get away with not cashing it because I'd already spent the money. I wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which I wrote,

"_Thank you. In spite of everything, I am grateful you came. Love, B."_

I included the cost of both our flights, his hotel, and car rental. I wanted to say more in the note, but it took me over an hour to state that much.

The second order of business was to follow through on Alice's directive. I called the university's counseling center right after I visited the financial aid office on the day I got back. My first appointment was a week later.

The third task was to get back to decision-making. I would make it through the end of this semester, but would I be able to handle another? Did I want to? People took longer than 4 years to get through college all the time. It was probably unusual that I was going to get through this fast at all, so what difference would a little extra time mean in the grand scheme of things?

On the other hand, I didn't look forward to another year of debt, and I would really enjoy the opportunity to get into graduate level work next fall. It didn't seem like there was an easy answer to that one.

It took me about a month to decide what to do about school. It was the convergence of three things that served as my light bulb moment so to speak.

Initially, I was slipping. I could feel it, but there were moments when I felt powerless to stop it. I was talking to my dad and Alice more often, but if I didn't talk to one of them for a couple of days, I would feel the sourness and depression hovering around me, waiting for a hole to slither in to.

Then, my dad sent me a ticket to come home for Thanksgiving, and just the thought of it was like a sealant. There were no cracks for the sadness to slip through. I figured that had to be a sign pointing me in the right direction.

Finally, Rosalie Hale asked me to move in with her.

**E/N: Thanks again to everyone still reading and to those of you who just started. If you haven't left a review yet, it would be a fabulous V-Day present to me to get a little love from you! Maybe take a moment to speculate about Rosalie and Bella. What will happen?**

**A special thanks to hmonster4 for always asking the right questions and for telling me when I suck.**

**Also here's a shout out to PurdueLiz again because I haven't been able to get this song out of my head since she talked about change coming, so it became the chapter title.**

**Last special note to Melissa223.** **I don't know what I did to deserve your support, but gosh darn it, I love you to pieces!**

**Finally, if you've read and loved BAT, you've got until the 14th at midnight to get your vote in. www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net (slash) ~manyafandom# **

**We'll be coming out with Chapter 1 of the expanded version after the contest ends, so stay tuned!**


	15. Love Stinks

**A/N: So many positive comments about strong Bella. She is definitely on a roll. It was very hard to come back to Edward this chapter, but here he is. Updates will probably be a little slower as I work though this and BAT, but that story is such a fun foil to this one. **

**I definitely appreciate everyone who is R & R'ing.**

**No claims on the characters.**

_Chapter 14__: Love Stinks_

EPOV

I couldn't stop thinking about her. And getting her out of my head was the only thing I wanted to do because she was taking up too much space; there didn't seem to be room for the two us up there.

There are all of those idiomatic expressions out there about the higher you are the harder you fall.

Yeah, well, the fall fucking sucked. I never fully appreciated what a lucky son of a bitch I'd always been. I couldn't recall ever not getting something I wanted. I didn't think I'd been sad a day in my life. Suddenly, though, nothing was going right, and it hurt.

I went through the motions with my classes, but they weren't quite as easy as they had been before I went to Forks. just a few days before. I couldn't focus or didn't care. The first assignment that I got back with less than an A on it shocked me, and it should have been a red flag of some sort, but I just tossed it in the trash can on the way out of the classroom. The grades just kept sliding though. I kept going to class because I knew that's what I was supposed to do, but somewhere along the line, I stopped hearing what was being said.

I listened to my classmates prattle on about nonsense like where they were partying that night and who was doing whom, and I wanted to stand up and scream at them. "You fucking idiots! I'm in love, and she doesn't want me! You're taking your whole easy lives for granted!" I wanted to tell my professors they were pompous asses who made us jump through hoops just because they could, and I understood that as well as anyone because up until very recently, I had a very similar mindset.

But I didn't. In fact, I never said anything at all. To anyone.

I developed a new habit. I shredded things. Napkins, magazines, even textbooks. Any paper product I could find, I played with it, tearing it into tiny pieces. I've really become quite talented with my hobby. It started haphazardly at the hospital . Wwhen Bella walked away from me. After the fact, I gathered that destroying the napkin that afternoon kept me sane, though I know sanity is relative. If that napkin hadn't been in front of me, I would have run after her and begged her to stay and listen. I would have cried and screamed and told her I loved her in front of all of those people. After she left, if the napkin weren't there, I might have thrown flipped the table upside downover or taken the butter knife in front of me and jammed it into my leg.

So, tearing and ripping and destroying became my escape. Some things could almost be considered art. I made shapes when I tore and then used the shavings to create new art. I hid it as best I could. At any given time I had a pocketful of paper remnants in my pocket so I could dump them in various places.

I started making collages of the shapes that were left over.

I reasoned with myself that I wasn't being self destructive, nor was I hurting anyone else with little obsession, so it was a socially acceptable way to deal with the pain.

Clearly, I lied to myself often.

Not long after I returned home, mail arrived from Bella. To say that I was excited when I saw that envelope would be like saying Chicago was windy. It was something so obvious and yet so understated at the same time.

I carried it from the mailbox back into my apartment in both hands as if were something breakable. Once in the privacy of my living room, I sniffed the envelope, hoping for just a whiff of her. Nothing on the outside. I sat down on my couch, and slowly opened the envelope, anxiously anticipating the prize within. As I lifted the flap, I caught the slightest trace of her smell. I closed my eyes, and remembered her hair on my face, and her hands exploring my body. I could have stayed there in that memory forever, but I knew it wasn't real. The letter was.

I pulled the contents out of the envelope, and something fell to my lap. A check.

A knot in the back of my throat fell several stories and landed with a thud in my stomach. I didn't want a goddamn check. It was for more than the cost of her flight. She was paying me back for my flight—to make it as if I'd never been there at all.

I almost didn't read the note. I wasn't sure I could bear it.

"_Thank you. In spite of everything, I'm glad you came. B."_

"In spite of," not "Because of." Further implication of her regret.

For about a minute and a half, I felt anger. How could she regret us? Would writing this check serve to write me out of her life? I pulled out my phone, and scrolled through my contacts until I came to her name. I was going to call her, to make her explain this to me.

But I never hit send. She didn't deserve my anger right now. Then I felt like a complete dick for being angery with her when I knew what all she had going on.

It was my fault anyway. All of it. Which mistake was biggest? Going to Washington? Having sex with her? Telling her about Lauren? Loving her? Pick a mistake, any mistake. Each one's a winner.

Life just got harder. The easiest tasks seemed monumental—getting out of bed, driving a car, eating. Nothing tasted good; nothing felt right.

I was intelligent enough to recognize that if I listed the symptoms, they would reflect a textbook definition of depression. I was sure if I read further down the page I'd find the treatments for the disease, but I didn't have the energy to do anything about it. That was something they never told you about depression. There's something slightly comfortable about wallowing. I wasn't sure I wanted to feel good anymore. I didn't think I deserved it.

I spent less time with my family. I holed myself up in my apartment when I wasn't in class. If asked what I did during that time, I probably wouldn't have an answer. Often, I literally did nothing. Hours passed for which I had no memory.

At first, my family gave me room to grow my self pity. They let me keep my distance, didn't insist I show up to every family function. They didn't call as often.

I didn't know how much my parents knew. I'd only told them a friend needed help, and that was why I was unreachable for a couple of days. I didn't think Emmett would tell them everything, but I wasn't talking to him or them enough to find out.

He called once in a while. We avoided the subject of Bella like the plague, and I assumed by then he had a better idea of what was happening in her life than I did. I resorted to the online version of the local Forks newspaper to learn that Charlie had recovered and even returned to light duty work only a few weeks after he'd been shot.

The postmark on the check had been Phoenix. She went back. I was worried. I had underestimated just how bad things were for her. I only hoped that my lack of self control hadn't made things worse for her.

Alice promised she would go to Bella. That was my only solace right now. If they could rebuild their relationship it would be an important step for Bella. Beyond that, I didn't feel like I had a role in the script anymore. She would have said more in her note. She would have called if she needed me. But there was no contact.

My dad was the first to attempt an intervention. It was at Thanksgiving. He didn't actually know how bad things were yet, but he was reacting to some kind of sixth sense. At that point, I thought I was still putting up a good front, so I didn't know what the problem was.

It was after dishes had been done. Coffee was brewing, and mom was cutting pies. Emmett was napping on the couch.

"Edward, did you get all your applications in?"

"Yes." I avoided eye contact. I had put the applications in, but given that they required updated transcripts, I wasn't sure who would come through with an acceptance letter.

"Good. What is your top choice?"

I shrugged. I didn't care really. None of it much mattered anymore.

"Is something wrong, son?"

I looked up and feigned surprise. "No, why would you say that?"

"Nothing really. It's just.… You haven't seemed yourself lately, and you barely ate anything today.?"

"I'm getting over a bug or something," I lied.

"Oh? wWhat were your symptoms?" He walked over to check me out a little more closely.

"No, I just wasn't feeling well. I'll be okay."

"I see. Well, you know we're here if you need anything, right?"

"Of course, dad."

I had a reprieve for a while after that. I'd always been scarce in the space between Thanksgiving and finals week. In the past, I'd been so busy studying that everyone just stayed away from me. This time, I spent my time aimlessly. Shredding paper, looking out the window, and sleeping.

I passed my classes, but my grades took a turn for the worse. I promised myself that I would do better second semester, and I committed to shaking myself out of this funk over the break. I'd hang out with Emmett in the city, or call up an old girlfriend to help me forget.

But I never did. Emmett knew too much; he'd ask questions. And I knew another woman would have no affect on my memory, except to remind me of Bella calling me out for sex being too easy.

Instead, I accepted an invitation to hang out with some of those idiotic classmates and got completely obliterated. We went to one of those trendy clubs where the women all dressed to kill, and the guys watched to see who was getting drunkest, hoping to get laid.

I sat at the table and drank. And drank. Round after round. I laughed. I enjoyed the numb, until I go so drunk the emotions took over. I would have sat at the table with a pile of napkins, but one of the guys dragged me to the crowded dance floor. A girl wearing jeans so low I could see her ass crack was all over me. She pulled me in close and slid up and down me. I was choking back disgust.

She followed me back to the table and sat on my lap. She licked my ear and rubbed her tits against me. I think I made out with her for a while, and who knows what would have happened if I hadn't ended up praying to the porcelain gods for a ½ hour in the bar bathroom. Sometime in the middle, I wasn't sure if I was puking because I as drunk or because the toilet itself made me sick.

I crawled home sometime in the wee hours of the morning, and I crashed. Hard.

I'd never actually been hung over like this before. A headache or a little overtired here and there, but this was a whole other ballgame. I couldn't figure out why anyone would want to do it more than once. My own smell disgusted me. I braved a glass of water and some Tylenol and hoped I'd be able to keep it down.

Then I went to do something about the smell. When I came out, I was faced with intervention #2.

Emmett.

"Damn man, every time I see these days, you look like ass."

"Thanks," I said facetiously. "To what do I owe your pleasure?"

"Came to see if you wanted to hang today, but it looks like the only hanging you'll be doing is over. Since we do you get shit faced anyway?"

"Since last night."

"Who'd you go out with?"

"Just some people from class. No one you know."

"Edward, sit down." The statement was abrupt and it caught me off guard, but I did as directed.

"Look, we're worried about you. Dad called. He asked me to come over. I thought he was overreacting, but now I'm not so sure. Do you eat these days?"

"Some," I answered indifferently.

"Your house apartment is a sty. I've never seen it like this."

"Are you the neat police these days?"

"No, I don't give a shit what kind of filth you live in, but it's not you. None of this is you. Don't tell me this is still about that Bella."

"Okay, I won't."

"Seriously?"

"It's really not anything. I'm just in a funk. And right now, my head is pounding, so I'm sorry I'm not all sunshine and roses." I backed off a little. I didn't really want him digging into the Bella situation. He already knew more than I was comfortable with.

"So, Emmett, how are things with Rosalie. Did she forgive you for the phone number thing?"

"Um, yeah she did." He got very quiet.

"What?" I asked.

"It's nothing. Just Rose is good. She's getting a new roommate soon. Alice is moving in with her fiancé."

"Did you think about going out there now?" I was grateful to have him momentarily sidetracked.

"Well, yeah. Actually, I'm looking for someone to sublease my place. But we decided not to do the whole living together thing just yetShe really wanted me too, but I've got some shit I need to get together first, so I'm waiting until my lease is up. We've barely been in the same state at the same time. It just seemed like it would be pushing things too fast Besides, I wouldn't have been ready to move in with her yet anyway. Too much, too fast since we've barely been in the same state at the same time. "

"Makes sense," I appeased. There was an awkward pause, something Emmett and I had probably never experienced before.

"Have you talked to her?" He asked getting back on track.

I shook my head and looked out the window. I wish I had a fucking piece of paper right now.

"You're not going to talk about it, huh? You're a pussy, Edward."

"Lovely sentiment."

"You know what I mean. Since when do you pull this crap? Just call her if you miss her."

"You're off the mark, man. Just let it be." I decided to go with a lie. He wouldn't believe me, but maybe he'd get off my back a little. "It's not all about her."

Neither of us said anything for a while. He walked around the room, picking things up and looking at them. When he got to my dining room table, he stopped and examined the contents.

"Is this art?"

"Something like that."

"A project for class?"

"Sort of."

"It's kind of fucked up, but interesting too." He kept turning his head in different directions to look at my shreddings from different angles. I didn't like it. It was as if he had my brain in his hands, and he were poking and prodding it, deciding whether I werewas sane or not. I had a feeling he was leaning toward not, but finally, he said, "hmph," and moved on to something else.

He was thinking about something so hard, he almost looked pained. He opened his mouth to say somethingspeak several times, but he kept stopping before any sound came out. I watched him out of the corner of my eyes or from under my eyelashes because I kept my head down the whole time.

Finally, he sat down in front of me.

"Edward, Bella's moving to Seattle. I just thought you should know. She's the roommate moving in with Rosalie."

Did I want to know this? I didn't want to hear her name. I didn't want to think about happy Bella with friends and a new apartment and happy in Seattle, still not needing me.

On the other hand, it gave me some peace to know she was doing okay. It was good she would be back near Alice and Charlie. I couldn't begrudge her that.

"Rosalie, huh?"

"Listen, I'm not really supposed to talk with you about Bella. I'm supposed to keep out of the whole thing, and I am definitely not allowed to be any kind of go between. Strict orders from Rosalie, but I had to tell you that much."

"Thanks, I think."

"You wanna get something to eat?" He did a quick change of subject.

I didn't want to . I wasn't hungry, but I didn't want to leave him hanging. He went out on a limb to share this with me, so I threw on some jeans, brushed my teeth, and ate a burger with him. The iron helped my hangover some.

After he left, I sat at my table, and worked on my art. And I thought about Bella. I got angry again. Damn her and her ability to walk away. Screw her happy homecoming. I loved her for crying out loud, and it was about time she knew it.

I pulled my phone out and pulled her name up again. This time, I hit send.

She didn't pick up. I feared she was screening calls. I lamented caller id. I couldn't just hang up and try again later without her knowing that I had tried to call.

So, I swallowed my pride and left a message.

"Hi, Bella. It's Edward. I have too much to say for this message, but I wanted you to know I'm sorry things got so messed up. I know you regret our night together, but I don't. It was beautiful; you're beautiful. I miss you and I don't want to lose you over this. Please call me back." I worried my tone may have been too insistent, but this was my one shot.

I shut my phone, and then I went to the bathroom and threw up the stupid hamburger.

**E/N: Okay, put on some "Walking on Sunshine" or "Don't Worry, Be Happy" or something to life your spirits. There was no way for me not to juxtapose her happiness with his downward spiral, but this should be the last chapter of either of them completely wallowing in self pity. Doesn't mean no conflict. **

**Thanks to hmonster4. I think I would have thrown in the towel if it weren't for you.**

**So, Bella's back up next. What do you think Rose has to say to her? What will she think of Edward's phone call? **


	16. Home

_**A/N: **_**Thank you so much for the reviews and welcome to some new readers since last chapter. I thought Edward's wallowing was going to get me kicked to the curb. I didn't originally plan to have him call her so soon, but the previous reviews swayed me, so see reviews do make a difference! I hope you enjoy more of Bella getting back on track this chapter.**

**No claims on the characters . . .**

**Sorry for the glitch. Had to take down the earlier version. I officially hate word and its inability to take out the mark ups. Thanks so much Lucette for pointing out the error!**

_Chapter 15—Home_

BPOV

I knew going home for Thanksgiving would have consequences. Losing the hours at work would be tough, and I was looking forward to getting ahead of the game before the usual onslaught of assignments between Thanksgiving and finals week. I had to weigh which would be worse for my mental health. Both my new counselor and I felt that going home was more important than the money.

I had a feeling my checking account wouldn't agree with me when I got back, but a part of me was also anxious to see my dad and Alice, and I thought being home would help me with all the decision making I was working on.

I was able to take off Wednesday afternoon, so even though it was a late night, I really did count my blessings when I woke up in my dad's house on Thanksgiving Day.

Alice's family had invited my dad and me over for the day. It ended up being quite a shindig. They had a number of aunts, uncles, and cousins. I managed to whip together a pumpkin praline pie, and Charlie took a bottle of wine.

Honestly, the day was difficult. I wasn't yet used to being around so many people at once. I hadn't practiced the art of small talk in many years. Not that I'd ever been all that good at it.

I drank a little more wine than usual, and that helped ease some of my tension.

In the late afternoon as everyone relaxed with full bellies, awaiting seconds or pie. The door opened, and Rosalie Hale breezed in.

I hadn't seen her since high school. Of course, I knew she and Alice were still friends; Alice had caught me up to date on everything her life. And Edward had told me about her and Emmett.

I wasn't prepared to see her though. She was still absolutely beautiful. Maybe even more so. I remembered thinking of her and Alice as women on the verge of something. And there it was. Perfection.

She scoped the room and met my eyes for a second. I didn't like what I saw. She hated me. I spent the rest of the afternoon avoiding her. On the main floor of the Brandon house, one room flowed to the next, so I just kept circling, moving from room to room whenever I noticed Rosalie approach.

I was doing so well, but near the end of the day, she tricked me by going in the opposite direction. On my umpteenth circuit, I practically bumped into her as I left the kitchen on the way to the dining room.

"Hi Bella. Long time no see," she said while looking me up and down.

"Rosalie, you look great." I thought a compliment might help me.

"Step outside with me." It wasn't a request, and I knew it.

The house was warm from all of the people and the oven running, so at first, the cold air was a welcome change. I started to speak before the front door was shut, but Rosalie whipped around and stopped me.

"Bella, I need to say this. I will only say it once, and it'll be done. I love Alice like nobody's business. She's really the only friend I've ever had. You've dumped her twice, and I will not have that again. Now, I never disliked you. Thought you were a little stuck up or something, but I think we got along okay in high school. And I could have seen us as friends. I don't know; maybe we still can be. But I swear to you right now that if you hurt Alice again, I will destroy you. So, if you think there's a chance you might go all 'poor Bella' and disappear this time, you better do it now before she's too far in to fix."

You definitely couldn't say Rosalie wasn't loyal.

"I'm sorry, Rosalie. I really have been a crappy friend to Alice. I have no idea why she wants me back in her life. I don't deserve it, but I will never take it for granted again."

"Smart move."

The silence that followed was uncomfortable, especially since the cold was no longer welcome. I crossed my arms in front of me, and my teeth started to chatter. Something she said was gnawing at me.

"Rosalie, you said something about thinking I was stuck up. You really thought that?"

"Sure. You never really gave me the time of day."

"But look at you. Why would think I was better than you?" She didn't hesitate in her response.

"Because Alice loved you more."

"That's not true." I was incredulous.

"Wow, Bella, you really haven't ever been very perceptive have you?"

She didn't have a tendency to mince words, and I'd never really been on the receiving end of her brutal honesty. It was painful and enlightening at the same time. I knew she wasn't just talking about Alice. Surely, she'd spoken with Emmett about my relationship with Edward. So, what was the use in protesting?

"No, I guess I haven't been. I never realized how selfish I must have seemed to other people. It's kind of funny. I always thought you were the stuck up one."

She gave me an odd look, rolled her eyes, and said, "I was." And then she laughed. I couldn't help but join her.

It wouldn't be fair to say Rosalie and I became instant best friends, but we planted a seed. If we remembered to water it, I was pretty sure it had a good chance to grow into something beautiful.

The rest of Thanksgiving weekend flew by. Friday, I met Jasper. Alice got a group of people together to go out to some local hangout. I watched Jasper most of the evening trying to assess whether I thought he was good enough for Alice. Not that I really had a say so in the matter.

It was one thing to see him on his own. He was incredibly handsome. I'm not sure if I can do him justice. His look was both softer and harder than Edward's. Where Edward always carried an element of confidence which steeled him against the world, Jasper seemed to be more open, more humble. He fed off other peoples' emotions, reading them and reacting. At the same time, his features were sharper and more defined in a way.

He was most definitely an "old soul." I recognized it at once because people always said the same thing about me.

So he made a good first impression, but in the end that wasn't what determined his final grade in my book. It was watching him with Alice. The way they interacted was like nothing I'd ever seen. They had entire conversations with their faces. He adored her. He could barely take his eyes off her, but it wasn't possessive; it was as if he were afraid to miss a moment.

I was incredibly nervous about the prospect of talking to him alone. After the Rosalie discussion, I had a feeling I would be in for another warning. Thankfully, the table stayed fairly full all evening, and the banter kept flowing. I even joined in. Rosalie sat next to me, and we had some laughs remembering Alice's crazier outfits in high school.

At some point, I broke the seal, and then of course, frequent bathroom breaks were a must. On one such occasion, I came out to find Jasper waiting for me.

"Hi Bella."

I swallowed hard. "Hey."

"Bella, I sense you're uncomfortable around me, and I wanted to assure you, there's no reason to be. I like you, and I'm glad you're back in Alice's life."

"Really? Rosalie threatened my life yesterday." I was starting to think Rosalie was more right about my perceptiveness than I thought. People were constantly amazing me these days.

"Yes, well Rosalie deals with things her way right?"

"Yeah, that's definitely true. But I feel the need apologize anyway. You had to have a negative impression of me."

"On the contrary, Alice never said anything but good things about you. She told me that you had a lot going on, and I accepted that. Besides, I would do anything for her and that includes welcoming her friends."

"You're a good man, Jasper. She's lucky to have you." I smiled, but he concentrated for a second before responding.

"Luck isn't something you have or don't have. It's what you make of it, and we're going to make lots of it."

No questions remained as far as Jasper was concerned.

Rosalie was the sober cab for the night, and somehow I was the last stop on the route.

"How's Emmett?"

"He's a shit, but I love him."

"Why do you say that?" She turned the volume down so she could be better heard.

"Because he won't move back. If there were any hope I'd ever get over him, I'd kick him to the curb now."

"No chance, huh?"

"Nah, I'm in it for the long haul."

"Why do you think he's not moving back?"

"Well, up until now, I think it's been fear. And of course, his connection to his family. Well, you know . . ."  
"And now?"

"He claims he will come when his lease is up in the spring, but we've got a perfect opportunity now, and he won't take it."

I just looked at her and shook my head, showing my confusion.

"Didn't Alice tell you? They found a little fixer upper house that was in foreclosure. The price is right, so they can't resist. I totally understand, but it leaves me with an apartment and a lease I can't handle on my own. I really put the pressure on Emmett, but he claims he can't make the move just yet."

"He didn't give a reason?"

"Oh sure, something about 'shit to take care of.' Actually, I kind of get it. He's been floundering a little since he graduated, and I'm thinking he wants to come here with guns blazing so to speak. Knowing Emmett, he's going to want to show he can really provide, and I can respect that. Doesn't mean I'm not miffed though."

"I can see that."

"So, what about you?" I had a feeling she was skirting an issue which wasn't like her. I decided to go straight to the heart of it.

"I haven't talked to Edward if that's what you're asking. And I think maybe it's for the better, you know? I need to get my shit together too, so to speak, and right now spending too much time thinking about him just confuses me. I'll save that for therapy." I threw in a quick laugh so it didn't get uncomfortable "I don't know what Alice or Emmett have told you. So, I'll answer any questions you might have, but then I'd kind of like to make the subject off limits."

"Shoot Bella, I was just wondering where you were planning to live, but now you've got me curious."

"Oops."

"Nah, I knew it was in issue. Emmett and I got a good laugh about the whole high school secret friendship thing."

"Seems to be a pretty common joke these days."

She shrugged. "So I take it there was a more than friendship moment in there somewhere?"

"Something like that."

"Well, I won't bug you about it, and I'll make sure Emmett stays out of it if you want."

"I'd appreciate that. "

"Who'd have thought we'd be here talking about those damn Cullen boys this many years later?" We giggled like the girls I always hated.

"And to answer your actual question. I'll be moving back to the area—probably Seattle, but I'm not sure when. It's kind of complicated with school. Don't tell anyone, but I put in some applications."

"I think that would be good for you."

We had pulled up to my house by then. I was getting ready to thank her and get out when she said, "Oh what the hell. Bella, I um have an extra room in my apartment now. Seems like it would be tough for you to apartment hunt from Phoenix, and I don't really want to put an ad in the paper or anything. "

"You're asking me to move in? Yesterday, you hated me."

"I didn't. I warned you. Big difference. And we don't have to be best friends to be roommates. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement, right?"

And it was. It made sense in a very odd way.

"Let me think about it. Can I have a week? I figure I have to make my final decisions by then."

"Sure. They don't close on their house until the end of December, so it would be after the holidays anyway."

"It's almost too perfect."

"Maybe your luck is changing." And I remembered what Jasper said.

"I think it is." I would make sure of it.

XXXXXX

It didn't take a full week to decide. One more time saying goodbye to Alice and Charlie, one more time stepping off the plane, and I was good to go. Literally.

Getting through my days was so much easier knowing that I only had a few weeks left in this godforsaken city. And I began to look at everything differently. Maybe if I'd come at a different time, or not alone, I could have liked the desert landscape, would have enjoyed the cracked atmosphere.

But now there were too many bad memories. I doubted I would ever find myself on this soil again.

Charlie was still concerned about how leaving in my last semester would affect me, but I'd learned that most colleges require only the last 30 hours in residence. Of course, I would also lose some credits in the transfer, but it looked like I would lose no more than a year. I could live with that.

It wasn't as difficult to get things set up as I thought it might be. With Rosalie's offer on the table, really the only thing I had to worry about was finding a job once I got there.

And I looked forward to that. The day I gave my two week's notice, I skipped to work. I planned to ride off into the sunset flipping that place, the other waitresses and Little Daddy, the big bird as I went. Not something I did often, but somehow the image fit in this case.

But on my last night, Little Daddy gave me some "love pats" for old time's sake and told me how much he'd miss my "sweet ass" around here. I held it in through both of those things. When he "accidentally" felt me up though, I lost it.

"Listen you dirty bastard, no one likes this. You are not sexy or appealing to any of the women here. You deserve a sexual harassment lawsuit, but that's not how your justice will come. No, someday, you're going to piss off the wrong woman, and she won't follow legal channels. She'll stick a knife in your dick or pour hot grease down your pants. It won't be me because I don't think you're worth the loss of a good knife."

We were in the kitchen, and everyone was staring, even the dishwashers and cooks who didn't speak English knew what was going down. He was shaking in embarrassment. My shaking was in anger. I had a feeling he would lash out, so I stopped him.

"I think my shift is over early." I caught a smile from a couple of the giggly girls. I doubted my rant would leave a lasting impression on Little Daddy, but maybe there would be a reprieve for them, or maybe it would inspire them to stand up for themselves.

Damn, I felt good.

On the bus ride home, I reached for my phone. I couldn't wait to tell someone about how good I felt. I came within seconds of pressing the "2" key, which was programmed to speed dial Edward. I wanted to share this with him. I knew he'd be proud of me.

For reasons I honestly couldn't explain, I hit "3" instead. Alice squealed with delight at my "girl power" story.

XXXXX

How 3 years of my life had moved so slowly when 3 months were gone in the blink of an eye, I'll never understand.

I'd barely exhaled from Ben's phone call telling my Charlie had been shot when I was moving in with Rosalie. I'd sent some things from Phoenix in boxes, but I didn't have much there anyway.

Finding a job wasn't that difficult. Someone, somewhere is always hiring a waitress. This time, I went with a chain, hoping for better management policies.

By the middle of January, I was employed, registered for classes, moved, and admittedly, exhausted from the whirlwind adventure.

Alice insisted that she, Rosalie, and I all go out to celebrate. Since they were both dating, the goal of the evening seemed to be to hook me up. Every time one of them got up to get a drink, they came back with a guy who asked me to dance.

I'd avoided thoughts of men and dating entirely. Having a line of guys asking me to dance reminded me why I adopted that policy. The attempt to hook me up brought Edward to the forefront of my mind.

For a couple of hours, I resisted and threatened to leave if Alice and Rosalie kept up their game. But the later it got and the more I drank, the less I resisted. What better way to push Edward out of my mind than to dance with strangers and have them contorting themselves to try to cop a feel or rub up against me. It was oddly flattering. I didn't feel like the poster child feminist when I made that realization.

They both laughed their asses off when I told them I'd never been to a club like this. In fact, the night we'd gone out over Thanksgiving was the first time I'd even gone to a bar. It was ridiculous. I'd been of age a long time, but I never had anyone to go with.

"You really didn't have any friends there?" Rose asked incredulously.

"Not really. I dated a guy for a while the first year, but I never hung out with his friends."

"That's pretty sad, Bella." Alice said, grabbing my hand.

"No, we are not doing poor Bella tonight. I'm having too much fun! But make a list, and I'll remember to bring it up with my new therapist next week."

"Bella!" Alice yelled, but Rose was in an all out guffaw.

"Oh Alice, let her be. Let the girl have some fun."

And that I did.

On the way home, we sang along badly to 90's music arguing whether _Backstreet Boys_ or _'Nsync_ were better. Alice vehemently argued that neither could hold a candle to the original, _New Kids on the Block_. I countered that if you were really arguing for the original, then you had to put Menudo in the mix.

We were laughing at aging boy band members when a beep interrupted us. We all scrambled to grab our phones.

The car was instantly silent. The only sound I heard was 'Backstreet's back, alright" coming from the radio. I couldn't take my eyes of my display.

"Whose was it?" Rosalie asked, putting her phone away.

"Not mine. That leaves you Bella." She turned to face me while Rosalie looked up in the review mirror to look at me. I think my expression caused some concern.

"Are you alright, Bella? Who was it?"

I looked up at both of them. "I missed a call. From Edward."

I didn't miss the look they exchanged. "Is there a message?"

I'd been too busy staring at the "missed call" screen to notice the new mail icon at the top. "Oh, yeah, there is one."

Everyone was quiet, and Rose turned the radio down while I punched the right buttons to get me to the message.

"Hi, Bella. It's Edward. I have too much to say for this message, but I wanted you to know I'm sorry things got so messed up. I know you regret our night together, but I don't. It was beautiful; you're beautiful. I miss you and I don't want to lose you over this. Please call me back."

I don't know if I could count how many emotions ran through me.

"Well?" They were both expectant, and I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to react.

I put the phone on speaker and played the message again, holding the phone up for both of them to hear.

"Damn," Rosalie said at the conclusion.

"What should I do?" I pleaded with them for answers.

Alice was the thoughtful one, "What do you want to do?"

Rose was a woman of action, "Call him back."

"It's so late. His call came in hours ago."

"Bella, that was a big freakin' step. If you left someone that message, would you want to go all night without hearing back?"

She made a good point, and I looked at Alice to see if she had a counter argument. She didn't. She nodded toward Rosalie and shrugged.

"Do you miss him?"

"Yes."

"I think you have your answer."

The awkward thing was that I had never been around people to know what the etiquette was. I didn't want to call in front of them, so I waited until we got back to the apartment. Alice was having a sleepover, so I felt bad when I said I was going to my room. They seemed to understand. I wouldn't have put it past them to have a glass up against the door trying to listen, but I didn't really have anything to hide from them at this point anyway.

My hand literally shook as I rested my finger on that "2" key. I tried to prepare a message in my head in case he didn't answer. I sort of hoped he wouldn't.

Of course, he did. He answered on the 2nd ring. He didn't sound groggy, but I asked anyway.

"Did I wake you?"

"Not at all."

"I'm sorry to call so late, but I just got your message, and I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you."

"I'm glad you called. I wouldn't have cared if you'd woken me up." All of my confidence was gone. The only response I had was lame.

"How are you, Edward?"

"Umm, okay, I guess. You?"

"I'm good actually. Much better. I'm in Seattle. Did you know?"

"Yeah, Emmett told me, but don't say anything to Rosalie; I don't want to get him in trouble."

I laughed. He sounded off somehow though. I still didn't know what to say. Again, I sort of wished he hadn't picked up.

"Bella, are you still mad at me?" I inhaled sharply at the abruptness of the question.

"Not really. I'm still confused about a lot of things though." I wanted to see his face, to know how he was reacting to all of this. "So much was said and done, but I meant it when I said I don't think it's irreparable. I still value your friendship."

"We're still friends, then?"

"Yes, Edward, we'll always be friends."

"I see." I couldn't place meaning behind the statement, but it definitely wasn't relief.

"What?" I asked.

"I don't know. I just don't know if that's enough anymore."

**E/N: I wanted to remind you about the auction to benefit one of my ChiWi sisters that starts next week. There are some fabulous Twilight items there. Visit www (dot) teamshari (dot) org (slash) auction **

**As always love to hmonster4. You keep me sane in this whole process. And now I feel hip with my new song** **list. **

**So what's Bella gonna do? What happens next?**

**E/N: I wanted to remind you about the auction to benefit one of my ChiWi sisters that starts next week. ****There are some fabulous Twilight items there. Visit www (dot) teamshari (dot) org (slash) auction **

**As always love to hmonster4. You keep me sane in this whole process. And now I feel hip with my new song** **list. **

**So what's Bella gonna do? What happens next?**


	17. Emotions

**A/N: I have to remind you all one more time about the Team Shari auction for a friend who was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Visit www (dot) teamshari (dot) org (slash) twilight for more information and to bid on some great items!**

_Chapter 16 - Emotions_

EPOV

I didn't regret saying it. There really aren't any "take backs" in communication anyway. Once it's out there, it's out there. But as soon as I said it, I heard her sigh. And I had a feeling I knew what was coming.

"Edward, can we just not go there yet?" Her voice was very small, and for the first time since I saw her sitting on the bench in the Port Angeles hospital, I felt that strong pull to protect her. "I'm just not ready."

It pained me. I swallowed hard. I hated crying, and I was sick of tears falling. Whatever was welling up in the back of my throat be damned. I would not cry on this conversation. I could handle this so many ways. I could force the issue, making her talk about our feelings for each other. Pressing her to tell me once and for all where I stood. I might not like the answer, but I wouldn't be just waiting anymore.

Would it break her again though? I couldn't be responsible for that. I couldn't cause her any more pain. This time protecting her meant giving her the space she needed.

"Whatever you want, Bella." I swallowed more than I anticipated in that moment though. I felt it. Potential? My confidence? A dream? I don't know. I just felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness.

The funny thing is. I welcomed empty. It beat the pants off destitute. I clung to empty. Unfortunately, emotions wanted to fill that spot.

I made a decision going forward. I had to hide the state I was in better. Before Forks, I played roles wherever I went. It would be no different now. I would simply act like I was a functioning human being. No one needed to know that I had two primary emotions driving me constantly: anger and sadness. It was such an odd combination, and there was no rhyme or reason to which one dominated at a given time.

Sometimes, the whole thing just pissed me off. Had I done anything so incredibly wrong? How long could she hold the past against me?

One afternoon I got so worked up, I almost hopped a plane to Seattle. The only thing that stopped me was that I couldn't find a way for the conversation to go well.

"_Bella, this is bullshit. I deserve a chance."_

"_I gave you plenty of chances."_

"_When?"_

"_What do you mean when? Forever."_

"_I don't think that's fair, Bella. Yes, we had flashes all throughout our relationship, but when did you ever come clean with me? How was I supposed to know how you felt? So, when exactly did you give me a chance?"_

"_How about when we had sex?"_

"_Give me a break! Since the moment you left that couch, you've been running scared. So, you most definitely did not give me a chance then either."_

That was probably not going to solve anything.

I imagined a different approach.

"_Bella, I love you. Please give me a chance."_

"_I don't know, Edward. It's all so confusing. I'm still not sure how I feel about you manipulating things in my life."_

"_Everything I did was because I cared about you. I couldn't see it for what it was then. I just wanted things to be easier for you. So, I put things in motion."_

"_About that, what all did you do?"_

Nope, I didn't want to have that conversation either. Our relationship was too fragile to come clean on the entire past.

I couldn't find a trap door. So, I never hopped a plane, and I didn't call her again either. It felt a little like we were back to square one. Almost like déjà vu.

She sent me an email about a week after our phone conversation. A fucking email. It was one of those, "Hi, how are you doing. I'm fine, and I'm trying to avoid saying anything real" kind of emails. In the last few months, I'd noticed Bella was a master at avoiding real issues.

I couldn't fault her for that. I'd been doing it my whole life too. I was just jealous she was better at it than I was.

I found anger easier than sadness. I started gravitating toward It more often. My shredded art took on new directions as the emotions ebbed and flowed. Sadness sometimes crippled me, but my motivation stayed higher on angry days.

Operation fake out seemed to be working though. No more interventions from my parents or Emmett. We all got together every Sunday for dinner, and my mom was in heaven. If they had any questions about whether I was back to normal or not, no one ever let on.

Emmett brought it up only one time, shortly after the tragic phone call.

"Hey, I heard you called Bella."

"Good news travels fast."

"Yeah . . . well . . . you know."

"I suppose I do." I couldn't get used to the fact that I had no secrets anymore. "Anyway, yes, I did."

"Good for you. How'd it go?"

"It was fine, Emmett. We're friends again."

"Friends huh?"

"Yes, friends. She wants to maintain our friendship."

"Ah. Well, anyway, you seem like you're doing better, so I'm glad you're back in touch with her."

And that was the end of it. I didn't care what meaning he took away from that conversation. All that mattered to me was that it had appeased him. I had made my play. That had been his concern from the beginning. He didn't want me to sit back doing nothing. He couldn't make that argument anymore, so I was safe.

I was also off the hook because family focus shifted to Emmett. He came clean about Rosalie in March. That was one of my numb days, which was good. I had the wherewithal to help diffuse my mom's cadre of emotions. If the sadness or anger came out, I tended to have to bow out of social situations, and I needed to be there for this.

Within the space of ten minutes, my mom learned her son had been in love for years and was moving away to Seattle in a few short months.

I thought for sure the moving part would dominate her reaction. She worked so hard to keep us all together. Emmett leaving was a slap in the face of well maintained plans. She'd barely had a chance to get over both of us having our own apartments for crying out loud. So, I put my energy there.

"Mom, you always liked the pacific northwest didn't you? And Dad, aren't you thinking about working half time next year? I'll be you can spend a lot of time visiting Emmett."

My mom glanced at me briefly. Her expression was unreadable, but then she put on this sickly sweet grin. "Yes, of course, Edward." And then she turned to Emmett, "And will we be able to spend some time with Rosalie when we're there?"

She scared me a little in that moment. She seemed Stepfordish. I thought perhaps she was getting ready to blow, and my mom just didn't lose control.

"Well, yeah, sure." Emmett was having a hard time looking at anyone directly.

"Oh good. I do remember her being a lovely girl, though a bit brusque, no?"

"I guess. I think you just have to get used to her. She's really great." He was practically squirming in his chair. If the tension hadn't been so palpable in the room, it might have been funny to watch.

"I'm glad you think so, Emmett. I'm very happy for you. And I would very much appreciate the opportunity to get used to her, as you say. It's unfortunate I haven't been able to get to know her all these years." She took a sip of coffee, and her face returned to the same grin.

Ah, I'd taken the entirely wrong approach. She was clearly feeling left out. Offended. I could see that now. We were such a "close" family. This was the first my mom was learning that we kept secrets. It had been an incredible shock for me a few months ago as well.

I checked my dad's reaction. We locked our gaze for a second, and then he actually laughed. Both mom and Emmett turned to him, completely shocked.

"Oh for crying out loud. Everyone lighten up. This is all good news right?" But I noticed he didn't look at my mom. "So, do you have a job lined up yet Emmett?"

Emmett took a relieved breath. "I have some things in the works, Dad. A guy I played ball with in college works in the Seahawks front office, and I've got an in there in the marketing department. I'm meeting with some people there in a couple of weeks."

"That sounds very promising, doesn't it dear?" my dad asked my mom.

Her expression had softened some, but the grin was still there. "Where will you be living, Emmett?"

"I thought I'd do some apartment hunting while I was out there for the job search."

"Will Rosalie be living with you?" She rested her elbows on the table and clasped her hands in front of her. She set her chin on the table she created.

"No, she just got a new roommate. Do you remember Bella Swan?"

"The police chief's daughter?" My dad asked.

I did not miss the fact that at the mention of Bella's name, my mom's eyes got wide, and she looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

"Yeah. She just moved back from Phoenix. Anyway, we're not ready to live together yet."

"Thank goodness for that," my mom said smugly.

I don't know what made me do it. Swept up in the moment I suppose. Maybe a last shot at valor. I could save Emmett from the awkwardness of the situation. Plus, why not cover it all in one fell swoop.

"So, Emmett, feel like looking for a 2 bedroom?" I tried to show no emotion.

I felt the heat of 6 eyes on me.

"I got accepted to med school out there, myself. Remember what we said, Emmett? You go, I go?" His jaw dropped briefly, but then his expression softened.

My mom's smile faded. I thought she was going to cry, but instead, she threw her hands up in the air and shook her head.

"What the hell is wrong with you boys?" My mom rarely swore, and raising her voice was saved only for the most extreme instances. We were definitely in trouble.

"How in the world did this happen? This is just unacceptable." She shook her head. Then she picked up her napkin, dotted her mouth, and through it back down on the table.

"Now, Esme, the boys are old enough to make their own decisions about where they want to live," my dad countered.

"Carlisle, this has nothing to do with them moving to Seattle. Well other than they both should have been upfront about their plans long ago. Emmett, hiding a relationship from us for this long? Shame on you! And Edward, why wouldn't you tell me that you were applying to schools in Seattle? Did you really think I wouldn't support you? "

Emmett and I looked at each other, neither wanting to admit that was exactly what we were afraid of.

"Fine, if you are unwilling to answer that question, you can at least tell me the date when we are going house hunting in Seattle."

My dad who had been mostly amused by the whole situation suddenly stood up and took notes. "Esme, you don't mean everyone?"

"Why of course I do, Carlisle. Will you be retiring or looking for new employment out there? I would assume I should call a realtor this week if I intend to have this house sold before we move. I don't mind a delay of a few months, but I would like to be there by fall."

It didn't matter to me whether they moved to Seattle, but I checked out Emmett's response, and he appeared to be in shock.

"Is it possible, dear, that the boys were looking to get away from us for a while? To find themselves so to speak. Didn't you ever want to spread your wings a little?"

"Nonsense. The boys enjoy being around us, right?"

There was no way either of us was prepared to disagree with that.

"We don't have to make a decision today, Esme. Let's spend more timing thinking about our options."

"Fine, but I'm not giving up on the idea. I think I've always made in abundantly clear that I intend to live by at least one of the boys, and my distinct preference is for all of us to be in the same place."

Somehow we got through dessert without anyone losing control.

My dad surprised me by making a few arguments for staying in Chicago. He suggested they buy a vacation condo in the Seattle area or even on the coast within driving distance of us. He thought my mom could spend as much time as she wanted there, but he didn't feel quite ready to retire, and he didn't want to start all over one more time.

It was interesting coming from "Mr. Family Comes First."

I had no problems with my parents moving to Seattle with us. I think Emmett was less enthusiastic. I wasn't sure if his concern was over mom meddling in his relationship or dad breathing down his neck professionally. I knew I risked more scrutiny with them around, but I was managing okay now.

Despite the controlled chaos, for a while that night, life seemed so uncomplicated. I was 15 again. It was just the family, making a decision about moving. Just us. Before Forks, before Bella.

I decided I preferred complication. I would rather have all the experiences, all the mistakes, and know her, than live an uncomplicated life without her.

Emmett asked me out for a drink after dinner. I was anxious to be away from people, but after that dinner, I couldn't deny him a few minutes of my time.

"That was intense." He said after drinking half his beer.

"You can say that again. How are you doing?"

"I'm okay. I guess it's all surreal. I sure didn't expect all that. Do you really think Mom will follow me everywhere I move for the rest of my life?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think she will."

"I love having them around; don't get me wrong. I just . . . do you think they know I can do things on my own?"

"Oh Emmett, of course they do. She would just miss us too much."

Ultimately, I'd never really followed up with whether he even wanted me around. We tossed it out there in the fall, so I assumed he'd be okay with it.

"I'm sorry I blindsided you back there. I honestly didn't make a decision until that exact moment."

"Nah, it's cool. I was hoping you were still thinking about heading out that way, but I thought maybe with everything that happened, you might be avoiding it"

"If I were smart, I probably would, but it really is where I wanted to be next year."

He gave me a sideways glance. I had a feeling I knew why he thought I wanted to be there. He didn't ask, and I was grateful I didn't have to lie.

In the end, it was one of the better nights I'd had in a long time.

Though my father argued valiantly, my mother's firm resolve won. As a result, Emmett, my mom, and I all flew out to Seattle only a couple of weeks later for some serious house hunting. My dad stayed behind due to a hectic schedule, but clearly he wouldn't be calling the shots on where they lived anyway.

Emmett and I found an apartment first. It was bittersweet.

I was going to miss living alone. Somehow I got so caught up in the moment, I'd forgotten that we didn't actually have to share an apartment. And at the time, I didn't know my parents would be coming too. I thought Emmett would be my only family nearby.

Now I had serious concerns about it. I didn't want a social life. I was still going through the motions for the most part. I wanted plenty of time to work on my art; it felt less like wallowing if I gave it a constructive name. I worried that Emmett would want to draw me out, try to make me feel more than I was ready for.

And of course, his girlfriend was Bella's roommate. I had not forgotten. That meant I had to tell her what was going on as well.

I seriously considered not telling her I was moving. I had no idea how she would take it. That was another conversation I didn't want to have.

"_Yes, Bella, I know you are bothered by the things I did in high school, and just so you know, I'm not following you to Seattle."_

I couldn't exactly go to Seattle with Emmett, where we all planned to get together with Rosalie, and not expect her to find out. What kind of message would it send if she didn't know anything about it? So I had to fess up.

I waited as long as I possibly could. There was a good chance she heard something through the grapevine before I even called.

The weekend we planned to breeze into town, she claimed she had plans to go to Forks to see Charlie, so she conveniently avoided seeing me.

She took the news of my return better than I anticipated. I think the history of my family moving as a pack helped. I'm sure Rosalie was aware of my mom's reaction to Emmett's decision. Besides, I'd actually put in my application before Bella moved back. Still, I worried she'd see this as me trying to wiggle my way back into her life.

Before Emmett and I officially signed our lease, my mom suggested they could just buy a large house, and we could all be under the same roof again. We were having lunch. I spit my drink. Emmett choked on his, and I thought he might need the Heimlich maneuver.

"Oh fine. It was just a suggestion." As I was taking a bite of my hamburger, she mentioned that she had a few things to take care of on her own that afternoon. "Will you boys be okay on your own?"

"Mom, you do realize how old we are, don't you?" She just rolled her eyes.

"We'll just meet at the hotel this evening, then. I'm looking forward to meeting Rosalie, dear," she said to Emmett.

He smiled back, but his nerves were definitely showing. I wondered which woman's reaction concerned him more.

Emmett spent the afternoon with Rosalie, and I went to campus and just wandered around. I imagined what it would have been like if Bella and I had just come here together right out of high school. Would we have discovered and admitted our feelings for each other sooner?

Would we have had a chance at a real relationship?

All of this was bringing up emotions I couldn't handle if I were going to be around people later, so I stuffed it all away and let the numbness wash back over me.

Dinner wasn't unpleasant. My mom was so excited to meet Rosalie. Emmett said very little as the two women shared humiliating stories about him. Rosalie was exactly as I'd remembered her. Beautiful, confident, and perfect for Emmett.

After dinner, we all hung out in the hotel lobby because it was quiet and comfortable. The nearby lounge had a house band playing, and we wouldn't have been able to talk effectively due to the noise. I would have preferred it loud, as my ability to be social was fading fast.

I volunteered to go to the bar every time someone needed on a drink. I'm sure I was completely transparent, but more than having to maintain conversation, being around Emmett and Rosalie was getting to me.. I wondered how Bella was handling both Alice and Rosalie having committed relationships because tonight was enough to make me want to drown my sorrows. But then she wasn't the one struggling with unrequited love right now.

Each time I made a bar run, I took longer than needed. I didn't make much effort to capture the bar tender's attention, only placing an order when he was right in front of me or directly asked me.

It shouldn't have surprised me that Rosalie would catch on, nor that she would want a chance to talk to me. Still, when her voice said, "They sure are slow around here. Maybe we should complain to a manager," I nearly jumped.

"That's not necessary, Rosalie." I took a swig of my drink, which was mostly ice at this point.

"Hiding, Edward?"

I shrugged. "Maybe a little."

"This is all pretty awkward huh?"

"That's an understatement."

"For what it's worth, I thought your phone call a while back was a ballsy move. I really thought she would have taken that bait. Up until that point, I was pretty sure you were an ass."

"And now?"

"Ambivalent."

"Is she really out of town, Rosalie?"

"You know I'm not going to betray her trust. I will say this. I don't think you appreciate how bad off she was. It has been hard work for her to get where she is right now. Do you think she wants to do anything that could hurt her progress?"

"No, and that's why I'm being good and not going to bang down your door."

"I don't know anymore, Edward. Maybe that's exactly what you need to do."

I couldn't agree. Every attempt I'd made to deal with our relationship head on and failed miserably. I believed she was going to have to make some sort of a move at this point, and I was not enjoying the wait.

"For what it's worth, I don't think she has a clue how bad off you are either. You're quite a pair aren't you?"

"One would think."

I cut out shortly after that. Emmett went to Rosalie's and told me not to wait up. I stayed up working with some of the shreddings I'd collected that day. I was feeling something other than sadness or anger or numb. Couldn't put my finger on the exact emotion, but it fueled my creativity.

I barely heard the knock on the door about an hour later. When I finally clued into the tapping, I almost ignored it. I didn't want to interrupt my flow, and I didn't want to anyone to see what I was working on.

I tried to tune it out, until a soft voice called out, "Edward. Are you in there? It's me, Bella."

**E/N: I know, I know. Before you go hunting me down for the second cliffy in a row, I just think this needs to come from BPOV. I wasn't trying to be too evil. So, the phone call last time didn't go as well as many hoped, but Bella wasn't there yet. She and Edward still have a few things to figure out, but it should start hitting them in the next chapter. What do you think has to happen yet before they can see it? Reviews make me feel lucky!**

**Thanks to Hmonster4. I appreciate the whack in the head. I needed it. This chapter probably wouldn't be done if it weren't for you.**


	18. Three Little Birds

**A/N: I keep forgetting to remind you all I have no claims on these characters. But I bet you knew that. **

**I offer a special thanks to those of you who have continued to read and review this story every chapter. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. A little special love goes out to rands for making me feel all warm and fuzzy. **

_Chapter 17: Three Little Birds_

BPOV

"_Edward, are you in there? It's me, Bella."_

I did not end up at Edward's hotel room near eleven o'clock without assistance. In fact, I still wasn't sure I wanted to be here. I knocked softly hoping perhaps he was asleep or was not in at all. I could find peace in knowing I'd shown up. When he didn't respond to the rap, I resorted to words. I would only say it once, and then I could turn around and leave.

I stood there summoning courage despite the fact that it looked like I was going to get lucky.

Even my therapist thought it was a bad idea for me to see him. We decided that handling him in baby steps was good right now. So, I lied about being out of town. Though I don't think my therapist would have approved of that. I wish I could say that I had intended to go see Charlie, but something came up. Unfortunately, it was pure deceit.

"Bella?" his voice cracked. Oh shit. This is it.

I stood here on same two feet that had carried me away from him in October. But I hadn't walked here on them. I had floated in on the words of three women. I could not have expected the turn of events I'd experienced in the last week since I'd told Edward the not so white lie. During that phone conversation, I was grateful he couldn't see my face because I'm sure it gave everything away. I merely shifted timeframes. I actually went to Forks last weekend.

Alice had some wedding preparations to take care of. Rosalie had a major project at work, so she was stuck in the city, and Jasper begged out of this particular trip. We made the drive on Friday evening, getting in fairly late. I enjoyed breakfast with Charlie on Saturday. It wasn't that we had some life changing conversation; it was more that we didn't need to. We'd always been comfortable not talking, but in recent years, silence had been filled with questions and concern, making it tenser. We were back to normal, back to comfortable.

I spent the day running errands with Alice, helping her with some of the decisions about venue decorations. Alice had detailed sketches of what everything should look like. Part of her reason for being here was to check her drawings against reality. We started at the church. Her family had a lot of history at that altar—weddings, baptisms, funerals. She got a little teary when she looked out at the empty pews.

"I can't believe this is real." Knowing she was the kind of girl who had planned her wedding since birth, I couldn't help but be elated for her.

"It's going to be beautiful, Alice."

"I'm so glad you're here." Her eyes told me she didn't mean just this weekend. I wiped a few of my own tears away.

"Me too." I lowered my volume when I added, "That little birdie was pretty smart."

She smiled in return. So much went unspoken. Her little birdie had become an off limits topic. I insisted I was dealing with Edward my own way. After his call a while back, both she and Rosalie were surprised I wasn't talking about him more, but they respected my privacy.

From the church we went to the reception hall. She had seriously considered an outdoor wedding, but because of near guarantee of rain, she would need such a large tent, and she just thought it would be easier to keep everyone inside.

In Forks, there were only a couple of places where people typically held receptions. Ultimately, the only one that accommodated the wedding was the Elks Lodge.

"I still can't believe your reception will be here," I said as I got out of the car. It was old and everyone and their mother had danced to a DJ in this place.

"I know. But I really wanted to get married in Forks. All of my family is in the area. I can make this place look amazing. You'll see!"

"I don't doubt that at all, Alice. Does Jasper have a final count on his side yet?"

"No, everyone on his side is so spread out, not very close at all. We don't expect too many, but quite a few people from his school are coming."

In the late afternoon, Alice wanted a little time to play with her sketches. I had some class work to do so I took my laptop to a local coffee shop that offered WiFi. I knew my dad's dial up connection would only frustrate me, and a little caffeine never hurt anyone.

The place was reasonably busy, but there were still a couple of empty tables. With a quick scan of the room, I determined I didn't know anyone here. A young kid was working the front counter, and another was serving as barista, both wearing matching shirts bearing the coffee shop's name.

I saw the back of someone in the same t-shirt and an apron tied around wiping down a table.

I ordered a simple flavor of the day, decided to treat myself to a scone, and took the empty table by the window. Once I was logged into the network, I checked email and a couple of blogs I followed first. I read one article, and was just about to start a paper that was due on Tuesday when the voice that had always made my hair stand on end asked, "Do you mind if I sit down for a second?"

I looked up to see Lauren standing at my table. She had on the shop's requisite uniform, complete with a green baseball cap. She must have been the one wiping down the tables earlier.

I rifled through possible responses to that question. My gut wanted to go sarcastic, but that was only a defense mechanism. I checked her eyes for intention. I'd never seen her look this vulnerable. So, I shrugged and motioned to the chair across from me.

"Thanks, I don't have long. My official break isn't for a while, but I couldn't ignore you sitting here."

I sucked back the "_Sure you could have"_ that nearly escaped my lips and attempted small talk instead.

"How long have you worked here?"

"Oh not long, a couple of months. Just part time on the weekends. It's kind of funny. We moved to Port Angeles for jobs, but I ended up working here." She smiled, and I waited to see change of expression or to hear venomous words coming from her mouth. But she threw me for a loop.

"I don't have time to beat around the bush. I owe you a major apology, Bella. You don't have to accept it. I probably wouldn't if I was you, but I had to try."

I'm sure the earth had to be spinning on its axis still though for a minute, it felt like the world stopped . Only one thing came to my mind as a response.

"Why?"

"The apology?" She asked. The "why" had just slipped out. Now I wasn't sure what I wanted to know.

"No . . . yes . . . I don't know. I guess why did you hate me so much?"

"You didn't talk to Edward about this?"

"Believe it or not, we rarely discussed you. I think I always preferred not knowing what was going on between you two."

"No, I mean this fall. When you were here after your dad got shot. He and I had a pretty similar conversation, actually." Thinking back, I realized I hadn't listened to anything he had to say about his conversation with Lauren.

"Things got pretty complicated after that, Lauren, so no, we didn't talk about it."

"I see. Funny, I think he said the same thing. 'It's complicated.' Anyway, I'll let you ask him the details, but it pretty much comes down to jealousy."

"You were jealous of me? What did I have that you didn't?"

"Bella, don't tell me you are that dense. Look at you. You're in college, right? Doing well, I'm sure. Look at me, Bella. I work part time in a coffee shop. What future did I ever really have? I love my life, my husband, my little girl, but I hated you because I would never have what you have. That was the beginning anyway. Then it was also about Edward, of course."

"It doesn't make sense, Lauren. You were the one he slept with."

"And you were the one he went home to. To talk with, to share hopes and dreams. To think about the future. I was a diversion, and I knew It, Bella." I couldn't imagine that had been good enough. Not for the girl I remembered Lauren to be. She was tough and certain of herself.

"Then why did you settle?"

"I could ask the same of you." A few months ago, that question would have infuriated me, but she was right. I had settled. But it always made sense to me. I couldn't do any better than that.

"I guess I took what I could get."

"Ditto." That was an "a ha" moment for me. I was still processing it when she continued. "But the thing is, you always had the power, and you never knew it. God, he played me for the fool on your behalf so many times, and I took it because I wasn't willing to admit out loud that it was all for your benefit."

"I'm not sure I follow."

"You never noticed?" It reminded me of my conversation with Alice after I asked Edward to leave. What had he done on my behalf?

"I think maybe I'm starting to. How long did you know?"

"Pretty much always. I guess from the car incident for sure. So, that was early on."

"The car incident?"

"Seriously?" She looked at me like I was a little stupid, but then she shook it off. "The day my car wouldn't start. He disconnected something to give you an upper hand."

"Oh my god." She just sat there nodding her head as if she were answering silent questions. Edward did that? For me? "But how could you be with him when he did that to you?"

"We never acknowledged it or anything. So, I kept my pride I guess. I was just as insecure as the next girl, Bella. It felt pretty good to have Edward Cullen want me, even if it was only for sex." As strange as it sounded, I could understand that. It felt good to have him want my company, even if it was only for friendship. "Listen I have to get back to work. I just wanted to say I was sorry. That's all."

And as she stood up to leave, I saw a few little lines in the corners of her eyes. I channeled my therapist in that second. What would my therapist do?

"Thank you, Lauren," I stated simply. She looked at me and smiled. She needed forgiveness as much as I needed to let go. "I accept."

My hand was resting on the table next to my laptop, and she grabbed it quickly. "You two belong together. I'm happy for you."

I didn't have time to correct her. I had no idea how she got the impression we were together, and I was too busy trying to figure out when the world was going to start spinning again to worry too much about it.

Alice and I ended up just hanging out at her house on Saturday night drinking cheap wine and looking at her pictures and bridal magazines. I told her about the conversation with Lauren, and she help me dissect everything, but in typical Alice fashion, she was making me draw my own conclusions. The problem was I didn't have any.

Rosalie freaked out all week about Emmett bringing his mom to Seattle. I wasn't remotely surprised they were all moving back. That's what the Cullens did, but I could see how it would be overwhelming. I'm sure Rosalie was looking forward to some time just to be a full time couple. I wasn't yet sure how I felt about Edward being in town, temporarily or permanently. So, my little lie was protecting me from dealing with it. And I knew it was a crappy thing to do, but I'd never claimed to be perfect.

On Saturday, Rosalie and Emmett had plans before the big meet up with Esme. Alice and I both helped her pick out the right outfit for meeting "the mom" and told her to be herself, but not too much of herself. A little less "Rosalie" in this case was probably a good thing.

I was reading for class, trying to forget that Edward was somewhere in this city, not knowing I was in town, when our doorbell rang. I looked at the clock. Alice had plans with Jasper later, but it was possible she forgot something here earlier. I checked the peephole not expecting to see anyone because Alice usually didn't show up very well since she was so short.

I'd just looked at the clock but I glanced back again. 3:45 p.m. It was the same time the earth stopped rotating last week. This could not be a typical coincidence. I looked in the peephole again. It really was her. Esme Cullen was standing on the other side of the door.

I unlocked the deadbolt, and opened the door slowly. She was just as lovely as I remembered her; she'd barely aged.

"Hi, Mrs. Cullen. I'm Bella Swan. I'm not sure if you remember me."

"Of course, I do," she said as she took my outstretched hand.

"Rosalie and Emmett aren't here right now. Could I help you find them?"

"I know exactly where they are. I didn't come here for them. I came to talk to you."

At this point, I was pretty sure if I looked outside, I'd see a meteor shower or the sky falling. Life was just getting too weird.

"Come on in."

"How are you, dear?"

"I'm fine, Mrs. Cullen. Can I get you anything?"

"No, and please call me Esme. Do you mind if we sit down? My feet are feeling the effects of house hunting."

"Of course," I said as I led her to the couch. "Have you found a place yet?"

"No, but the boys did. I'm hopeful for tomorrow, and we still have plenty of time anyway." She looked around the room. "You have an adorable apartment. You share with Rosalie, correct?"

"Yeah, it was Alice's place before me, and she just bought a house with her fiancé. Do you remember Alice Brandon?"

"I do. I knew her mom from a bridge club. And she came here with us when you went to the Shakespeare play didn't she?"

"Yes, she did." It was a little awkward for a while. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know why she was here. But small talk was running out.

"Bella, I don't know what happened between you and Edward. He's always kept your relationship fairly secret. I do know that at roughly the same time your father was shot on duty, he disappeared for a few days. We pay his credit card, and there were charges for travel arrangements to Forks both from Phoenix and from Chicago. I can only assume he came here to be with you."

"Yes, I paid him back though." I didn't want to get in trouble but if she was going to be mad at me for his generosity, I wanted credit for the payback.

"I wouldn't have cared if you hadn't, dear. I'm glad he was able to help you in a time of need."

"Oh . . . well . . . thanks."

"I'm more concerned about what happened when he came out here." A flash of horror when through me. I knew his family was close. Did this woman know I'd slept with her son?

"What did he tell you?"

"Nothing. I didn't ask."

"Then, I'm not really sure why you're asking me."

"I know that I should speak with him, but I have a feeling he wouldn't give me any more information than you would, so I'm not really doing any asking right now. I'm telling."

"Telling me what?"

"Whatever happened last fall, he didn't come back to Chicago in a very good place. He's hurting Bella. I'm not here to blame you or accuse you of anything, but you haven't seen him on a day to day basis, so I wasn't sure if you knew what a mess he is."

"With all due respect, Esme, I don't know why you're sure that's connected to me."

She smiled, and then gave a single laugh. "Because it's always been about you, Bella."

"I don't understand."

"I saw it the first day I met you. I love Edward beyond measure. He's incredibly bright and talented. But he's always been a little more selfish than I would have liked. Not with us at home, of course, but with others. You were the exception. His every move was in reaction to yours."

"I don't remember that." I wondered if she had me confused with someone else.

"I doubt you could have seen it. He was subtle. Well, the way he orchestrated the whole Shakespeare trip wasn't, but other things were minute. He watched the way your body reacted to songs on the radio, and without asking changed stations until he saw you shift again. I probably wouldn't have noticed, except that he chose stations that typically were causes for arguments between him and Emmett."

What do you say to that? What do you say to any of this? I thought back to that day in the car. I remember liking ever song he picked. I always thought it was a coincidence. It turned out, there was no such thing. It was always Edward.

"As I said, I have no idea what the state of things is now. I came here because I missed some major signs with Emmett, and it took him far too long to move forward in his relationship with Rosalie. If I hadn't been so caught up in other issues, I would have pushed him over that edge a long time ago. Edward is more difficult though. He's harder to push. So, I came to you instead."

"You thought I'd be the pushover?" I didn't really blame her. I could see where she'd get the impression.

"Oh hardly. I thought you were the only one he'd let close enough to touch, let alone do any pushing."

"I don't know what to say. I feel like I say this all the time lately, but it's a lot to take in. Things have been complicated between us for a while, and I'm not even sure where I want them to be. Phoenix was hard on me, and I'm just now getting my life back on track."

"Are things better here?" It was a genuine question. She really cared.

"Much, much better."

"I'm glad to hear it." She didn't say more, and I was grateful. I wasn't planning on giving her any more details.

"So, is Edward really not doing well?"

Esme looked down at her hands. "It was quite bad for a while. We thought we were going to have to step in. He withdrew from everyone, and hadn't been taking care of himself. He's hiding it better now, so we backed off a little, but I can see it in his eyes, or rather, I can see what's not there. No spark. He's not really living."

When she lifted her head, she smiled at me through tears.

"I'm hoping the move out here will be good for him. Something is missing, and I don't know. Maybe he'll find it here." She took a deep breath and stood up. "I don't want to take any more time, Bella, but I do thank you for letting me in."

"You're welcome." I wasn't sure if I should say more. I wanted to offer her reassurance, but what was she looking for from me? When we reached the door I said, "I'll do what I can."

"I'd appreciate it."

After Esme left, I seriously considered making an after hours call to my shrink. What a stupid thing for me to say. "I'll do what I can." First of all, it would mean contact with Edward. Second, it would only mean anything if I had any effect on him, and I wasn't sure I did anymore.

Of course, I'd spent a lot of time dealing with my feelings for Edward. Sometimes, I could almost talk myself out of loving him. It would make everything easier if I could just walk away and start over with some nice boy with whom I didn't have all this history.

Unfortunately, I'd tried that in the past, and I already knew it didn't work. I didn't want some nice boy. I wanted Edward. I still wanted him.

I had come to a few conclusions in the past couple of months. One: I didn't regret having sex with Edward, and not just because regret is stupid. I wanted him. I loved him. I always had. It hadn't just been the best sex I'd ever had; it was the only time I'd ever made love with anyone. How could anything be wrong with that? Two: I didn't think I could ever settle for second best with him again. After having been intimate with him, nothing else would do. Three: I wasn't sure I trusted him in the romantic department. He had been a great lover, and he seemed to care about me, but I couldn't handle it if he just tried to be something more than friends out of obligation or even out of a warped perception that because he cared about me, he should try to love me. It would only lead to more heartache.

That's where I stood, and it was the motivation for my lie. I couldn't see him without wanting to touch him, to tell him I loved him. And I couldn't do that if we were just going to end up friends in the long run. And I couldn't see him without getting answers about all the things he manipulated in my life.

So, I sat there not reading my class assignment and not making any decisions. Action and inaction were battling it out. Inaction definitely had the edge. I didn't believe I was ready to face him without losing control. It didn't mean forever. Just not right now.

I had almost declared the contest over when Rosalie called.

"Hi Bella."

"Hey, how'd it go?"

"Fine, actually. Esme is pretty cool. Maybe a little protective, but I don't think she's quite the freak I expected."

"I know." Someday, I might share the conversation I'd had with her, but Rosalie didn't call to hear about my day.

"Anyway, we just got done hanging out and having drinks, and I'm probably going to be bringing Emmett home with me."

"Oh, okay. I can make sure I'm in my room."

"Whatever, I didn't really call to have you run and hide. We're big kids. I actually called about Edward."

I didn't say anything. If she said something to make the earth stop turning again, I was going to scream.

"I'm sorry to be so blunt. I know you don't like to talk about him, and we've all kind of avoided the issue, but I don't know if you really understand. He's kind of . . . I don't know . . . it's not like I thought anyway. And I've been thinking. Take it or leave it, okay, I won't hold it against you."

"Okay?"

"What good is always waiting for something until you're ready? When are we ever ready for anything? Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes and jump. If you break a leg, you put a cast on it and let it heal. Then, either you choose not to make that jump again, OR you do some more research. You ask some different questions. You try a different angle. And maybe the next time, you land in the right spot."

Action just ko'ed inaction. There was a long pause while I stopped myself from screaming.

"Anyway, I'm sorry to lay this one you. I just needed to say it."

"Thanks, Rosalie. I think . . . maybe, I needed to hear it."

"Oh," she said clearly surprised. "Well, I guess I'll see you soon." Action suddenly spoke on my behalf.

"Maybe not. You don't happen to have a room number would you?"

Only an hour later, I stood here at his door, hoping he wasn't inside, hoping maybe action would just get a bye. But he responded, and there was no way I could run now.

I figured he was probably on his way to the door, but I called out anyway, "Yeah, it's me."

I heard the door click, and when he opened it, I think I gasped a little. He looked like hell. I mean not that anyone on the street would know. He was still stunning, but his eyes . . . Esme was right. They were just there. His hair was a mess, and he had more stubble than I was used to seeing. He also looked very confused.

I walked into him, feeling such a strong pull to be close to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist, and he tentatively brought his around me. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be this close to him. For a second, all the doubt and insecurity melted away, leaving only the knowledge that this is the most whole I'd felt in a long time.

"What are you doing here, Bella?"

"I . . . don't know for sure. But I had to come."

"You weren't out of town."

He hadn't asked it as a question, but I answered anyway. "No. I'm sorry."

He broke away from me, and wandered toward one of the beds in the room. He sat down and just looked at me. I examined him briefly. I tried to be objective, to distance myself from the pain I saw in his face, but it was impossible. He was broken, somehow, and I'd never seen Edward like this. Ever.

It broke my heart. I couldn't help but want to take away the pain, to fight whatever demon was causing this. Isn't that what a best friend did? But then I remembered, what Lauren, and Esme, and Rosalie said, and I wondered if I weren't the demon.

I couldn't stare anymore, so I explored the room. There was a desk against the wall next to me, and it was covered in paper. Tiny pieces of paper. On the center though, the pieces were being put together into some sort of a collage. It looked like a giant eye, but the eye wasn't disturbing; it was comforting in some way.

"Did you do this?" I asked.

He shrugged. "It's just something I play with."

"It's really interesting."

He raised his eyebrows at me.

"When did you start doing art?" He always used to fiddle with his keyboard when he was feeling creative.

"A few months ago."

"Oh."

Is this how he'd always seen me? It was written all over his face. He needed help.

I walked over to the bed and sat down next to him.

"Is this okay?"

"Of course it's okay, Bella."

I reached over, and took his left hand in my right. "How about this?"

"Yeah, it's just fine." He smiled, but it didn't go far. "So, why are you really here?"

"I couldn't avoid it anymore. I've been waiting until I was ready, but a little birdie reminded me tonight that I was never going to be ready."

"Are you still mad at me?" I turned my head toward him sharply. I hadn't realized that's what he thought I was caught up on.

"No, I haven't been mad in a long time."

"Really? So, why the avoidance?" I should have known the question was coming, but I still had to think about the answer.

"Confusion and fear mostly. I needed to figure out my own feelings about everything. I still have a lot of questions."

He nodded and then quietly said. "I'm here. I'll answer."

"I guess the first is. Why? All things you did. And I know about more than just the boyfriends. Don't ask me how I know; just tell me why." He hesitated, but he knew he'd already promised to answer, so he pushed on.

"There's no way to say it without it sounding pretty shitty. The first words that I associated with you were 'brown mess' and 'pathetic.' But your eyes, and all that hurt just drew me in. I was such an arrogant ass, and I knew I could save you somehow. I never expected to actually get to know you, to care about you so much. There's nothing logical in anything I did."

I was a pathetic mess back then, sort of still was. I had been for a long time. It hurt to hear him say it, but it actually made sense. Seeing him here tonight, I kind of understood that pull to save.

"I wish you'd told me sooner."

"I know. I'm sorry." We said nothing for what felt like a long time. He finally broke the silence with almost a whisper. "What are you afraid of?"

"Oh god, lots of things, Edward. I'm afraid of never being whole and happy, of always having to work at it. I'm afraid that everyone who's been so good to me is going to wake up one day and wonder why they thought I was worth it. I'm afraid I'll never get out of debt. I'm afraid we won't be able to get past all of this, and that would destroy me, Edward."

And I couldn't go on because my throat closed.

"When you say 'get past it' what do you mean? Because I can't pretend making love to you didn't change everything. I've never felt like that with anyone, Bella. I don't want to ignore it and just try to go back to whatever our friendship was before. That doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere anyway."

I had to talk around the lump in my throat so what came out was more of a squeak. "It was good for you?"

"The best, Bella." And he reached over and touched my cheek with his thumb.

I leaned in to him, and he took me in his arms, just holding me. At some point, we lay back on the bed and fell asleep. He never let go.

**E/N: Ah, hope. It's there. Finally. So, we're getting down to the wire on my little story. I think it's one chapter and an epilogue, so I might take a little extra time to process it.**

**Big beta thanks to hmonster4—hope your not quite stomach has recovered.**

**Reviews are like a giant lucky charm mobile! **


	19. After the Storm

**A/N: I didn't mean to. Really. But I lied. This will not be the last chapter. I'll let you read; then I'll explain.**

**No claims on the characters . . .**

_Chapter 18 – After the Storm_

_EPOV_

I woke up at first light, so it wasn't a terribly long sleep, but neither of us had moved all night.

Her arm was draped around my waist, and her head rested on my chest. I couldn't imagine how it was comfortable for her, but I wasn't about to do anything that might wake her.

There was still so much to say, so many ways this could go. With her asleep in my arms, it all felt so right, so easy.. I wasn't willing to let that go.

I inhaled the scent of her hair; she'd used the same shampoo as long as I knew her. Instantly, I was transplanted back to our pre-prom dance. Something about the way I held her now reminded me of that scene—innocent but ripe with tension. I hadn't forgotten a single detail of that day. Right down to how badly I'd wanted to kiss her. I remember having to steady my hand on the small of her back. Any flat surface would have done, but I couldn't grip anymore.

She was stunning that day, less a little girl and more the woman she'd become. The woman I was holding now.

When the song ended that day, and we stood suspended in each other's arms, I'd lifted her face to mine. I'd been within a hair's breadth from putting my lips on hers.

And here I was again wrapped in her and around her, not knowing if I should move forward back or sideways. Which is why even though my arm was asleep, and I needed to go to the bathroom, I didn't move.

Instead, I tried to figure out what came next by overanalyzing everything that came before.

When I came back to my room last night, I let my guard down. I'd been putting up the front all day so the minute I walked through my hotel door, I jumped fully clothed into the pool of self loathing and despair. I swam the entire length, did a turn and went back to the beginning. I'd been treading for a good long while when Bella's knock on the door forced me to step out and dry off.

What did this all mean? She knew about high school, about all the ways I'd influenced her life. And she still came. I needed that more than I'd realized. I hadn't known where I stood with her. What I'd perceived to be her anger with me had been the globe I'd been carrying on my back up the hill over and over again. With that one admission, it was as if she pushed the world out of my hands, and I instantly felt relief. Maybe the Sisyphus moment of our relationship was over.

She admitted that she wanted a relationship, something more than what we'd been pretending to have for the past several months. She wasn't mad. She didn't hate me. She didn't regret me. She still wanted me. Before Bella and I made love, I'd never wanted to wake up next a woman; I'd never wanted what I had in my arms right this moment. I'd never needed a real relationship. Now, it was all I could think of—I wanted my dream Edward and Bella.

But exactly where did that leave us this morning? Two people who've been friends for years, who just happened to have fabulous sex together? Were we a couple now? Friends with potentially more benefits? I took a depth breath to wipe my brain clean, and for the first time, Bella moved. She ended up rolling over and sliding out of my arms.

I seized the opportunity. I rushed to the bathroom, but I kept the door cracked so I could verify she was still asleep. It was the only time I ever understood why there was a phone hanging next to the hotel toilet. I made a call to room service and one to the front desk.

Bella never stirred. I edged back into the bed slowly, trying to not make any waves. I lay next to her propped on my elbow, watching her. This was the morning after she deserved, and I hoped to god I could manage not to mess it up. She seemed so at peace right then. Despite being vulnerable in sleep, nothing needed saving or fixing. I could just love her. That thought made me smile. It was an important piece of the puzzle. There were times caught up in my own head where I wondered if I would feel the same way for her if she didn't need me to save her.

Her breathing became more frequent and more shallow so I knew it wouldn't be long until she woke. Still when a loud knock followed by "room service" beckoned me away from the bed, I dreaded the impending fluttering of her eyes. I waited for a second knock, letting her eyes fully open so she could see me—really see me next to her—before I answered the door.

I moved my art work from the table to the dresser to make room for the tray. I didn't let anyone in, not wanting to expose Bella, so I tipped through the door.

When I turned around, she was sitting up on her elbows, examining me.

"Hi," she said softly.

"Hi," I replied, putting my hands in my pockets feeling the pieces of paper left over from yesterday.

We'd been here before.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"It's okay. I mean, it wasn't a problem. I fell asleep too."

"Is that coffee?"

"Yeah, and juice and bagel stuff. I thought you might be hungry." She sat up fully and paused for a second. "Do you mind if I use your bathroom?"

"Of course not. Still take your coffee the same way?"

"Always."

"Oh, um, here," I said as I handed her a toothbrush from the tray. She looked dumbfounded. "I thought you might want one." Then I second guessed myself. I didn't mean she had bad breath. I just hated that grimy feeling myself.

"You had them deliver it?"

I just nodded.

The corner of her mouth turned up, and her eyes scrunched. "Thanks."

When she came out of the bathroom, I handed her a cup of coffee and let her wake up. I sat down on one of the chairs next to the table while she took a seat on the bed.

"So, when do you go back?"

"This afternoon. I'll have to leave for the airport around noon. Emmett and my mom are staying another day, but I have to get back to class."

"It's a good thing you found an apartment yesterday, then. What date do you move in?" I didn't remember actually telling her that, but then I was distracted last night.

"June first."

"Just two more months, huh?"

The small talk was killing me. There was a raging river between us, threatening to flood the banks, and I knew there was a bridge somewhere. I just had to walk a little farther downstream.

"How do you feel about that?" I asked without looking at her.

She sighed. "Better than I did yesterday morning. How about you?" She took a drink from her coffee.

I struggled with how to answer and how I would come off.

"Honestly, I haven't really put it all together yet. Nothing feels real at this point."

She nodded her head slowly. "I guess things have been pretty messed up huh?"

I shrugged one shoulder.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. She meant it; it wasn't a platitude. So many emotions came flooding back. Our friendship could survive. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed it; how much of my depression the last few months had been about the loss of a constant. I know we hadn't been as close since she moved to Arizona, but she was still there. Having contact with her meant I was capable of relationships outside of my family. Without her, I had serious doubts.

I started slowly, explaining the state I'd been in. As I talked, things began to make sense. What it felt like for me to fail at something—to realize I was wrong. I'd never had that before. I was careful because it wasn't about blaming her, or blaming us. That was all just the impetus for something that would have happened eventually.

She listened intently. And she also shared her emotional state. It was so damn hard, and it hurt to talk about all that had gone down, but we both needed it.

We ate. We talked. We even laughed. My mom called, but I told I needed to spend the morning with a friend, and she didn't protest at all.

Hours passed, and our time was running out. It was almost an act of desperation that led me to begin the next line of discussion.

"Bella, I really am sorry for all the stuff I pulled. I honestly just wanted to help."

"I know that now. Actually, I didn't I fully understand it until I came here yesterday. And then this morning."

"What do you mean?"

"The toothbrush. I mean. You just think ahead don't you? It's not malicious or controlling—you just want to make things easier for me. And while your methods were a little draconian in high school, I see that it's a part of you I always appreciated—I just didn't know how far it went."

I imagine my mouth was hanging open a little. I was so shocked by how she framed that. "Thank you."

"I guess we're at the big question, now aren't we? Where do we go from here?" she mused.

"What do you want, Bella? I think you know where I stand. I meant what I said last night and on the phone a while back. I want more than friendship."

She was pensive. "Well, I think I told you how I felt in October. You might have been a little distracted at the time."

I furrowed my brow trying to figure out what she meant, but it didn't take long, especially when she looked at me through her eyelashes with a sly smile

"I don't regret that, night, Edward, and I don't regret what I said. It was true. It still is. I would love to be with you like that again someday, but I think we should probably take things slowly this time."

"I can live with that." I checked the clock, and exhaled. Speaking of going slowly.

"You have to get ready don't you?"

"I do. I don't want to, but I can't miss my flight."

"Will you call me when you get in?" Such a simple request. A reminder of the baby steps we were taking.

"I can do that."

We walked toward the hotel room door, both dreading the end. We faced each other, holding hands.

My heart was thumping. I could feel it in the back of my throat. I imagine she could hear it if she were paying attention. But we just stood there, neither of us knowing whether or how to make the next step. Her breathing was shallow, and I felt her pulse in her thumbs.

She looked down at our feet. I gently nudged her with my toe. She looked back up at me, and I decided, "What the hell." I kissed her. I went in quickly. It was chaste. I barely made it to her lips. The whole thing was awkward, but I didn't pull away. I stayed attached to her. She didn't really kiss back, and she didn't let go either. Her hands seemed to grip me tighter. I kissed her again. Several short pecks, hitting different spots on her lips, and even the corner of her mouth. I wasn't sure what I was doing, what I wanted from this. I just couldn't stop, couldn't release her.

My heart rate had also sped up, so it was now jackhammering away in my skull and chest and even in my fingers. I inhaled while our lips were still connected, desperate for enough oxygen to keep from passing out. I slowly began to disconnect my mouth from hers when her lips parted slightly and closed again. My heart flipped in my chest. She did it again, only her mouth opened a little more this time. I responded by mirroring the small move. We closed together at the same time. Still slow, still steady, still tentative we continued that move, kissing in unison.

The first time my tongue was involved was an accident really. My lips were dry, so when I opened my mouth, I flicked my tongue out to wet them, but she closed at the same time, catching my tongue on her lower lip. Her chest gave an involuntary hum before she opened her mouth quickly again, giving me access. I hesitated, but then I let my tongue slide into her mouth, past some sort of invisible barrier, licking her tongue briefly then retreating back to my side.

Her hands broke from mine, and she glided her arms around my waist. My body tensed a little in reaction, and she let go for a second, but I snaked my arms around her and pulled her in. The next time I opened my mouth, she wasn't tentative at all, her tongue was everywhere in my mouth. Guttural sounds escaped me, as I let my tongue go. Circling and dragging and bumping.

I was gone. Over the edge. I was probably moaning, but I lost myself to the sensations .

I knew where I wanted this to go, and I also knew where there wasn't a chance in hell it should go, and they were both the same place.

I think we came to that realization at the same time.

Our tongues stopped first, pulling back into our respective mouths. A few more open mouthed kisses. A couple of closed mouth pecks. And a deep breath.

I let one hand fall from her back, so I could touch her lips. They were swollen and pink, and I traced them with my thumb. They stretched into a smile.

Neither of us had said anything in a very long time. We didn't need to. For the first time, maybe ever, we knew where things stood between us. For that moment anyway, there was no doubt or confusion. We loved each other.

Neither of us would say it that day. And maybe that was a mistake because it was hard to trust something that was only tangible when we were in the same room together, especially when it would be months before that would happen again. But saying it put too much pressure on something so new and raw. We'd both faced an emotional upheaval in the past six months. Reality had been skewed for so long.

In the end, we said goodbye with a hug, as friends, but the kiss on her forehead, and hers to my neck were the signs that more was implied.

I watched her start to walk down the hall. She only went a few feet before I turned around and went back inside to get my key. When I came back out, she was standing in the same spot, facing my door. I saw the wet of her eyes, and I knew how insecure we both still were. I shut the door behind me, and I watched her take a breath, attempting to eliminate the doubt.

We held hands until we finally had to say goodbye that day. Emmett and my mom were out house hunting, and I took a shuttle back to the airport. Neither of them ever said a word about that night or that morning.

The two months until the end of the semester were interesting. Bella and I had some contact every day. Some days, it was an email or a couple of quick texts. At least three days a week we talked on the phone.

I wanted to say that I was healed. That just knowing Bella was in my life again had ended the depression, but that wasn't quite the case. I'd said it when I talked to her that night. This was about trying to figure myself out. What did I want? Who did I want to be? I'd been playing roles for a long time, and I wanted to just be myself. The problem was I didn't exactly know what that meant.

I was better, and having Bella back to bounce ideas of off was useful..

Emmett was ready for the move. He couldn't wait to see Rosalie, and he was talking about us buying a classic car to restore once my parents were settled in their house. We could destroy their garage instead of the small one he rented. We hadn't taken on a project like that, together, since high school.

Emmett sent his car with the movers, but he offered to make the drive out there with me in my car. My parents weren't going to close on their place for another month.

The drive was long. We passed the time arguing about music choices. Some things never changed. I read while he drove. And of course, we talked some.

We were several hours into the trip before he came out and asked, "So, is Bella still an off limits topic?"

"I don't know. I don't think so."

"Are you like dating now?"

"I still don't really know what to call it, but we are definitely something again."

"Guess the good news is if one apartment is occupied, the other will be free."

"You're pathetic."

"Yeah, well, at least I'll be pathetic and laid regularly."

I just shook my head at him.

We pulled into Seattle about midnight. We were both exhausted. The moving van wasn't scheduled to arrive for a couple of days, and we probably should have opted for a hotel, but we brought sleeping bags, and decided just to camp out so we could get used to the new place.

The car was packed. There were things we hadn't wanted to send with the movers. Plus, we needed enough to get us through until the rest of our stuff arrived. As tired as we were, we only grabbed an overnight bag, a sleeping bag, and a pillow each. The rest we figured could wait until the morning.

Emmett had the key, and once he got the door open, we were surprised to the kitchen light was on. There was also a lamp and two bean bag chairs in the living room. We both dropped our things, dreading having to try to get comfortable or thinking about what we didn't have in this apartment.

Emmett made a run for the bathroom while something caught my eye in the kitchen. A coffee maker. And a bag of coffee—Starbucks Pike Place. A little note sat on the counter next to it. "Welcome to the neighborhood."

Someone had been here. I opened the refrigerator and was startled to find juice, milk and eggs and sandwich supplies. I opened a couple of cupboards and discovered it was stocked with staples. I found paper plates, napkins, and plastic utensils as well. I was adjusting to the surprise when I heard Emmett yelling down the hall. "You have to see this."

I started toward his voice, when he came around the corner to the kitchen "Dude, there are air mattresses set up in both of our rooms, and there was toilet paper and towels in the bathroom already."

"The kitchen's been filled too."

"Huh. Maybe Rosalie?"

"Likely. How would she get in?"

"No idea. I didn't give her a key." He looked around for a minute and then added "Well, I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm going to bed."

"Good call." But when he left, I took a minute to lock the front door. I went over to the window, and looked out. For the first time in a long while, I felt excited about something. The move would be good. This place would be good. It was insane that not too long ago I said the same thing about my Chicago apartment.

Bella was somewhere in this city. I could see her tomorrow if I wanted. And suddenly, I felt very lucky.

Despite going to bed later, I woke up before Emmett the next day. I can't say it was the best night of sleep ever, but I knew it was better than it would have been on the floor. Having coffee brightened the day instantly. The movers wouldn't be arriving until tomorrow, but we knew there were things we needed, so the plan was to hit a few stores to round out apartment needs.

Having the kitchen stocked crossed a big line off the "to do" list. Without a TV, I knew it could get pretty boring around here quickly. I had not made specific plans with Bella. We left it flexible. "See ya when you get here" kind of thing. She did send me a text yesterday hoping the drive was going well.

I checked the clock. 7:30. I decided I would wait until nine; that seemed like a reasonable hour for a phone call. My phone chirped ten second later. "r u up?"

Took me no time to speed dial her.

"That was fast," she breathed.

"I was just deciding how early would be too early to call."

"Eager much?"

"Yes." I didn't feel like being evasive with her anymore.

She laughed at me. "How was the drive?"

"Not bad. The last few hours were brutal though."

"Do you need anything?"

"No, it was weird. Someone had filled the kitchen and set up air mattresses."

"Really, now who would do that?" There was a hint of teasing in her tone.

"How in the world did you accomplish this?"

"Edward, you're not the only one with resources for surprises."

"How did you get a key?"

"Rosalie is very persuasive, and she did some talking with your apartment manager."

"I would love to have been a fly on the wall in that conversation."

"Fair warning, I think Rosalie may have had a key made, so be careful when you walk in your apartment. Wouldn't want you blindsided by her."

"I hope they will at least use the tie on the door system. Don't want to come into them going at it on the living room sofa." She huffed a laugh, but I think the allusions to sex caught us both off guard. It was definitely "out there," but we hadn't given our relationships a title, and as she had said, we needed to take that aspect slower this time. Jumping into bed, or rather the couch, had complicated and compromised our entire relationship. But that didn't remove the sexual tension that was clearly building between us. My body was certainly aware of what she was capable of.

"So, what do you have going on today?" she asked tentatively.

"Nothing really. We have a few odds and ends to pick up, but it's kind of the calm before the storm. I'm sure after tomorrow, it will be pretty intense with unpacking, and Emmett starts is new job in just a few days."

"I see." Obviously, I was in idiot mode. I have no idea why I wasn't taking this hint. It's not like it wasn't right in front of me. "Well, I guess I should let you get going then."

And there was the kick in the ass I needed. It was the tone. My Bella. Who needed me. But not in a desperate saving her kind of way. It seemed we still had work to do on being honest and open in our communication.

"Would you like to do something today?"

"Like what?"

"Well, do you want to come shopping with us?"

"Um, sure."

I could almost feel the disappointment through the phone, and I could have kicked myself.

"Or maybe. Could I take you out on a date tonight?"

She exhaled loudly. "I'd like that very much."

If she were sitting in front of me, I was sure she'd be playing her hands and biting her lip. I was tracing the pattern on the counter top.

"This is all different huh?" she asked finally.

"Yeah, but different can be good, right?"

"I hope so, Edward. But I think it's okay for us both to be nervous."

"Well, I have a first date to plan, and I'm new to the city, so I will call you later with details about when I'll pick you up."

"Oh, I didn't mean for you to go to any trouble."

"Stop Bella, I should have asked you sooner. I was being stupid. I want to take you out tonight."

The truth was. I didn't really know what to do. I hadn't actually planned many dates in my life. Lauren and I never went out, and in college dating was pretty boring. Movies, pizza, sex. I wanted this to be special, but with less than a day's notice, my options were limited.

The big event of the evening actually came to me faster than I expected. It only took about ten minutes of assessing what I knew about Seattle. The universe was on my side because I was able to get tickets, and the seats were good. Deciding on dinner presented more of a challenge. I had my computer, but we didn't have the network set up so I couldn't exactly call up a list. There was a phone book here, but it didn't mean much without being able to access reviews.

I swallowed my pride, and called my mother. I figured she'd be itching to hear from us anyway.

"Good morning, dear. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, we made it safe and sound."

"I'm glad to hear it. Did you end up getting a hotel?" She seemed almost distracted.

"No, we were going to rough it, but when we got here, there was already food, and air mattresses set up. "

"Hmm, how did that happen?" She could never lie very well.

"You were in on it too?"

"Of course, dear." She said it as if it were the most natural thing in the world. A couple of months ago she hadn't been privy to the details of our relationships with Rosalie and Bella, and now she was plotting with them.

"Well, I need some help today. I remember you talking about a little Italian restaurant you liked to go with dad when you came to Seattle. Do you remember the name?"

"Going out for dinner already? I thought you said the kitchen had supplies?" She was totally evil.

"I have a date mom."

"My, you work fast. Did you meet her in the parking garage?"

"Oh stop it. It's with Bella."

"Thank you. Was that so hard? You boys will not be keeping secrets from me anymore. I am delighted to hear that you and Bella re FINALLY doing something with your relationship."

"Yes, mom. The restaurant?"

"It's Serafina. And Edward, you be good to her."

"I will."

I called Bella in the early afternoon to tell her to be ready at 5. She begged me for details. She whined a little before asking, "Don't I deserve a clue?"

I thought about it for a minute, wanting to make her work hard for it. My hint would probably give it all away, but the meaning definitely set the tone for the new direction of our relationship.

"Fine, here's your hint, 'What's past is prologue.'"

**E/N: So, it should be fairly clear where he was taking her huh? Things are coming together for them, but we definitely needed a full chapter response from Bella, as there was way too much to wrap up. Okay, r/r time. What do you think their date was like? How long before they give in and say the big ILY? With only a couple of chapters left, it would be great to have some new reviewers pop in.**

**Gratitude to HMonster4 for being a fabulous beta and for updating my music choices.** **I feel cooler just for knowing you!**


	20. Love is All Around

**A/N: No further ado, here it is. Last full chapter. Sigh.**

**No claims on the characters . . .**

**Chapter 19 Love is All Around**

"_What's past is prologue."_

I went on my last first date on June 1st. Despite having to suggest the date, and leaving him very little time to prepare, Edward came through with flying colors.

In the end, he brought us back to the beginning. And in the end, Shakespeare had been right. There wasn't a conclusion at all, but the start of an entirely new story. The tale of the rise and fall of our friendship was merely the preface to our love story.

That date couldn't have been more perfect. _The Tempest_ had never been my favorite Shakespearean tragedy, but it didn't really matter. We weren't there for the play. We were there for each other.

The date ended with a kiss, much like the day I left his hotel room. It was a kiss filled with innuendo and hope. But we curtailed it before we found ourselves in too far to back out.

It didn't happen on the first date or even the third. We finally made love again six weeks later. It was just a Tuesday. We'd gone out to dinner, but really, it was just a Tuesday. And yes, it started on the couch.

It was actually a busy month. Between Edward unpacking and getting settled and my being involved in preparations for Alice's wedding, we felt like we were constantly moving. In some ways, that was good. Whenever the moving stopped, doubt crept in. I couldn't quite get over us being together. Every once in a while, I would look over at him and practically gasp. He was still that beautiful.

My insecurities were often festering just under the surface. They were the same ones I'd always had. Not pretty enough; not smart enough; not good enough. I could manage them pretty well most of the time, and many days I was stronger than they were. They tended to break through when we were out in public, when I felt the judgmental reproach of other women. Or the wanton lust they held for Edward. In my own head, I still couldn't call him my boyfriend. It was probably the main reason we hadn't been together . . . physically . . . yet. I wanted him. God, I wanted him.

My world was beyond surreal. I suddenly had a circle of friends. Me. And a boyfriend. ME.

And the fact that the circle and the boyfriend meshed together almost seamlessly . . . honestly, that doesn't happen very often. It was a little awkward at first. Rosalie and Alice were both pretty protective of me. So, once in a while they would chide Edward about his intentions. I have a feeling Emmett felt the same way about Edward because he typically jumped in with a joke in those situations. Anything to change the subject.

But as time went on, we started settling into a comfortable group. Edward and Emmett even made fast friends with Jasper.

So we were all at each others' places quite a bit in some combination or another.

I would never admit it, but some of my favorite times were when Alice and Rosalie helped me get ready for dates. I felt like I was making up for lost girl time.

They helped me that Tuesday night.

"What's the goal tonight, Bella?" Alice asked.

"The goal?"

"What reaction do you want to elicit? She continued.

"She's asking if you want to get laid," Rosalie clarified.

"I was not." But she looked at me and shrugged. "Well maybe a little."

"Oh. I don't know."

Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"What?"

"You don't know?" she asked incredulously.

"Well, yes, I mean, of course I do. But we both want to take it slowly."

"Which was very smart," Alice added, "But you know slow doesn't have to mean nonexistent."

"True."

"So, shall we spice up the wardrobe tonight?"

Oh crap. I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into. "Um, okay."

Like I said, it was just a Tuesday. We happened to have a dinner date. Afterward, we were hanging out on the couch.

I put my feet on his lap, and pushed at his thigh with my heel. He looked at me questioningly.

"My feet hurt from the FMP's Alice made me wear."

"FMP?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I don't know what that is."

"Oh then I don't want to be the one to tell you."

"Come on, Bella. It can't be that bad."

I might as well have been a coke can because I was that red.

"Okay, fine. They're called 'fuck me pumps.'"

He smiled wryly. "Really?"

He began massaging my feet slowly, with soft touches like a tickle. "Mm, that feels good," I muttered almost involuntarily.

"So, do they work?" he said in a low quiet voice.

"Huh?"

"The FMP's. They're a request I take it. Do they work?"

"I wouldn't know." I replied knowing a fresh wave of blush flooded my face.

In the time he'd been back, we'd done little more than the aforementioned extended kissing. Some of the kisses had turned . . . dangerous. There were hands under shirts at one point, but we seemed to know the limit. If we attempted anything further, neither of us would have the control to stop. We were dancing around the issue, and I'd never been very graceful. But Alice's words echoed in my head. I knew I didn't want to hold out much longer.

He began applying more pressure to my feet. I felt the impact shoot all the way up to the top of my head. I felt like a relaxation commercial. "_Imagine one part of your body going very limp. Now, imagine that feeling moving to second place."_

When the relaxation hit my mouth, I asked a question that had been on my mind for a while.

"Has there been anyone else, Edward?"

He stopped the massage, and asked "Anyone else, what?"

"Since October. I guess. I don't know. I never asked if you'd been with anyone since then."

His brow scrunched, and his expressed was confused. He shook his head lightly before he answered, "No."

"I haven't either." I said nervously, smoothing the wrinkles of my shirt.

"You really didn't know, did you?"

"Know what?"

"How incredibly lost I was without you."

I felt the little notch in the back of my throat, and I willed myself not to cry. "No I guess I didn't."

He was rubbing my feet again, and his fingers began moving higher to my ankles first, then to my calves. Light touches alternated with kneading. I moaned again, but it was a little more suggestive than I'd intended. "Oops," I apologized.

He just laughed. "I'm glad it feels good."

"It's incredibly relaxing," I answered as he continued to alternate legs so that he could use two hands at once.

My feet were jello inside of 10 minutes.

"I wonder what time it will be safe to go home," Edward mused. Rose and Emmett were at his place tonight. And while they were pretty good about keeping to the bedroom, apparently, they weren't all that quiet about it. I'd gotten a hint of it one time when I woke up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. I had to throw my ipod earbuds in if I had any hope of going back to sleep.

Perhaps, it was the sheer exhaustion of the evening. It had been a long week. Between the heightening wedding preparations and the bachelorette party, I hadn't had a good night's sleep in ages. Maybe it was the way my feet felt as he applied pressure; I wondered if he could make the rest of my body feel the same. Any interest I had in taking things slow went out the window.

"Maybe you don't have to go home tonight," I whispered.

His eyes met mine, trying to assess my intent.

"You want me to stay?"

"I think . . . I would like that. If you wanted to."

"I would. And it doesn't have to mean. Well, you know."

I bit my lip. How could I not?

"What if I want it to mean . . . well, you know?"

I pulled my legs off his lap and sat myself into a cross legged position on the couch, grateful that I'd changed out of that tight dress.

"Are you sure?"

"I think so."

He looked at me with one eyebrow cocked inferring an argument I clearly understood.

"I mean. Of course, I'm nervous, but yes, I want this. Don't you?"

"Bella."

"Well?"

He didn't answer in words. He pushed me down onto my back again, claiming my lips in the process. His hands were planted on both sides of my face, his body rested on top of mine. He tongue assaulted mine with need and greed. He was still wearing his dress shirt, which remained neatly tucked in. My hands fought the fabric, desperately attempting to gain access to skin. I wanted the heat, the electricity.

I must have been frantic because he slid one hand away from my face, and with a single powerful yank, the shirt was freed from his waistband. I felt his lips smile against mine. "Does that answer your question?"

I responded by attacking his back and pulling him closer to me. He shifted in the process, and his hips pushed against mine. He growled. I whined. We both sighed.

He pulled his mouth away again and looked at me for a while, playing with my hair.

"What is it?" I asked, continually aware of my insecurity.

"I don't want to rush anything."

"Considering we've known each other since we were 15, and well we already, you know . . . it's hardly rushing."

"I know. But are you sure you wouldn't regret it?"

"I don't regret the first time. I already told you that."

I wondered what his angel and devil were saying. And I really had my fingers crossed for the devil. He continued to comb his fingers through my hair, planting small kisses along my hairline.

His foot started moving rubbing up and down my leg. I hoped his devil was winning. I rubbed back. His angel answered by stopping. He shifted his body so his hips lost contact with mine. I whimpered. He sighed. I was going to kick that angel's ass. A snapped halo or a busted wing ought to do the trick.

It was too late to stop now. I needed his hips back on mine. I turned slightly, negating his move. The contact was shockingly familiar. I moaned. This time he whimpered. That angel was doing a number on him.

"What is it, Edward?"

"It's just. Well, we never said it. Not the words actually. And I always thought we would before we . . . well you know. And now it seems like if I say it, it's just because I want to . . . you know . . . be with you."

It was absolutely the wrong reaction entirely, but I started giggling.

"What?" he said and the absolutely pained look on my face sobered me quickly.

"It's just so cute. The man who made me watch porn can't seem to tell me he wants to make love. Where is all your bravado?"

"Bravado huh? You'd like that?" He face changed from pained to calculatingly evil in the blink of an eye. Uh oh. I had a feeling he could do things I'd never imagined. I barely got the thought out of my head when I felt a hand under my shirt. His palm dragged up my torso until he was massaging my breast.

I gasped.

"Better?" he asked pressing himself closer to me.

"Much." I managed to blurt.

"You know, I bet Rosalie has some porn around here. Unless of course you've got your own stash tucked away somewhere," he teased. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks yet again. He noticed immediately. "Bella? Are you a bad girl?"

"NO! I mean. I just still have that one tape you left at my house in high school."

"You still have that?"

"Yeah. Well, I sort of forgot about it until you were already gone. Then I couldn't throw it away in Forks. I mean it was such a small town, and could you imagine the talk if the garbage collectors said anything about what Chief Swan threw away? I actually carried it around in my car for a while hoping to find a public trash can to toss it in when no one was looking, but people were always looking. It was Forks after all. So, I ended up taking it to Phoenix."

Now, he was the one turning red, but it was because he was holding back his laughter. "You packed porn on your trip to Phoenix?"

"Yes."

"And why didn't you throw it away once you got there?"

"I was too embarrassed for my neighbor's to see it in my garbage. I know. It's stupid."

"But you brought it back here?"

"Yeah, um, it had been a while for me before October, and then nothing after so . . . "

"But Bella, that thing is so old. Didn't you want something new?"

"I couldn't buy something like that."

"The internet is pretty discrete."

"Well it would have embarrassed me just to look, and I never really had extra money laying around for sex toys and dvd's." I was admittedly a little defensive on that last line. But really why should I apologize for not rushing out to update my porn collection when I could barely pay my bills? I have to admit, I hoped my VCR never died because it was getting very hard to replace them these days.

"I'm sorry. You're right. But thanks for the gift ideas."

"Don't you da . . ." but he interrupted me with his mouth. His hand had been resting on my stomach, and it slid back up to my breast. This time, he pushed my bra up and took my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. Thank god for the devil. Well, that doesn't make sense, but I was glad the devil won. At least I thought that's what happened.

His fingers stopped. He pulled is mouth back. I almost yelled, "_What now?"_ But he gave me his signature smile, looked directly in my eyes, and said, "I don't care if it's the wrong time. I love you, Bella."

"There couldn't be a better time, Edward."

"I think we should move to your room." He said looking down at me.

I nodded. I'd already considered that. I didn't want to be caught here should Rosalie come home early, and the couch was a little cramped. Plus, we'd kind of already been there, done that.

He stood up, and held his hand out to help pull me up. Suddenly, I felt pressure. I wanted him. Obviously. But it was always easier just to give in to the spontaneity of the moment. It felt pre-meditated now. I stalled a little. I stopped at the kitchen first for a drink of water.

"Do you want anything?" I asked. His expression revealed my slip of the tongue. "I mean . . ." but there was no point continuing.

We walked down the hall hand in hand. For some idiotic reason, the phrase, "_We're going to have sex"_ kept chanting away in my head.

"I need to stop off here okay?" I said motioning to the bathroom. It was another stall tactic. But also, I had to take care of needs. I probably took a little too long. Some of the time I was in the bathroom, I just sat on the toilet inhaling and exhaling. "_We're going to have sex."_

When I walked into the bedroom, he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He'd taken his shoes and his dress shirt off. He wore a white cotton t-shirt and his black pants. I was aware of the contrast. I had changed into sweats and a faded t-shirt when we got back from dinner. I felt self conscious alone with him for the first time since he'd come to Seattle. He was so perfect sitting there. If the scene were a movie, the woman walking in would have been cast with someone much taller, curvier, and likely blonder.

But the way his face lit up when he saw me made me believe I was meant for the role. I walked a straight path toward him, and stopped to stand directly in front of him.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," he replied, parting his legs, and reaching out to pull me between them.

"Edward?"

"Mm?"

"I love you, too."

He leaned his head into me and began kissing my neck. I cocked my neck to give him more room to work. He was using the tip of his tongue from my jaw all the way to the edge of my collar bone. Over and over. His hands were resting on my hips. He tugged at the bottom of my shirt.

"May I?" he asked.

I pulled my shirt off for him. My bra wasn't anything fancy. Light pink cotton. Functional. I decided it served no purpose at this point, so I reached around to unhook it. He moved his hands to the top of my shoulders to help slide it off.

"Bella," he breathed before he began kissing one of my breasts lightly. He had the other one cupped in his hand. My fingers went for his hair as usual.

Keeping his tongue on one nipple, his hands slid down to my waist band.

"Not yet," I said gently. He looked up at me checking my resolve. "You first." And I reached down to his shirt and pulled it up over his head, discarding it thoughtlessly.

I pushed him back on the bed, and let my mouth explore his chest while my right hand was teasing at the waist of his pants. I ran my hand back and forth and every once in a while, I dipped my hand down to his hip bone. His breath caught each time I did it.

He shocked me by grabbing hold of my body and pushing my back to the bed. "Your turn, again," he said wryly, and without knowing what was happening, he'd slid my pants off. I had a flash of insecurity again as his eyes scanned me from head to toe. We were suspended in the moment.

"I know it was . . . I just didn't remember . . . You're beautiful, Bella," he fumbled.

"Let me see you," I pleaded. I sat up as he unbuttoned his pants. I guided them down so he could step out of them. He didn't give me more than a brief glance at his physique, but it was okay because I remembered every detail. He leaned into me, using the force of a kiss to lead me back to the bed once again. Our bodies made contact, skin on skin, and everything seemed fuzzy but exceptionally clear.

When the kiss ended, he slid himself down my body, all the way down. I groaned when he looked up at me from between my legs. His expression implied a question. I gave permission with a groan. Using some perfect combination of fingers and tongue, he had me back in the ocean. I was swimming out to sea. Only this time I didn't want to come back to shore. The water was warm, and the waves hitting my body were like gentle hugs. I rose and fell as the water rocked back and forth around me.

I removed my hands from his hair, where they had invariably found themselves, and moved them as low as I could reach to give him a gentle pull. He was on his knees is font of the bed. I saw him lean toward the floor. I wasn't sure what he was doing until I hear the crinkle of the wrapper.

He kissed his way back up my body until he found my ear. "Are you sure?"

"I couldn't stop now even if I wanted to. And I promise you, I don't want to stop."

He kissed me. I could feel how close he was to me. I lifted myself in encouragement.

He looked at me one more time and smiled.

His hips moved down, and mine went up. We joined.

The waves were still gentle and soothing. Sometimes, I just wanted to ride on top of them, and at others, I would dip my head below the surface to immerse myself in the feeling. Either way, Edward was with me in the water. We came up for air together. We moved our legs and arms together. The waves came faster. They were hitting harder. Movements became more forceful, almost greedy.

My hands were on Edward's back, running up and down anywhere I had access. He reached one hand around to grab one of mine and slowly guided it between us. The minute my hand made contact _right there_, the wave that hit me took my breath away. He pulled his hand away, needing the leverage.

I didn't know what to do. My hand combined with the feeling of him inside me was almost too good, but I felt awkward. I started to pull away, but he growled at me, "Leave it."

So, I let go, and I let the water carry me away. He brought the waves crashing into me again and again. This time though, we washed ashore together in the biggest swell I'd ever seen.

Afterward, we lay haphazardly on the bed tangled like seaweed and driftwood.

Neither of us said anything. Talking had been our downfall last time. An ending, or at least the beginning of the end.

We were bound and determined to make this another beginning.

We stayed like that—entwined and disheveled—both physically and emotionally, for a very long time. Forever really.

I decided Tuesday was my new lucky day. Well, I guess we'd made it lucky.

**E/N: Ask, and ye shall receive. The lemon fit the conclusion. It tied things together more effectively than I anticipated. **

**Special thanks to hmonster4 who told me I suck, but in a good way. And yes, that's why you're the master!**

**I appreciate everyone who reviewed and pm'ed throughout the story. I'm especially grateful to those of you who took the time every chapter. Special love to Jime, PurdueLiz, Hmonster4, and Melissa228 who all pimped the story out at some point or another.**

**There have been a lot of new alerts this week too, and I would love to hear what you think. So, if you made it all the way to the end of this story, take a moment to press that review button. Can I bribe you with an epilogue? I'm pretty sure I've got one in me. Reviews might motivate me to do it sooner.**

**So, what was your favorite part of the story? What would you want to see happen in an epi? I've got something cooking, but I might be persuaded.**


	21. Epilogue

**A/N: Time to close the door on this baby.**

**Special thanks to hmonster4, my beta twin. And a shout to Melissa228 for a perspective read on this one.**

**No claims on these characters.**

_Epilogue_

_EPOV_

When I looked at the number on the clock and saw 5:00 am, I almost groaned. That was early, even for me. I knew I'd wake up before the sun today though, and I was grateful I hadn't yet aged out of my ability to function on less sleep than the average person. I rolled away from the clock to watch Bella sleeping beside me. Her mouth was parted slightly. One hand hung over her eyes, and the other lay across her stomach.

For the past seven years, this had been a moment of peace for me each day. A meditation of sorts. I nearly always awoke before she did, and it gave me an opportunity to see her in a defenseless state. She had come so far with her self esteem that it was usually only in her sleep that I saw the insecure girl who first drew me in.

Back in Chicago, there were times when I wondered if the pull had only been about her weakness. In the months we were apart, I'd realized what drew me too her romantically wasn't the weakness at all, but her strength. So, the more she gained, the more I loved her.

But in these moments, when I could see her vulnerability, I was reminded how fragile we all are as human beings and how much care we need to take with each other's hearts.

I slid out of bed and went out to the kitchen to make coffee. I found some blueberry muffin mix in the pantry and I dug through the cabinets until I found a muffin tin. I wanted to surprise Bella, but I didn't want to wake her just yet. It was going to be a long day.

I went over to the window. It was the same one I looked out the first night I moved to Seattle. Bella moved in here 4 years ago when Emmett and Rosalie finally got married and bought a house. Of course, that was just the official move in; we'd been practically living in each other's apartments since the beginning. We considered looking for a new place, but in the end, we were both creatures of habit. We both loved the windows in the living room, and it was close to campus for her. Our lease would be up in a few months, and this time we wouldn't be renewing. It was a season of change.

No matter what happened in life, I would always love this city. Looking out this window to pay homage to the city that brought us together twice was my second daily meditation.

My phone rang, bringing me back to reality.

"Good morning, dear."

"Hi mom."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm good. I'm really good."

"Do you need anything?"

"No, I think we're all set."

"So, I'll just see you there around noon correct?"

"Yeah, I think that's perfect."

"I'm so happy for you, Edward."

"Thanks, mom."

The phone must have woken Bella because she suddenly came walking zombie like into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

"Coffee?" she asked.

"It's ready. Would you like me to get it?"

"Please. Someone kept me up too late last night."

"I don't recall you complaining." I winked. "You don't need to be up yet. It's only 6:30. You can rest a while longer if you like."

"No, I can't. Alice called yesterday. She's coming over in about an hour. I need to prepare myself for that." I handed her a mug.

"Crap."

"Just ignore her when she gets here."

"Is Rosalie coming too?" She nodded before burying her face in the mug.

"Who was on the phone?" She asked when she came up for air.

"My mom."

Bella smiled. "She must be so excited."

"She contained herself well." I walked over to where she was standing, and I kissed the top of her head. "I'm going to go shower. Will you take the muffins out of the oven when the timer goes off?"

"That's what I've been smelling. You're too good to me."

"I hope you always feel that way," I whispered into her hair. "Are you sure about this? About today?"

"Definitely."

"It's not too late to make changes."

"I wouldn't change a thing. I promise."

I tried to get out the door before Alice got there. I was in too good a mood for pixie wrath. But Bella and I got into a pillow fight while making the bed, and we had some last minute packing to do as well. So, it was 7:28 before I was rushing out the door yelling to Bella that I would see her later."

I was about 20 seconds from a clean getaway. "Edward Cullen, what in the world are you doing here? You promised you'd spend the night at Emmett's or your parents!"

"Sorry?" I tried with a shrug.

"Not a chance. Don't you know it's bad luck to see the bride on your wedding day?"

Bella chimed in. "Alice, you know I don't believe in luck."

"Yeah right, then what's that hanging around your neck?" Bella had been inadvertently playing with the pendant. It was a habit she'd started from the day I gave it to her on the one year anniversary of our first date. The little clover pendant never came off.

"This is not about luck, Alice," she said holding up the pendant. Then she looked at me and winked.

Defying Alice, I walked over to give Bella a quick kiss.

"You two! You might as well be breaking a mirror or walking under a ladder. You are just asking for bad luck."

"Should I watch out for black cats today too?" I teased. "I'm going now. And Alice, I promise no peaking when she's in the dress."

She huffed. "Well I guess that's something. Now, go. We have work to do."

I stopped off for more coffee on the way to the center. I had more time than I needed. I was enjoying the quiet start to the morning. Emmett's wedding had been so chaotic. So much stress. We didn't want any of that. Emmett called when I was getting back in my car with my coffee

"Nervous, little bro?"

"No, not at all."

"Bastard. I was a nervous wreck when I got married."

I laughed at him. "What time are you coming over?"

"I'll be there around noon with everyone else. Jasper and I have the kids while Rose and Alice help Bella get ready. I guess you have to do your own make up today." He thought he was pretty funny and chuckled hard. It was contagious.

"Where are Mom and Dad?" I asked surprised they missed out on a babysitting opportunity.

"Probably out buying your gift last minute. You know them. No forethought whatsoever." He was so proud of himself as he laughed again. "Shit, I hear the toilet flushing, and Jasper's on the couch. I hope Hale's not trying to flush his stuffed Nemo again. Got to go."

Everyone else had fallen into family life years ago. Bella and I took our time getting to this point. In part, it had to do with meeting other goals first. Withher in graduate school and me in med school, the idea of "settling down" didn't seem realistic. We both wanted to reach a degree of permanency first. Plus, emotionally, we were still growing. Realizaitons that other people probably hit in their teens, we only came to within the last five years.

I knew I loved her, but I feared that at some point one of us would grow in a different direction. That never happened. We simply grew more entwined.

We still spent time with Emmet, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice over the years, but not like it had been. In the earlier years. The between wedding years. In the space between Alice and Jasper getting married and then Rosalie and Emmett, we all went out quite bit. We were a group. We still were, but the introduction of mortgages and kids left Bella and I feeling like outsiders to the club. We were students for so much longer, and even in the past year as I was entrenched in residency and Bella began teaching full time after finishing her doctorate, we didn't quite fit in. Or maybe we chose not to join, but I had a feeling now that our marriage certificate was going to be our membership card in the rejuvenated club. .

I didn't expect anyone to be at the center when I got there. It was so early.

"Hey Dr. C!" Seth called out. He was sitting just inside the entrance with paper spread across the floor and paint all around him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Just about everyone's here.""Why?"

"We're adding some decorations. It's sort of a wedding present."

I shook my head. Not really understanding what he meant.

I entered into the main room and witnessed a bustle of activity. About fifteen teenagers were working on various projects throughout the room. There were several adults in the mix too.

The large all purpose room had literally come to life. Art projects were splattered on every wall and even hung from the ceilings. I stopped to look at an easel. There was a poem in the middle, and several pictures were displayed in collage from all around it. I never expected any of this. We'd decided to have our wedding here for many reasons, not the least of which was because the place meant so much to both of us. We'd also never wanted the kinds of weddings the others had. They were beautiful, but they weren't us. We preferred to spend our money and energy on the honeymoon, which is why we decided on a spring wedding to coincide with Bella's break.I let my eyes wander the room again.

"They've worked very hard, Edward."

I turned as my dad put his arm around my shoulder. "You should be very proud."

"I am. I can't believe they did all this."

This place had been my passion for so long. About my second year of med school I started making decisions that would change the course of my life—I was connecting the dots, so to speak. It had not been easy to get this place off the ground while still in my residency. I couldn't have done it without Bella and my parents. My mom and Bella were two of the first teachers, and they still volunteered many hours here.

A center for troubled youth emphasizing creative disciplines of art, music, and writing for emotional expression began with a simple idea. When I was depressed, my art gave me peace. Bella began writing when she had bouts of insecurity. My dad had been a tremendous source of support when I started moving my medical interest into psychiatry, and he helped me make connections with people who could make this a reality. Soon I would house my practice in child psychiatry here. Currently, there were a couple of psychologists on staff who primarily ran group sessions. Most of the creative classes were run by volunteers, but we tried to pay them small stipends.

When I left yesterday, the place was nearly bare. Some of the student art work had been on display. Now, the place was filled with words and colors and chords. The family was supposed to be coming at noon to set up chairs and to throw up a few streamers. We were going for simple and small. I couldn't believe they managed to keep it a secret. This was not big and fancy but something completely different. Something right.

I walked through the room inspired by the work the students were doing. So many of them had real potential. For others, it was about catharsis. I heard someone playing the piano, and I turned toward the sound. A picture on display next to it caught my attention. I waved at people when they greeted me, but I was on a mission.

I recognized it instantly. It called to me.

When I was within feet of it, I let my mind remember the night I created it. The hotel room. We were still so uncertain, so full of fear. But that night led us here.

I always wondered what Bella thought of my art.. This one, "Eye on You" was the one people always commented on. It caused a double take because the gaze was never what they expected. They anticipated disturbing but found it comforting, warm. I never tried to explain it—I told them it was abstract. Bella's expression when she observed it always made me believe she understood it. But it wasn't until this exact moment that I knew for certain.

There was a placard next to where it was displayed.

_EAC_

_We saved each other._

My breath caught. I felt a hand slip in mine.

"Bella? She squeezed my hand in response. "You knew huh?"

"Of course, Edward. It was part of what brought me to the conclusion I did. What scared me shouldn't have. It was always meant to cause me comfort. Just like this piece."

"Did you have a hand in all of this?" I asked looking around the room.

She leaned her head against my shoulder. "Not really. They wanted to do this for you. I just gave a few ideas."

"What are you doing here?" I'd almost forgotten that she was supposed to be at home getting ready.

"You didn't really think I needed 4 hours to get ready did you? We're here to help."

She turned me around, and they were all there. My family and friends. The kids. My co-workers. Setting up chairs, bringing in flowers, finalizing displays. Bella pointed to the right, and I saw Charlie talking with Carlisle.

"You're really okay with this as your wedding location? You don't want something fancier? I feel bad that you did all this work."

"Edward, I couldn't imagine anything more perfect."

The rest of the morning flew by. It was fun, and I'd never heard anyone use that word in regards to wedding planning. Some of the center kids were jamming, and laughter rang throughout the room. It was as if the reception came first. It almost made me want to skip the ceremony altogether and just sign the papers. Almost.

For us, this was not about a wedding day, but the beginning of a marriage. We'd actually considered eloping, but we knew it would disappoint too many people. The full realization of that fact didn't hit me until I was standing at the front of the room with Emmett and Jasper by my side.

Bella was huddled into Charlie as they walked toward us, probably to keep her from tripping. We would have skipped the traditional aisle thing, but Bella knew Charlie would be hurt, though he'd never say anything. What daddy didn't dream of walking his daughter down the aisle?

Emotions slammed into me as I considered everything that led to this day, this moment. My mind flashed with memories of what nearly kept us apart. The move. The shooting. My mistakes. Our fear. All those memories were alive and breathing in us today. As were the other ones. The ones that brought us together. The brown mess in the auditorium. Friendship. Prom. Couches.

Bella stumbled into me when Charlie let go. I caught her. Stifled giggles echoed through the room. But there would be no falls today.

Bella wrote her vows, and I read a Shakespearean sonnet. My mom smiled through her tears.

As our lips met in the kiss that would officially join us forever, I wondered how I ever got to be so lucky.

**E/N: Fade to black. **

**Thanks again for reading. I'll be concentrating on finishing up _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ with hmonster4 for now. Btw, if you don't have her on author alert, you should. Something special will be coming soon. And I get to wear my beta hat again.**

**There are always ideas floating in my noggin so you never know what's to come. **

**I would love one final LC review if you have it in you. So there was no lucky charm ****decoupage**** mobile hanging over a crib, but tell me what you think of how he used his art. What good he could do in a center like that!**


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